Jumping Rope

[giftd]

Counseling today went ok. While I still have work to do on listening skills, I've confronted my anxiety and depression and am in a much better place. I've analyzed the relationship and the places I went wrong that I could have controlled. She made clear that the changes I've made have been good, but there isn't much else to do. I can't keep searching for changes to make when the goalpost keeps being moved, it's not healthy.

I'm looking at my future and what I want. It's essentially the same life plan as it was before. Next step is to finish this last online class so they will send the degree and get a lab job. I've been applying like a madman. It's really one of the last big moves I have and I need a job with coworkers to increase my social network.

I talked about moving with counselor as well, whether I should tell Wife when I move or just start moving. Wife's taken most of her stuff, everything left is "ours" including the pets. She seems to have no trouble leaving them where they are since she couldn't even stay the night I asked her to watch them. Working 80+ hours a week doesn't really leave time anyways. Counselor thinks just moving changes nothing if I'm not getting rid of anything (I'm not) and I should just do it. It's a part of my life and a necessary step with or without her. New surroundings might be good for both of us anyways.

After hearing how she essentially sat in silence with her parents at dinner and isn't responding to anyone's texts, it's clear wife's angry at everyone, acting like a child most of the time. The only feeling she seems to let in is anger, she avoids everything else. I have to focus on not playing the game... We decided that 3-4 weeks of NC is what's needed. The timeline is set because it helps me stay focused on it. Also because when I did this last time she mentioned that I had stopped talking, counselor suggested that I call tonight and ask if she needs more space (the answer will be yes). Then I make clear that I can give that to her but I'm not giving up, all without having expectations... I'm going to have to write something out.

I'm not looking forward to this conversation, it feels like giving up if I'm honest. I still love her and believe we can be happy together, I don't want her trapped in a loveless relationship. My hopes usually come through as expectations and push her away.

Things I'm working on: being more assertive/more of a leader, getting a job, finding a place to move, taking care of the pets, hobbies (basket weaving, painting, some woodworking, fishing), setting more of a routine with my day so I don't revert.