Divorced by 2016

[25yearsmlc]

Sunny asked how my first meeting with the mediator went and so I thought I'd post a little about it. It happened in my last thread, September 15. H and I seem to have little disagreement about the kids so most of our need to negotiate is financial. I met a divorce specialist financial planner at a divorce workshop and have seen her a few times trying to kick start my response to H's proposed settlement agreement dated Nov 2011 that I never responded to.

This year I asked H and he agreed that we could use her as a mediator for our financial stuff, then take that to attorneys and hopefully have minimal need of their time. An attorney I spoke with had worked with this person's clients before and said that the resulting documentation made things much easier.

So Sept 15 we met across a table with her. I knew the routine a bit from my past meetings, that every question costs time and money so I try to keep to important things. H got a little bogged down - there was a debt I questioned my need to pay, and there was my inheritance that got intermingled in our marital account, they were about the same amount so I had asked him let's just take them both off the table and save time. He just couldn't wrap his head around that so the advisor explained it twice and drew a picture. Stuff like that, that I would prefer to hash out offline. However, where we butt heads offline I have said - OK we don't agree on this let's take this one to the advisor.

The advisor has shown me that with a year and a half of child support and no spousal (his offer) I would spend down my assets and need to cash out my 401(k) and spend that too, and basically retire broke. Having given H 17 years of child and home care and sacrificed my career and given up my own business to do so, it is fair to ask H to set me on my feet when he goes. She makes a case that it won't hurt him much in the long run and it will make a world of difference for me, and it seems fair. I would NEVER have known to ask for anything and would not have conceived of the amount she is suggesting as a talking point. But she's right. I'd be in the hole and my kids would likely try to help support me in the long run. H has seen the number she suggested and hasn't yet stormed out of the discussion.

We're trying to figure out, using 2014-15 expenses, exactly what it costs me to live, and exactly what I'm spending on the kids, and will for the next 4 or 5 years or so, and whether H can afford to fill in the shortfall I would experience if I maintained my current (austerity-style) standard of living.

I feel a lot of stress and fear that I might overlook some expense and run out of money anyway, so I'm trying to be thorough for my own peace of mind.

It's very interesting to see how H's and my thought processes differ. For example, H and I co-own our house and plan to sell it when S15 graduates from high school. We should each pay half the mortgage then, right? H doesn't think so because he doesn't get to live here so he's currently paying about a fourth of the mortgage. That's his view. My view is that he is basically charging his CHILDREN rent to live in their home that he left.

Another thing we differ on. We had to start off with a spreadsheet of our spending budget. My bottom line is a couple hundred in the red; I've been slowly running out of the money I took with me from our joint account. I spent as little as possible. I buy meat only about once every couple weeks, I buy clothing from a thrift shop if any, the only vacation I went on was one H gave me as a gift. I work lunch breaks and weekends walking dogs to help keep at zero net. I'd prefer not to continue living this way but I'm prepared to live on even less if I need to. I plugged $25/month into my Savings line item just to put something there. He plugged $300/month plus $1000/month to his 401(k). So when he whines that he doesn't have much at the end to give to me it's because he's SAVING it. I think his view is that I make a lot less to I should be putting a lot less into savings and my 401(k).

We seem to disagree about the kids too. His plan was to pay minimum required child support until S15 turns 18 and then nothing more to me. I can't imagine that the day they graduate from high school I no longer buy them food or a pair of jeans, let alone college books. I'm sure I will be doing that. I may keep my second job in order to do it, but I can't see turning them out on their butts at 18. Maybe that's how it will be, but it's hard for me to see.

So the meeting itself was a little tense because it's the first time we've sat together and discussed things we disagree about. H avoids conflict and I don't love it either so it's very uncomfortable for us...but having an impartial 3rd party was immensely valuable I think. I trust her to help me not get bogged down on pennies if the dollars are going to be OK.

We went over time and didn't cover all we had intended.

The financial advisor followed up with 50-page reports analyzing our financial futures with various assumptions regarding child support and spousal support amounts, and selling the house now vs in 2018. Took me two whole days concentrating just to understand them. We have a bunch of corrections and adjustments for her to make, and I want to consolidate them with H and wipe out anything we agree on ahead of time, so we can come back to her for the next step more efficiently.

So that's where we are. I wrote out a to-do list this weekend to help me stop getting analysis paralysis and see where I'm headed. All I have left are:
4. List corrections and any different scenarios I want advisor to run.
5. Review these with H and consolidate/finalize
6. Send them to advisor and set up next meeting with her.
7. Agree on property division
8. Take to attorney to draft new separation agreement
9. H and I sign it
10. File for divorce.

Simple. NOT!!!

Adinva,

I'm catching up on your thread. First reaction is

but since I've also read the last post, I know it's okay.

I'm embroiled in GDC (Gross Div Crap) and just plodding thru it, is horrific and that's without h in the room.

I have more to read up on now, so that's all I can say for now!

Except I'm now close to DC so maybe we can do lunch sometime