Leah, a little 2x4 for you. You are allowing your emotions to control this time and again. You guys seem to want to be back together but it is like each of you is fighting to lead the dance and getting frustrated when you butt heads.
How about a little changeup. Text him something like: H, I really want to see you. Let's start this thing over. Just text me the details about when you are coming. We will work out the rest when you get here.
Then stop all the posturing until he gets here. And then when he does, just live in the moment and have some good times. UNLESS he brings up the R. In other words. Reread DB and DR and FOLLOW them.
You see a glimmer of light and keep thinking you've found the mother lode. When it turns out not to be there, you get discouraged, emotional, and lash out, pushing him further away.
Yes, Ownit, all those things are true... but if you'll read back through a few of my posts, you'll see where I admitted to those issues back on Monday. Which is why I'm back to a beginner's place in DB. I see no need to text him anything. He knows I want to see him. When he's ready, he'll make the trip down, and we'll go from there. In the meantime, I'm letting him do the pursue, and I respond kindly, but not overboard, like I'd been the last few weeks. Thanks for your thoughts on it! Have a great weekend.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Leahsue, we are very similar in our behaviors during this journey. I kept "acting" like I was detached but then kinda hung on every text, response or non-response. And for every time I was able to pull back I would then pursue. But in the last month I started picturing a future without WH and lo and behold, talk about the tables turning. Instead of there being tension and anxiety when WH was around I was relaxed and occupied. We've had a sort of break through recently. He viewed my detachment as being passive aggressive and purposely aloof, it wasn't...I just...detached.
What GALing have you been doing?
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Hey girlfriend, Actually, I just read your latest thread and responded before I saw this. So funny, how sometimes we all have such similar thoughts. The biggest difference in our sitch is I have not seen my H face to face since Jan. 1, while yours has been "in your face" this whole time. I don't know what is harder, but they are both hard enough to last a lifetime. I have been GAL the last few days. Before that, I was feeling very isolated and sad- my own fault. My mom came for the weekend, and I took her to a neighborhood party tonight, which was so very validating for me. Saw some old friends, met some new ones.... I'm still exercising, still hating it, but whatever~ I am doing OK. I did text H this morning and said I need money, but so far, no response. Tomorrow should be good- my mom will still be here and my son and his partner are driving down for lunch. Tomorrow, I will go to church, eat too much, enjoy my mama, and my sons, (missing my D but will see her next week), but there will be an empty place inside me that H usually would fill, making sure I had a good M's Day. But that's OK too. I'm striving to get to where you are- to truly not care how this turns out. It's a marathon.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
leah, go easy on yourself, it is still relatively early in your sitch. Not time to measure results. You are doing great. Try and take it day by day; focus on you and your happiness and allow yourself to imagine a life without him (because YOU deserve to be happy if he comes back or not). Right? Forgive yourself often. Learning to DB is not about being perfect and going as long as you can following every rule to a T. Not at all! That stress sets you up for failures and makes it harder. It does the opposite of the intended goal. Think about it.
I think I used to be too hard on myself when I messed up (when I was needy, lost my temper, broke down, didn't follow Sandi's rule, pursued or cried to him, stayed in my bed and didn't GAL, etc, etc, and way too many to list here!) What I can see now is that this program/philosophy is NOT about learning to be perfect. Following the rules and being perfect is NOT how we can "win" our spouse back. In fact it can have quite the opposite effects and causes them to run faster.
Here is my interpretation of DB and it's value. If you can learn to do it--make 180s in your thinking and behaviors, GAL and start doing things you enjoy for YOU alone, follow Sandi's rules and adopt healthier behaviors patterns, then (and only then) can you start to detach from this unhealthy relationship. As you begin to detach, you gain a better perspective overall. The secondary gain is that as you detach (become the distancer) and as you successfully make changes, you become more attractive to your S again. This is why we say that he is giving you the gift of time--all of this takes time. That is hard (especially when we are impatient) but it really is a GOOD thing.
I also wanted to add that I see similarities in yours and Sara's sitches too. If you read back in her threads, they were in different states for some time. He (as does your H) seems to respond a lot when you start distancing and showing signs of detachment. Her H too has come around several times and pursued her and even told her he was committed to the M. While this can feel more hopeful at times, it can also be confusing because it's harder to get off the up and down roller coaster.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thanks, Blu. I did need the reminders about not trying to be perfect, which is true, but more importantly, not trying to DB perfectly. So H called this morning to say Happy Mother's Day. He's still planning to visit sometime before the end of May. It was an OK conversation and I do appreciate him calling. The funny thing is- a few minutes after we hung up my Mama gets a text from him (and she doesn't really know any details of the sitch) that reads- "Have a happy Mother's Day! I miss you. I plan to be down later this month and hope I can get down to visit you. Have a wonderful day today spending time with your beautiful daughter." WELL. That was nice. Happy Mother's Day everyone!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I hope you didn't read my post as a criticism, rather as someone who's "been there, done that, still doing it." I would read and re-read posts of successful DB'ers and while intellectually understanding their process, I had to stumble along until reaching the emotional understanding of detachment.
The GAL stuff you did this weekend was Uh-Maaaazzzing! Surrounding yourself with those who love and value you is vital to detaching. If you spend too much time in your own head, isolated and alone, then detaching becomes impossible. I have had MANY false starts with my WH. If I had to point out my "mistake" it was jumping into piecing too quickly. I should have held back and watched WH's behavior while filling my own life with GAL. Instead I integrated him back too quickly and didn't protect myself. Will I keep making mistakes? Heck yeah! But I hope they will not be the same ones and will also decrease in frequency.
My biggest issue internally is anger and rage, in all facets of my life. DBing has taught me how to be a better mother, sister, daughter and friend. You wanna talk flaws? I have a shelf full of them. But that's life, it's the journey not the destination. You're doing fantastic.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Wow. What an interesting last few days. SO enjoyed my Mama here for 2 days, which that in and of itself is huge. Not her being here, but me enjoying it. But here's the thing, friends. Coming out time. (Not for me, but for my son..... which if you've followed me at all, you've probably figured that out already.) So my Mama turns 80 this year. She's lived small town, in the south, her entire life, and really does not "get" any kind of open thinking about civil rights, of ANYONE. BUT, I do believe she's a good woman at heart, and means well. She's just never been exposed to much except people just like her. So when my son came "out" 10 years ago, I told her. And she said OK. And that was it. No discussion. (She also tends to bury her head in the sand if things start to feel uncomfortable for her.) Side story- when my son came out to me, I was OK about it, just sad for all the time he had spent worrying about everyone's reaction, but MY H, (not my son's father, but his step-father) who also had never even probably known a gay person personally, went straight to full acceptance, validation, and left my son a message that said, "your Mom told me what you shared with her last night, and I just want you to know we love you, will always love you, and that you are more of a man than most men I've ever known. So just keep being YOU, and we've got your back.") While my Ex-H ( son's father) kicked Son to the curb while simultaneously trying to send him to a camp to "change his mind, set him straight, whatever". So all that is background to this past weekend. Because I am here in the south due to H's craziness right now, turns out I invite my Mama here for the weekend, but also my son and HIS PARTNER WHO I LOVE DEARLY, decide to come down for the day. This is the part I've been wanting to share with all of you. As I sat at the dinner table yesterday, on Mother's Day, watching my MAMA and my GAY SON AND HIS BOYFRIEND, all hold hands for the blessing, then sit and visit, enjoy the lunch, help Mama with her phone, and everyone genuinely seem OK with each other, then hug as they leave. PEOPLE, this is a miracle. And maybe the happiest day of my life. And all without HUSBAND here, who is many ways helped shape this day into happening.
So last night after all is quiet and everyone gone, I called him. Normally I don't initiate. But last night I needed to share, and he is the only one who would "get it". He didn't answer, but called me back within one minute. And since I had had some Mother's Day cocktails, (which I warned him about at the start of the convo), I spilled it out. How the day had gone, what a miracle I had witnessed, and that much of it was due to him and his open heart 10 years ago.... and that had this last 5 months not happened, chances are I would not have even been here to be the center of this meeting of the hearts. I said to him, you know, sometimes, things just work out. It was the very best conversation we've had since BD. Today I woke up to feeling kind of weird about being so open with him, but decided sometimes honesty is best. Totally did not expect to hear from him for a few days. But tonight he called. And said my mama had just texted him about how much fun she had here, and how proud she was of all the work I'd done on the house, etc. but the crazy part of that was that he called to tell me. Then we had the next best conversation. I was so happy, and I know he knew it. And in turn, he was a little more open. Kept talking about when he can come down, and how he's looking forward to it. All of this to say, sometimes we may never understand why DB happen in our lives, but maybe sometimes, they are there but not even related to the marriage. Let's watch and see where we go from here. But people, yesterday was GOLD in my life. And I would not have had that, without the heartache that preceded it. JUST SAYIN'
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Happy Mother's Day everyone!