Have you read up on emotional affairs and how they affect the person who is caught up in those feelings. Your W may not be having physical sex with the OM. However, she appears to be amorous of her new found half-uncle who is her age. He, apparently, is not discouraging her. So, it is a serious situation, and could become even more serious.
You will need to be well grounded to maintain a sense of balance and sanity. It is not hard to get focused on what your W is doing, and get confused on what you need to be doing for you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes I 100% agree. I'm working hard at becoming balanced, I have multiple people in my life who are aware of the situation who I talk to every day (some family, some not). I've read up on emotional affairs (your thread on the newcomer LBH really helped, my wife matches your description exactly).
My uncle's wife contacted me today, expressed concern about how my wife is with him, and they are going to be attending marriage counseling where she intends to bring this up. I will not mention that to my wife but I think that may help
sandi, I'd actually really appreciate your advice and take on the situation. Does me kind of forcing my wife to share responsibility of our son (rather than her leaving him at me 100% of the time) combined with getting my own life and working on bettering myself make sense? and if her uncle is not complicit in this, realizes what is happening and backs off a bit, do you think it's possible she will come around (of course, if he is complicit than that won't matter, but I get the feeling this is a one-sided attraction that he is unaware of).
I should clarify, I'm not making these actions to be vindictive, but actions have consequences, she was living a life where I was enabling her to do whatever she wanted with her uncle (she bought a $300 kayak and $50 fishing pole on my credit cards that she than told me I wasn't allowed to use) and she would leave without coordinating childcare with me at all (even when I already had plans, she would just race me from the house so I was stuck, because I'm not going to leave our child alone).
When she told me she would be sleeping somewhere else, but staying at our house during the day and living her same lifestyle, and then continued to lie to me (fishing trip that was supposed to be over at 10am she didn't return from until 3pm) and then she got angry with me when I observed her uncle and her acting inappropriately and called her out on it, I've really hit the end of my rope. If she is having an affair with him, I'm not going to finance it and let them continue it under my roof. If she isn't, than she needs to experience the loss of my support to see that she's in the wrong.
I spent our whole marriage spoiling her and I honestly feel like she thinks that will continue at the same time she says she hates me, never loved me and wants to leave.
sandi, I'd actually really appreciate your advice and take on the situation. Does me kind of forcing my wife to share responsibility of our son (rather than her leaving him at me 100% of the time) combined with getting my own life and working on bettering myself make sense? and if her uncle is not complicit in this, realizes what is happening and backs off a bit, do you think it's possible she will come around (of course, if he is complicit than that won't matter, but I get the feeling this is a one-sided attraction that he is unaware of).
Absolutely! She doesn't get to stop having responsibilities of being a mother, just b/c she wants to act like a teenager in love. IMHO, she needs the taste of reality to crumble her fantasy world she has in her head. It makes no difference who the OM is.........except for added complications, maybe.........but she can't just hand over her baby, and go live with the OM with his W right there in the house and think everything will be rosey.
And I am relieved to hear his wife is finally saying something about it. I knew she had to pick up on the undercurrent between them, and now you know it's obvious to her as well. I think the OM can tell your W is infatuated with him......and whether he feels the same or not, he is allowing her to live with him........and that encourages her.
It won't last long if OM's W stays with him, b/c she's not going to stand for it. Hopefully, he will be smart enough not to lose his family over some fling.
You might want to document these times she tries to run out on her child so you are forced to keep him, when you've told her you have plans. Just in case it comes down to child custody.
Quote:
I spent our whole marriage spoiling her and I honestly feel like she thinks that will continue at the same time she says she hates me, never loved me and wants to leave.
Some young women do not handle spoiling graciously. They get use to it, then expect it, and take advantage of the H. They develop a sense of entitlement and can act very much like a spoiled brat. Have you ever observed a kid whose parents never told him "no"? In a very short span of time, the kid is actually ruling the parents.......b/c he is demanding & selfish, and will throw tantrums until the tired parents give in again. They failed to teach him he can't do everything or get everything just b/c he wants it right then. He doesn't share his toys and play nice with other kids, and a ton of other issues. I love children, but I have seen a lot of young parents I wanted to spank b/c they were raising a little monster. The key to spoiling children, is to not confuse for love. Remember who is in charge. Parental love includes showing a balance of love and discipline, so the child will grow up to be a good person (very short version) and appreciate others.
I think young H's want to spoil the W, b/c it shows his love and he enjoys it. As long as she shows her own brand of spoiling him, in return.....that's fine. But if she doesn't and starts expecting what he does and doesn't appreciate him.....then there's a problem, and it's called disrespect. When he starts stepping back from what he knows isn't right,.....just to get along with her and keep the peace...... and apologizing for whatever set her off (although he has no clue what it was), and lets her basically boss him around (and eventually bully him) and yell at him or throw tantrums b/c he didn't pick up the right thing from the store, or whatever..........he has helped create a monster (i.e. The beginnings of a wayward wife)The key to spoiling the W is to know when enough is enough. Keep things balanced. To remember you are in charge, and to say no, and stand up like an adult and tell her she isn't going to treat me this way. The W needs to appreciate her H (and visa versa) but if he is treated badly b/c he spoiled her, he needs to show her he is capable of withdrawing the spoiling method.
Wish I had more time. I've got to stop here, b/c I've got to run. Hope this post is not nit-picked b/c I wrote it hurriedly.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for sharing your opinion. You've echoed the same thing's my wife's cousin shared with me (balance is a word I'm thinking more and more about). I'm going to continue to be strong, and not let my wife bully or manipulate me into doing stuff for her.
Do you think I should have a sit down talk with the uncle's wife? Or just sit back and let things happen?
We had a very short conversation, she said the relationship was concerning to her and I agreed. Chuck did say he doesn't suggest talking more to the Uncle's W so it doesn't seem like I am meddling in trying to take my wife's "friend" away. The fact that this is a relative and I have no proof of any sort of affair (just a suspicion, and the knowledge that this is not a normal relationship) makes it extra tricky.
My wife picked up our son this morning (I had him over the night last night), took the car to run some errands, and I haven't heard form her all day. I'm continuing NC. It's hard, and I'm trying to stay strong, but there are days I just want my wife back. My conversation with Chuck today was encouraging, most of the negative interactions with my wife this week I did handle well according to him. But I'm still just sad that my family is in this state.
