Isn't it funny how her family didn't want us together and now they are my biggest cheerleaders (besides my own family). Literally nobody wants her to get divorced except her uncle.
Based on my wife's cousin's advice, I took our son over to her uncle's house, dropped him off with her, and then took her credit cards. He had had a very long conversation with her and told me that she thinks she can do whatever she wants and I will watch our son and finance her. He felt that I should shake her out of her fog and back into reality by showing her that if we get divorced, it's gonna be hard, she will have to take care of our son, she won't have my money (she's never had a job before) and she won't have my car. It was hard but it did feel right.
She was furious, but I didn't engage and just went home and went to bed.
Don't worry about our son, she is a good mom, she is just being selfish right now.
I met with chuck, and he gave me some great, helpful tips on GAL, enforcing a schedule, and challenging her core beliefs about me. It was good to hear someone specifically address my issues without being vindictive (which I realized I've been struggling with)
downhub - is there anything you can share about how you challenged your W's core beliefs about you? I am facing the same issues with my WW. She spews back so much hate about our 25 years of marriage to me: she never was in love with me, i never saw or valued her, i always shamed her. blah blah blah. It hurt so much at first but now I don't believe any of it. The problem is that any time we get into any type of conversation this stuff comes up again and again. It is a real barrier to our moving through any discussions. It would be helpful to challenge her in this. I've tried validating to an extent and its just not working.
Anyone else have advise?
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
So most of it was in how I react. When she tells me something like "I never loved you" I simply validate her and don't cry or react emotionally. I have started treating her like she is divorcing me (not paying for stuff, forcing her to take care of our son rather than run around doing whatever she wants, etc.) and then I'm not texting and calling her through the day. It's hard and goes against my instincts but it's what needs to happen. I suffocated her with affection through our marriage and now I need to change that.
So she says she's gonna call a lawyer today, is mad that I took my credit cards away (I left her enough money for food and stuff for her and our son) and is mad that I dropped our son off with her (even though that's what she was doing with me). We are going to set up a schedule this afternoon, and even if she files for divorce she has to have a 90-day cooling off period and doesn't qualify for a no-fault divorce. I think a hard dose of reality and not having her cake and eating it to might shake her up a bit.
She's so angry right now that she can't see reason, but after a few days or weeks of this she will cool off and let's see what happens.
Folks, honest opinions are appreciated. She hasn't talked to a lawyer, or me, and I know she's angry. I'm letting her be angry and not trying to appease it.
I know I had to do this, but part of me struggles with being a nice guy and apologizing and begging her to come back. But I know that won't do anything. Maybe this will.
She came home, announced that she had found a daycare to watch our son and she is getting a job. She will drop him off at day care while she is at work.
She acted like everything was fine (she's still staying at her uncle's house) and didn't bring up lawyers or divorce again. It was strange
Based on my wife's cousin's advice, I took our son over to her uncle's house, dropped him off with her, and then took her credit cards. whoah....wow. That's a really huge thing to do without legal advice. Is the cousin a lawyer? And that's such a controlling thing to do and I'm shaking my head.
Ask Chuck if that will get her closer to you or resenting you more. FWIW, I'm not sure when I'd have filed exactly (a 35 year marriage with 3 kids)
but when I noticed h closed a mutual credit card, I filed the next day.
He had had a very long conversation with her and told me that she thinks she can do whatever she wants and I will watch our son and finance her. He felt that I should shake her out of her fog and back into reality by showing her that if we get divorced, it's gonna be hard, she will have to take care of our son, she won't have my money (she's never had a job before) and she won't have my car. It was hard but it did feel right.
next time ask your DB coach b/c your goal WAS to save the m, not punish your w or "teach her a lesson." As my DB coach once said "it's not our job to teach lessons to our spouse, life does that."
Your w was going to live with her wacky uncle, which is odd obviously. But didn't sound expensive. Was she bankrupting you?
She was furious, but I didn't engage and just went home and went to bed. Don't worry about our son, she is a good mom, she is just being selfish right now.
call Chuck again, please. And don't take anymore financial or legal action without knowing the consequences first
or at least anticipating them.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I haven't closed any cards, I just asked for the credit cards (she still have the debit card). I'm the cardholder anyway, they aren't mutual accounts.
I have consulted with a lawyer already. I'm not trying to teach her a lesson, but I'm not a doormat anymore. Chuck had already questioned why she was moving out but the baby wasn't moving with her and said I should discuss a schedule with her where he was with her more.
As in the link above: " I can not recall a case where the H saved the M and really "got his W back" by supplicating, appeasing, and any doormat methods he mistakenly thought was DBing. That is not the way to get the respect from a WW. She is tough, and the H has to be tougher."
I am meeting with Chuck on Thursday and I feel comfortable with everything that has happened so far.
