You guys aren't going to beleive this 4

[AJM]

She currently has a boyfriend

And how does that make you feel? Does that take you closer to your goal? Your goal of being you? Authentic?

Something else I've thought about is how I can change myself into someone that others will approve of.

That's not getting you what you want, is it? Approval of others won't lead to your happiness. It'll lead to many heartaches. I get why you are that way. What I'm wondering is what you'll do to change that?

When I do give in and fix her issue, I expect her to do the same for me when I'm faced with a trial. How warped is that???

That is not warped. That's what a healthy relationship looks like, my friend. You have her back and she has yours. Same with your friends. Any relationship really. In their own way, your friends *should* have your back as you have theirs. Else it's not very healthy. It's then co-dependent or otherwise one-sided.

I don't want to swing too far in the other direction and become a jerk who wont lift a finger to help anyone because I don't want to be codependant.

I admire that. What you're describing, is balance. How much or how far is something you have to figure out, right? You're the one that gets to decide. Nobody else will live with the consequences of your choices. But you're in a cycle. To break the cycle, if that's what you want, means YOU have to change. You have to decide what and how much though.

Dear 25yearsmlc, I see that you don't agree.

I don't agree with not giving an inch. I also don't agree with being a doormat and not standing up for what you believe is right at any cost. There's a fine line there.
I'm not saying it's easy. I'm not saying it's possible in this relationship. But I am saying that regardless of what happens, you'll need to grow up and stand for something. You don't have the luxury of a choice at this point, at least in that regard. You have other choices. You must see something in what's going on that you're willing to endure the treatment. I don't know what that is, but you see it. The question is whether or not you have a choice?

I know when I was in your situation, I chose similarly. Right up until she remarried. Do I regret it? Nope. I tried everything I could to save the relationship. I had 20 years of being together and most of those were good. I gave the benefit of the doubt. Did it work? Depends how you look at it. She left. She remarried OM a few months after the divorce. She (of course) blamed me. 'Cause I have so much power But I learned. I've had several deep and meaningful relationships that didn't last. One such relationship? She got angry and cut off all communications with me. That lasted about 3 days. And for me, it was like a switch because I'm worth more than that. Later, she tried to apologize and come back - twice now.

Let me ask you. What happens if you continue to be supportive and available while she dates? Does she wake up one day and come running back? What happens if you're not available and she wants to come back? What happens if you grieve and move on with your life and years from now she wants to come back? What happens if you don't allow the spewing, the accusations, the lies, the bad behavior in your life?

What happens when you've had enough?

AJ