Had to SMH and giggle a little at your H's PA stuff. It'll be funny to see if he tries new things.
You're right, don't waste your time trying to re-write the movie that's playing in their head. They have a skill to try and turn things around no matter what you say. They are very busy working their new story of being the victim that's turning their life around for the first time ever. You, meanwhile, suddenly look like Darth Vader, Nurse Ratched and Hannibal Lecter all rolled into one.
I've learned to get on with my day and ignore my W and pretty much function without her. She tries new PA ways to project anger or annoyance with me, such as...
1. If she clean dishes and recognizes a pan or bowl I used to prepare a meal, she won't clean it. She will clean all dishes except those. When she puts clean dishes away, she will put away all dishes except that pan or bowl that I used. She strategically places in the middle of the kitchen counter for me to put away.
2. W just built a cubby near the front door to keep shoes - except mine, of course! If I put any shoes in the cubby, she throws them across the bedroom towards the foot of my closet door.
3. If I go out for the evening, she always makes a point to order take out food. I don't get it. They're teenagers, after all. I wonder if she's saying "Look how much fun I had while you were out with this yummy food!"
Staying calm and doing nothing - while really difficult - is the best thing to do. It's hard for me, too. I hear you there!
My W I barely recognize as well. They are all on an island by themselves.
Keep expecting your H to "go to guns and expect the worst". They want to escalate, because they want you to be mad, and they want you to be as miserable as them.
I've only been living with an MLCer for about 1� years. I think we all need to keep working on detaching. It's an evolution, it's a constant work in progress. I learn new detachment moves, then I backslide one day. I think I get the hang of it, then something new happens with my W.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
