She is a very type A assertive person and jumps to take the lead, which I'm ok with, and i always thought she was until all of the sudden she wants me to be a different person in many ways. And I cannot argue that the ways in which she thinks I could improve myself are valid, I also think she had unreasonable expectations for how fast one can make significant changes. It's all very frustrating.
jason35,
These kinds if issues often occur when there's an outside influence on the marriage.
Last night my wife brought up mediation again while I was visiting my son and it totally ruined my visit. I asked her if we could talk after he was asleep so I could focus on my time with him. She understood this request but didn't want to talk then because it would be the end of the day and she wanted to be in the right mindset to talk.
She also brought up splitting time at a house we rented for the end of summer. I told her since we had previously been there as a family I couldn't imagine enjoying myself there just me and my son. She seemed sad about that and we discussed trying to cancel the rental.
It was a tough night.
Part of me just wants to pull this band aid and get it over with, but part of me still hopes she will change her mind as the reality of things start becoming apparent when we meet with the mediator, put the house on the market, etc.
- We are still going to marriage counseling even though she says she is calling it on our marriage in the sessions. Is it just to placate me? If so we are just wasting money. - She still wears her wedding ring. - She knows she will need to get a full time job but has talked about getting a part time job for the summer as a farm hand so she can get into the nature and conservation field. It would make more sense for her to get a full time job and start saving money. And a full time job will dictate where she lives, and then where I live. - She expected me to do something special for her on Mother's Day and was upset when I did not. I got her a card from our son. I feel like her expectations here were ridiculous. - She tells me about her day and her friends, as if there is nothing major going between us.
As I said, everything is confusing me at this point.
- We are still going to marriage counseling even though she says she is calling it on our marriage in the sessions. Is it just to placate me? If so we are just wasting money. - She still wears her wedding ring. - She knows she will need to get a full time job but has talked about getting a part time job for the summer as a farm hand so she can get into the nature and conservation field. It would make more sense for her to get a full time job and start saving money. And a full time job will dictate where she lives, and then where I live. - She expected me to do something special for her on Mother's Day and was upset when I did not. I got her a card from our son. I feel like her expectations here were ridiculous. - She tells me about her day and her friends, as if there is nothing major going between us.
As I said, everything is confusing me at this point.
Hi jason35,
Yes, this is all very confusing. It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head! Chances are good that she is confused too.
Michele has an excellent video regarding when marriage therapy is a bad idea. Please email me directly and I'll send you the link at no charge, of course.
The best advice I can give you is to call a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Had a conversation with the wife over the phone today, and she made me feel good and awful about my communication with her, how I cannot and do not communicate and how that is the reason we are here. I understand that on some level.
I don't know why I struggle to communicate with her. It's such a bad cycle. I don't communicate, she explodes on me, and then I withdraw even more and don't communicate, and we repeat. I am finding so much difficulty breaking the cycle here.
I do know that my issue really comes back to my childhood and the unconscious lessons I learned. If I do not know the outcome of the communication, I will avoid it so as to stay safe. In our case, safe from any anger or other emotional outbursts. I understand this isn't good, but this is the cause I have discovered. I am still working on breaking the pattern for myself. I think I have to remember the matra "Whatever happens, I can handle it".
- We are still going to marriage counseling even though she says she is calling it on our marriage in the sessions. Is it just to placate me? If so we are just wasting money. 1) you said she had post party depression and is being treated, but it's not all that fast to resolve. So she's either confused AND OR wants to check the "went to MC" off her list to say she "tried"...
- She still wears her wedding ring. Undecided. It's not a bad sign but it may be totally neutral. Don't read too much into it. see above^^ #1
- She knows she will need to get a full time job but has talked about getting a part time job for the summer as a farm hand so she can get into the nature and conservation field. It would make more sense for her to get a full time job and start saving money.
it's not your job to decide her financial future. Not your job to warn her of consequences of any choices she makes. Plus there is a baby to consider.
And a full time job will dictate where she lives, and then where I live. - She expected me to do something special for her on Mother's Day and was upset when I did not. I got her a card from our son. I feel like her expectations here were ridiculous. With a newborn baby I do not think it's ridiculous. I think it would have been thoughtful of you since she is the mother of your only child. And b/c you know she's being treated for post partum depression, which is not "the blues", it's a real disorder that about 15% of mothers get and it's real. - it would not seem ridiculous
I found It especially meaningful to me to get something from h that showed appreciation from the father of my child, for the career sacrifices I made and the sleepless nights, the long days and in your w's case, the post partum depression. Not to mention her need to plan a life she did not plan, i.e. being a single mom. Your son could not thank her, so it was left to you.
When you get feedback from your w like this about Mother's Day - don't argue with it. Listen to it. It's about what HER needs were. That might not be what you think they should be.
Make sense?
- She tells me about her day and her friends, as if there is nothing major going between us.
As I said, everything is confusing me at this point.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
