We are in counseling, but in counseling she talked about losing a connection between us and wanting to develop our friendship because she missed her best friend of 20 years (me). While I admit that I miss our friendship too, I don't think being her BFF is what I want out of our relationship. Should I be trying to develop that again as a step to fix our marriage, or is that a step in the wrong direction?
Look, she has the OM for her romantic/love/desire interest.....and she wants you for the best friend. In a way, it's like being the best man at the wedding, instead of being the groom.
Do you want to be best friends with the woman who is cheating on you and lying to you? I can't remember a case where the wayward wife didn't want her H to be her friend (in the beginning, anyway), but she didn't want him for a husband. What does that tell you? Pretty much a demotion, don't you think?
As for being the right direction or step to fix your MR.....I don't think it is, and I'll tell you why. The wayward wife just wants her H for a buddy without any love/desire that spouses have for one another. Her LBH is similar to her favorite worn out old house shoes......she's not quite ready to throw away, b/c they feel so comfortable. She also wants to remain footloose to be with the other man (or men), and to live the single life. Pretty good setup for her. In her head, having her H as her BFF means he is there whenever it's convenient for her. His friendship means she gets to use him for a handyman (utility man, tech guy, errand boy, construction/plumber), a baby sitter, complaint dept, yack in his ear when she's bored or lonely, and use his wide shoulders to cry on when she feels sorry for herself and wants to be comforted. She may even do things with him, when she isn't with the OM or have something better. A WW's motivation in this so called friendship is based on what she needs.....what she wants....and what he can do for her. She has no intentions of building back any other type of relationship with her H, b/c she is wayward. Being her BFF while she is rebelling against her MR, has no desirable attraction for her. It's just slipping on those old comfortable house shoes.
The sad thing is that the H has a completely different mindset about the whole friendship thing. Every time she wants something, he honestly tries to do what he believes he would do for a friend. Plus, his hope is this will lead them back together as a married couple. But once the H starts playing the role of BFF, it becomes a trap for him. When he gets tired of her always taking advantage and using him, he may try to get out of it. Guess what? She will pout or cry and say, "I thought you wanted to be my friend, but I see you I can't depend on you (or trust you)....yada, yada".
Having her OM as her romantic interest while her H plays BFF is the epitome of cake eating for the wayward wife.
This is just my opinion.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
