My wife came back over this morning, crawled into bed with me and slept until our son woke up. We then had a very long 3-4 hour conversation. I tried to be firm, I didn't cry, I did at one point ask her "Will you ever want to come back?" but other than that I was firm, strong, and nice. She reiterated that she never loved me, never felt attracted to me, never enjoyed having sex with me, and she doesn't want to come back. But then at the same time she said it's hard and she fights just coming back so everything would be easy.
How do you know if she is re-writing history, or if she really was faking it for 5 years?
Unless you're extremely wealthy, owner of a mens magazine or a rock star, I doubt anyone would fake it through 5 years... Her words sounds like something I have read hundreds of times from walk aways...
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
Alright, thanks for the encouragement guys. I validated her, told her that I understand what she was saying, she knows I don't want a divorce. But overall it was a very good talk, she apologized for hurting me, she said she doesn't want me to hurt, but she said she's done not being happy so that I can be happy and that's why she's leaving. She's still here, playing with our son while I work, but she's leaving again tonight.
I'm just not going to initiate contact or ask her to do anything, just GAL.
I asked her why she faked it for so long, and she said she never felt like she could leave, that only recently she felt it was ok to leave and she doesn't care what anyone thinks. That she just went along with it hoping those feelings would come.
The only thing keeping me going is the knowledge that it's all her re-writing and following that script.
My favorite one of the script is that they're tired of the LBS not being happy. They've bought into the selfish ride that there's no way they could make us happy.
I don't want what we've had and I'm sure neither would you, Downhub, want exactly what you've had to date in your marriage. But what I didn't want was someone to just bolt and call it a day.
Best of luck Downhub.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
After my wife and I finished our long 3-4 hour talk, she received a text from an older cousin who lives 8 hours away who she deeply respects and was actually at our wedding (no other members of her family were at the wedding due to drama at the time). He was near our home and wanted to stop by.
He came by, and, without being told and without knowing what was going on, asked her why she thought she wasn't happy anymore, and why she thought she could find something better. He told her "I was at your wedding to make sure you wanted to marry this guy, and I told you if you wanted out I'd take you home. So why are you now deciding you weren't?" She was flabbergasted and shocked. He then pulled me aside, gave me some advice, and told my wife to call him. All of this happened without anyone telling him what was going on.
I am a christian, and I feel this was God moving to bring in someone my wife respects to try to shake her out of her fog, and at the same time encourage me. She left after he did and I haven't talked to her since, but I could tell she was deeply shaken and didn't know what to think. I'm going to stand back and see what happens.
Believe NOTHING she says, and I mean NOTHING. She is in a wayward mindset and has rewritten history in her mind to justify her actions. Think of her as a victim of alien abduction and this is a pod person. My WH said the exact.same.things. Over and over again he would tell me how awful our marriage was, how there was no redeemable qualities about me, how he just "needed to take care of himself." He swore he never was in love with me, despite the humongous leap he took going against his family to marry me. (we are from different cultures) I swear they have a book downloaded into their heads when they pull this junk.
The good news is she will one day realize how incredibly stupid and destructive she is behaving. The trick is not to get sucked into her whirlpool and protect yourself and child while she goes down this road. Please, as someone who put waaay too much in my own WH's words when he was doing a lot of the same awfulness, DETACH. You are doing a fantastic job and this is a marathon. Please continue to surround yourself with loving and supportive people. Do not let yourself be alone too much, don't try to analyze every expression or word that she shows, most likely she will later not even remember half of what she has done.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Thanks PsySara, her family also didn't want her to marry me and we hid our relationship for two years before we got married. It's so great to hear that she is just repeating things that every other wandering spouse has said.
