I heard back, he was a little cold and said " later in the week although I don't know what the point is but whatever you want". I told him he sounded less than enthused and fine, we won't do it. he said what Don said, it's too early and these things get messy.
I'll make a long story short. I expressed some feelings I shouldn't have. I should have left it alone. I did tell him it hurt heoculdn't even wish me a happy mother's day. HE Db'd like a champ. He didn't even say anything in regards to that. he understands I am still hurt. I could see he turned everything off and I guess I spun a little on that one. He denies his distance for the 3 weeks prior and really saw this as an overnight decision. But I know better. I made the mistake of telling him I loved him and I'm letting him go. He said "thanks for the kind words" and I left it there.
I went backwards in DB time for 9 years. I've actually kept my mouth shut pretty well with the others. Maybe spun all over the place here, but not to anyone directly.
So, I have effectively made an A out of myself and that's the way I will be remembered. Half of me truly wanted to be his friend, the other half is still confused trying to make sense of things.
His bad traits? Ha, he does have them. I tend to idealize, but I always knew the bad came with the good so I always weighed them out. But bad traits, he is a self proclaimed alcoholic , lol. But he isn't really. Else I am an alcoholic because I only drink slightly less than him, hahaha. He was needy and insecure at times. He didn't handle stress to well. He was very opinionated and judgemental on how people should be doing things. I remember we were in a park on vacation and 2 kids were playing and the dad was on his phone. he went on about what a bad parent he was for being on his phone while his kids were playing. I told him he has no idea what he was doing with those kids earlier and maybe its time for kids to play and for him to relax. I said he really doesn't know what is going on in someone else's life before he judges. it's obvious signs of immaturity. And he just said some really messed up stuff (not to me) that could leave you with your mouth gaping open if you didn't get him.
he always joked that he has a black hole where his heart is supposed to be. I always told him that's not true. he is young. He is still trying to figure stuff out. And if him distancing himself from me totally helps him, I get it.
So what did I do? I erased all of his texts. I erased his contact. I unfriended him from FB and I went totally off of it. I am just going to erase him for now. In my heart I wish him the best. I hope he finds what he is looking for.
As for me? I went out with a very close friend last night. She cried when I told her because she knew how happy I was. All my friends have been there for me. I think he was always a little resentful of my friends. I am going to get back in to shape. I've lost some depression weight, but I am throwing myself back in full force. He has always struggled with his weight and he gained a lot since we both stopped the gym. His confidence went down the tubes with his weight coming back on. I told him I am here to help and we would do it together, but he did what he wanted. Now it's time for me to get my butt back into shape. I may be turning 37, but no reason I can't be a hot momma.
Part of me wants to just forget everything, the other part wants to remember the good stuff. For now, I'm going to do my best to forget and maybe one day I'll be in a good place to remember.
But from here on out I'm just erasing him from memory, contact and conversation because it's what I need now.
