On way to DB Victory?

[25yearsmlc]

Question: The longer DB goes on and the less time you visit, speak, communicate with spouse: how do they know you are still interested in working on marriage?

Example: I am GAL, 180, Detaching - and then months go by and we slowly start drifting apart...how does/will she know I still want to work on marriage? Do we ALWAYS let them to be the one to bring it up? What if they are scared of rejection and don't want to bring it up?

Make sense?

You have said the Div was retracted and refiled multiple times. So one or both of you is far too reactive. And in most eyes your time line is very very short.

Your post above and signature block make it seem to me that you think if things are not all better by next month, then all is lost. That is Reactive and fear based.

here is the math of it, which I think I've posted to you before but here goes...

Small consistent changes + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

Stop rushing this. You really do each have issues. No judgement meant by that comment.
I mean, what was the m like when you both were happy?

What would SHE say the problems are?


What are you doing on your end of things now? I don't mean how much you are working on getting her back

but on your own inward work? To become a better man, h and dad?

How is your son handling all this?

[resolut]

Question: The longer DB goes on and the less time you visit, speak, communicate with spouse: how do they know you are still interested in working on marriage?

Example: I am GAL, 180, Detaching - and then months go by and we slowly start drifting apart...how does/will she know I still want to work on marriage? Do we ALWAYS let them to be the one to bring it up? What if they are scared of rejection and don't want to bring it up?

Make sense?

The only thing I can think of is do you really want your W back if she's not pursuing you?

I've struggled with many of these same thoughts as you. Keep focusing on yourself and becoming a better version of yourself. If you're W can't see that then that is her problem.

[sellout]

New minor development:

While discussing coordination efforts with son on phone with wife yesterday she said 2 things that stood out to me:

1. Each and every time I answer the phone with her, I am upbeat and positive. Yesterday she said, "wow, you sure sound happy". My response, was yeah, I am happy. Continued into conversation.

2. I have been taking my time in responding to her calls/texts now and certainly don't initiate any. During the call yesterday she made the following comment "why do you take so long to respond to my texts at night". I told her that I've been busy and hadn't had a lot of time. Her response was "what are you so busy doing?" my response, "working out, reading, journaling, Bible Study, Etc..." She didn't really have much of a response.

Thought provoking...

Anyone???

[MoveFrwd]

Im having trouble answering your posts, because they are all kind of the same. You post something where you show your W is confused and then ask if we see hope or change. We tell you to stop focusing on W and you snap back that you are. And then the cycle repeats.

Yes, there is hope that your M can be reconciled.

Yes, your W is confused and will give off 'signals' that confuse you if you try to analyze them in detail.

I dont see how those answers will change anytime in the near future.

[OwnIt]

I have to ditto Kaizen here. And I think you are missing the point that 25 made above. You won't get any better advice than that from someone who has seen it all now.

[sellout]

Thanks all. Good to know some think there is still home. Ill just keep up the DBing and see what happens.

[sellout]

Question: The longer DB goes on and the less time you visit, speak, communicate with spouse: how do they know you are still interested in working on marriage?

Example: I am GAL, 180, Detaching - and then months go by and we slowly start drifting apart...how does/will she know I still want to work on marriage? Do we ALWAYS let them to be the one to bring it up? What if they are scared of rejection and don't want to bring it up?

Make sense?

You have said the Div was retracted and refiled multiple times. So one or both of you is far too reactive. And in most eyes your time line is very very short.

Your post above and signature block make it seem to me that you think if things are not all better by next month, then all is lost. That is Reactive and fear based.

here is the math of it, which I think I've posted to you before but here goes...

Small consistent changes + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

Stop rushing this. You really do each have issues. No judgement meant by that comment.
I mean, what was the m like when you both were happy?

What would SHE say the problems are?

What are you doing on your end of things now? I don't mean how much you are working on getting her back

but on your own inward work? To become a better man, h and dad?

How is your son handling all this?

I am making the slow, consistent changes and trust me, she notices. I would almost bet that she is in the stage now of "seeing if it will stick". My son is doing ok. HE doesn't like talking about it and keeps it to himself which isn't that great. We both (mom/dad) always tell him we are here to talk when he wants to.

Yes, I am the reactive one. I was far too reactive in many circumstances from 1/1/17 to about a month ago. I filed for divorce, retracted, filed again and then she said she wanted to retract and then filed final time.

We have not been to court yet, and she hasn't mentioned anything about divorce in about 3 weeks. She is now calling/texting more regularly sometimes just to tell me some story that has no relevance.

One thing that stuck out to me in the DB book is...do what works and stop doing what doesn't work. The goal here is to get my wife back and it seems that she is slowly opening up the communication lines.

I went to my Counselor yesterday and he made an interesting recommendation:

He said: "I know you really well now and know your story. What I don't know is the other 50% of the story. I would like to get your wife in here to my office by herself and he the other 50%, that way I can help you become the better man and father that you want to be."

At that point a light bulb went off in my head and then Dr. confirmed my thinking. If she would agree to come in to visit with him with it could certainly acomplish 1 thing (him hearing the other 50% of the story) but......... it could also potentially open a door where should could start to hear about the poistive changes I am making in my life, get her some vent time and who knows what could come out of it.

I briefly mentioned it to her this morning (after she called to tell me a meaningless story) and she said she would think about it.

Thoughts?

[resolut]

[quote=25yearsmlc][quote=sellout]He said: "I know you really well now and know your story. What I don't know is the other 50% of the story. I would like to get your wife in here to my office by herself and he the other 50%, that way I can help you become the better man and father that you want to be."

Hi Sellout,

My IC also recommended the same thing. I thought it was a very good idea and I waited a few months before I thought about bringing up the request to my wife. You are fortunate that she will think about. My wife threw it back in my face saying she had no interest in my counseling or how I am processing the breakup of the marriage. To me it is just more of a sign that my wife is moving further and further away from me. I was reluctant to bring it up in the first place for those months because I knew I was giving her an open net to just hurt me.

In your case, it seems a good sign that she will consider it. I'm interested to know how this goes and if it is helpful.

[sellout]

[quote=25yearsmlc][quote=sellout]He said: "I know you really well now and know your story. What I don't know is the other 50% of the story. I would like to get your wife in here to my office by herself and he the other 50%, that way I can help you become the better man and father that you want to be."

Hi Sellout,

My IC also recommended the same thing. I thought it was a very good idea and I waited a few months before I thought about bringing up the request to my wife. You are fortunate that she will think about. My wife threw it back in my face saying she had no interest in my counseling or how I am processing the breakup of the marriage. To me it is just more of a sign that my wife is moving further and further away from me. I was reluctant to bring it up in the first place for those months because I knew I was giving her an open net to just hurt me.

In your case, it seems a good sign that she will consider it. I'm interested to know how this goes and if it is helpful.

resolut, I am sorry to hear that it turned out that way for you. I am in no way out of the woods as she has agreed to nothing. Even it she does agree it could really only mean for the first part (help me become better man, father) and she could have no interest in what it could possibly do for our relationship. I figure that it was worth the risk of asking. I will let her think about it for a little while and then possibly move to a scheduling for her to go see him. I figure is she could get into the hands of a "professional" that could only increase the odds of us DBing.

[sellout]

I would like to get everyone's opinion on something.

Over about the last 3 weeks or so my wife has become more and more talkative, friendly, texting more, telling me random stories of things that do not matter and just more generally upbeat and positive. I have gone along with all of this and played her game. She is still dating other man.

She or I hadn't mentioned the divorce status in almost a month and no relationship talk either.

Many of you have advised that I am Plan B for her in the event that the OM doesn't work out. With that said, I told her the following on Friday morning:

ME: "Based on the recommendation of my therapist, support groups, mentor and a lot of prayer, it is best if you and I have minimal communication. Keep it to the facts and ***son*** coordination. This is the best way for me to heal and move on with my life. There is a Ton more about this etc... but that is the long/short of it. Last, it finally hit me last night that the last time I was ever to be at THAT house, was Easter night, on the front porch, walking away. Who would have thunk that 5 months ago?!?!? How depressing. When the house sells, I plan to hire a mover to come and pack whatever I end up with and personal stuff. I can't ever come back there.

HER: "You're right. It's very depressing. I tell you everyone how sad it is that you've worked so hard to have this nice house that you're not even able to enjoy. [censored] for everyone. I'm sorry. I will give you space"

I helped our son buy her a Mothers Day gift and she texted telling me thanks (i told her it was from our son and not me). She said she knew and said she LOVED it with heart emjoi's etc...

Other than that, I have had no communication with her. Just wondering if I made a mistake? She was obviously opening up to me by having friendly conversations, texting for no particular reason other than to tell me meaningless stories, etc.

Thoughts?