Well, let me tell you, after every R, I hear on here "you dodged a bullet" So, apparently I am either jumping in front of them or they are aimed right at me.
As far as "red flags" My exH had a bunch of red flags I ignored. I was aware right as I was in it. exNG, definite flags.
This one, I swear no red flags. We can say his "bad" traits were red flags, but I don't think they could have predicted this. I think everyone has some less than desirable qualities. I sure do. Are they always red flags? maybe something to think about twice and analyze against the good. I asked myself throughout this R "is he treating you with respect?" Answer was always yes. he was considerate of me and my feelings, always asked how I was, never made me wonder, never made me think he was looking for another woman. Considered me in his actions. Looked to the future and stayed in the present.
I was encouraged to work through the whole parenting thing and no invite for easter instead of looking at them as red flags. When he makes the self-proclaimed alcoholic thing, I looked to see if he really was. He is not. The black hole in his chest where his heart should be? Always jokingly. He is a very soulful guy, actually, very passionate. passionate enough to drop his girlfriend because he wants the dream. he wants to succeed. His heart melts for his nephew, his anger goes nuts when he thinks about his soon to be ex BIL. Because he cares.
I certainly believe he is lost right now and doesn't know how to get where he wants. He wasn't in a good place for a few weeks. he admitted that and I believe him. But he told me his good place had nothing to do with me. He still swears everything was fine until he came to that realization in some 24 hour period. I guess it was the one thing he could control right now.
I stay in IC to make sure I am not making tons of mistakes in R's and that I am not repeating patterns. I was seriously blindsided by this one. I knew something was wrong. But I had no freaking clue it was what he said. I really thought it was all his work stress and it was something we were going to work through together.
Anyways. It's an another day. I'm just trying to make it through each one. But I am depressed. The last time I slept all the time was my senior year of high school and freshman year of college. It was when my dad left, and my mom went nuts. I was avoiding my pain by sleeping. My brain just shutdown and I would sleep all the time. I was highly functioning, going to school, making it to class, but I slept every chance I got. Now as a mom, I don't as much of a chance. My brain keeps saying go to sleep, but I am trying to combat it with exercise. I'm forcing myself to be social when I don't want to be. There is a lot around this breakup that is causing this and it's hard to explain.
Gym tonight, Dance for D9, grocery shopping and calling a friend.
Tomorrow night I am taking D9 and her BFF to a carnival.
exH is going away for the week as is the wifey, although to separate locations. I have the dog. Who was mine at one point. It's also me and D9 for 10 days straight.
Last night after dinner i took her to ride her bike and played with her scooter. She's doing really well and she did turn to me and say " Mom, I really wish FF was here to see this. he would be so proud"
I don't think he realized what he was doing. but he didn't become attached to my D. But my D became attached to him. My fault.
