25yearsmlc 10 Yrs Later I File D part 3

[25yearsmlc]

Previous thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...011#Post2740011

I went up to see d19 (youngest) in Boston for Mother's Day.

I had seen my 2 oldest in CA the week before, due to GDC (Gross Div Crap) and despite the nature of that visit, we really had some heavy discussions.
Productive, but painful.

Friday night the same happened with my youngest. Lots of discussions, much of it painful as I owned my own role in the family dynamic that caused her to feel scapegoated at times

She brought up how h and I (and sometimes her much older siblings) would discuss her pot smoking, and her anger.

Her recent point was, "why didn't we talk about how dad was living away during the week, AGAIN"??? She felt the elephant in the room was avoided

Which is a damn fair point.

I felt like I owned a lot, some of which might not be true but IS HER perception. And she appreciated that. She and her dad do Not get along as she informs me that

she told him, "you said you want a R with me. Fine. I need from honesty from you, and you are not able to do that without professional help, bc you distort reality to fit yours."

Ouch...

ANYHOW then Saturday came and some protests happened in Boston.

MY Kid got punched in the face by some idiot (a$$) and they were both arrested.

I must say, this is an experience I've never had...bailing my kid out of jail, then staying another night in Boston, and showing up for the arraignment.

The bully a$$ did not show up, so there's a warrant for his arrest and evidently he has 2 other similar charges in other states b/c this is what he does. He brags online that he does this and that he drank "all" his vodka before the rally.

He's twice the size of my d19

and the good news is, it's all on film.

FTR, I don't share my d19's politics. Neither does h, for sure.

but So what? As a mother, I can only grimace at the photo of a guy twice her size throwing a punch at her with a soda can in his hand. She ducked away and it was a glancing blow but -

WHAT IF???? WTF?? It's really good that I wasn't there b/c I'm not sure I would not have been arrested too...seeing a guy that size hit MY kid...OMG...

And no, I did not call h b/c I was not asked to...

very mixed feelings there. On one hand, I was relieved not to have to calm HIM down or hear him discuss 1) the costs to HIM for this 2) the politics of it, or how 3) HE better not be blamed for ....whatever.

it's not about him.
It's about her, but never mind me bailing her out or staying the weekend for an arraignment and being up all night getting the film printed out, etc. H would assume I'd do that, as it's a given in h's mind. God, how true that is and when I write it out I shake my head. My needs in that marriage were not met for some time. I need to remind myself of this more often. The past few years, we had our moments. But other times, more often than not, I did all the heavy lifting in our marriage. And I let that happen.




But I would have liked his support. Wow, thing is, I would not have gotten it. I would have been peace maker again. OR he'd go into crisis mode and again, I'd have had to calm HIM down.

Now that we may have to hire a local attorney (I can't honestly say I'd be a real help given that I'm not licensed there. BTW, that state has some archaic procedures that were things I had not heard in 30 years if ever. "Oh ye, Oh ye">>>> seriously?)

I know one thing...it'll cost...

Could have been so much worse and I know that. She's bruised and will have a record if we don't take care of this. God knows what would happen if she were sharing a cell.

As for the assailant, I feel a maternal anger I've not felt since my son was sucker punched in 6th grade. But this is also fear based b/c d19 is openly gay and she's small, like Peter Pan.

And this horrible bully, targeted her, harassed her, flattened her and tried to punch her hard...

(In fairness to the police I do think they arrested both people b/c there were 2 volatile groups and I guess they figured it would sort itself out later, which is true. But costly and traumatic).

Should I have called h? I don't know. D19 did not ask me to (in her one phone call from jail) and the older kids were like "God, no."

It's not actually the first thing I've handled without h as a parent. Since we've separated and he's been on his adventure, it's actually the second.

Our s30, got very sick in early April. Apparently you can get "rhabdomyolysis" from over exertional exercise and that means your kidneys are behind the curve ball. Your limbs get weirdly enlarged (and though s30 is buff, he's not Popeye).

H is an MD. But when I suggested that s30 call his dad before s30 decides NOT to go to the ER,

s30 said they were "not on speaking terms"

But s30 did go into the ER & got treated. I just didn't know for a fact that h was not in close contact with s30. That's probably the most valuable r has in our family.

On Mother's Day, d19 wished me a Happy Mother's Day on fb (I was nearby, but still) and thanked me for raising her...I assume that's a dig at h, but it's fair too.

I'm exhausted and sad for my youngest. I worry she'll be targeted a lot in life. She is so very angry at h, at all his views, at everyone who she believes is like h. That cannot be good for her.

The moron who assaulted her is NOT h. I know this. You know this.

But d19 sees this^^^ all as related...it's a "white men over 40 bad"...I understand that, but it makes me sad (and no, I do not agree.)

On the other hand, from what I hear from s30 and d28, h's political views have become quite extreme.

Political differences were not that big with us, b/c we mostly agreed. I was always more diplomatic (always)

but I did notice a lot of anger in his views towards the end of our time together.

Sometimes I see a connection. Some strange dynamic wherein he came to demonize me as part of the "system" denying him his adventure.


SIDENOTE - d19 informed me that last summer h told her I would "come running up to Alaska eventually"... God, how annoying that is.

Driving back to DC from Boston, I finally arrived in my new place. My new "home".

And I felt overwhelmed like I could not take anymore.

But I don't know what that ^^^ means. I'm not crazy, I'm not suicidal, I'm running off to Europe (though suddenly that has appeal!)

and I'm not crying. Maybe I should, but I don't seem able to. Weird.

I'm furious about my d19 getting attacked, of course. I'm lonely not having a partner or co-parent sharing this with me. That makes me feel like I'm ready to be dating, btw.

In my head I still revisit how horrible h was when I was hospitalized (here in my hometown on a trip).

H didn't come out to get me till AFTER my doctor said I could not travel alone. My family was aghast. Then h left me in CA in a haze a few days later. I was unable to drive and only knew 2 people locally...how could he feel okay about THAT??? My gut says, he simply does not revisit that at all. How could he defend that?

I'm tired of feeling sad and angry, too. In my head, I know what I have to do.


Maybe I cannot think my way out of this pain. I have to face it, feel it, get through it and somehow just get past it. Like I said, in my head, I know what I have to do (getting out and getting life really do matter, and really do make a huge difference).


but there is a wearing down by the GDC, the health issue I have to constantly be mindful of, starting my career back up, taking care of my d19's issues, b/c she really does struggle with depression and anxiety,

(and I still need to be there for my older kids b/c they are in pain. I will always be their mom and I do not want THEM to be worried for ME as if they are the parent.) I know they want me to date but their reasons are mixed and not all right for me.

I think I'm ready to meet & "Date".

But to really have a relationship seems like you'd just be distracting yourself. Maybe that's good.??

I mean, how could you not compare your new Person, to the stbx?

As much pain as you're in, that means for awhile the OP will be "better than" the soon to be ex b/c God knows you want that to be true.

But there will be times that cannot be true. I mean, the jokes, the history -bad AND good- and the things you really did have in common, cannot all be exceeded in the new person. I'm attractive and smart and funny....

Maybe it's all about the new OP being in the adoring phase b/c God knows, I am not and neither are the kids.

No one in our nuclear family adores or admires what h has done. Since h needs that, perhaps he's right to start over in a r where he can get the admiration he so desperately craves. Hmmm, who am I to know or judge?

So back to ME...


Feelings won't spontaneously change with new wording. I must function, I must MUST get thru the GDC and I need to create a new life.

I need to see this and embrace this as a positive transformative experience in my life.

Oh, btw, I got no money from h this month, so that's nice.





M: 57 H: 60
M: 35+ yrs
S30,D28,D19
H goes ALASKAN, 2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille & M Restored 8/08
UPDATE
10 YRS pass
H to Alaska Again
like Groundhog Day
I file D 10/16
OW