Here I go again on my own...

[Ginger1]

So, who is ready for this?

I saw my IC tonight. I brought up everything you guys said, everything I have been feeling. The conclusion? I really do love him. I really was happy living in the moment. It was him looking to the future. ANd he can't be blamed. I could sit there and be mad he "pretended" like he wanted to build on the life I had, but we concluded he was trying to convince himself of that. He didn't even know at the time.

I feel for him. Like my heart kind of breaks for him. I just know and my IC concurs with the story I told her of his ex GF. He just wants what he thought he had, but someone else got. I know how devastating and life changing it is to watch someone live the life that was supposed to be yours. He feels not good enough for himself. I hurt for him because I have been there. He is not a bad guy. We were really good friends.

Before seeing her I realized how important it would be for the both of us to meet as a friend. I want to be a sincere friend to him. I think he could use one. I don't think anyone understands him. I actually do. Maybe his purpose in my life is to be his friend. And perhaps he could be a friend to me.

So I texted him tonight to ask to meet up next week. I said I want to meet simply as a friend. Not in anger, not to beg him back. I do want to talk to him, but it's good, not bad.

I think this will be good for the both of us. What we had was a great thing. Why should it just be cut off completely? The only reason I could think of is to save my heart. But my hreat is not scared to do this.

Timing and circumstance simply cannot be beat for his wants. I know things are just not possible for us. Our needs are different. They are mountains to climb. They are non-negotiable without making huge sacrifice on either part and that would just lead to a life of resentment.

More tomorrow about me and the appt. But she does not think I love wrong or I move to fast. She thinks I learned from trying to rasp onto something that isn't right for me because I wanted a certain future.

This time I was loving the present. I was content. It was he he needed more, not me.

[Ginger1]

.....and by the way, he did agree to meet me. So, he is getting back to me with a day this week.

It felt good to get reassurance from my IC that I am not loving wrong and I am not doing this wrong. She is a believer that you don't reap all the benefits if you only put half of your heart in. She does absolutely believe you can love someone after 3 months. She also believes you can spend 10 years with someone, not really love them, and not even really know them. She ates I got my heart broken and this is the ending. I did not cry until I told her how I realize how he is hurting and why he hurting and what he hurting for. Why he is so angry and frustrated. I told her my heart truly hearts for him. She said "that's love, Ginger".

We likened our situations to houses. I have a small quaint beautiful house built me with me and D9. Our plants are watered, the house is home. However, there is this room to build an addition on this house. The right guy for me is going to want to build an addition onto our home or put our 2 houses together, and even if they are messy, we will both see it as the perfect house for us.

FF has his foundation. His FF job he's been on for a year. His own business he's unsure of. He wants to complete that home with a wife and have a kid when the time is ready to make their beautiful perfect home.

I don't ever want FF settling for my home because he couldn't afford what he wanted. Neither of us want that, and it only builds resentment.

I am sad because I was happy. I had what I wanted. On my end. A great connection, great companionship, having a blast, doing fun things. We talked about a cruise, or an all-inclusive vacation, we ad such a blast together. That's what I want in life right now. A partner I could have fun with and build on that. What we did have was awesome before he began to push me away.

I felt hopeless about finding these things for myself or D9. But I believe it's going to happen because I am being honest with myself.

[doodler]

Ginger,

I'm sorry you're sad, but everything sounds good. Well kinda good; I think you should tell FF he can't fart on you anymore. You know, boundaries and all that stuff...

[doodler]

And he should stop eating his boogers.

[Ginger1]

I got real sad again. I just dreaded going home last night. I pretty much slept. I felt bad. D9 and I did get our nails done and grab some dinner, but I cried and slept.

Today, while she was at her party I couldn't bring myself to do anything but sleep. ex just dropped off D9 with a gift and said happy mothers day in his obligatory tone with barely looking at me.
This is my life.

I just want to go back to sleep.

[whatisis]

Grief does that.

[Zues126]

G, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Sleep is good. Sleep until you can't help but have the energy to do something. And if that isn't until Tuesday you have my permission to call in sick until then. Hope you have some quality moments with D9 tomorrow and thank you for being a good mom.

[Ginger1]

Thank you so much Zeus. I try everyday to be the best mom I can. I am afraid I have been failing her this past week but sleeping and crying so much. The grief has seriously knocked me out. I have never slept so much in my life. I even slept on my lunch breaks this week at work. My friend got me out to a Mother's day cycling class this morning and I am glad. It was a really hard ride, but I did well. I am trying to make myself look pretty today for our early dinner so that I can just feel better.

He didn't even wish me a happy Mother's day, ignored my post on FB (I am going back off, it's ridiculous I even read into that) and I guess he is far off detached. he had been detaching for weeks, so I guess not so hard. But yes, I should focus on my side of the street, but I wonder if he has really forgotten about me that easily. If he still thinks of me. If he has an ounce of hurt in him.

I am angry for myself for spending today trying to fight off tears on this day when I have my loving family with me. Grief has taken me over. I know this too shall pass. Hopefully if he gets back to me with what day we are going to meet. I'll get an ounce of closure. I wanted to be his friend, but I don't know if I am strong enough.

I think I am realizing lately I am not really all that strong.

[whatisis]

Just do your healing...don't rush into trying to figure out what kind of relationship you want to have or not have with him. Just take care of you for now.

[DonH]

I would have thought that more people would have commented by now. Perhaps we are all waiting for someone else? So i guess I'll be the one to respond to your IC and her thoughts along with you going to meet FF this week.

I know you just want to feel better and hurt less, I just don't think going to meet FF is a good idea right now. For sure feeling sorry for him and trying to help him through this is not. That just sounds so codependent to me. It's not your job to make him feel better or be understood. It's not your job to fix him! I can't help but think that you are just hoping for him to say "omg, G I made a huge mistake and want you back." Is that what you are hoping for? If not, why rip off the dressing and reopen the wound all over again? Even if he does convince himself he did the wrong thing or is hurting too and wants it to stop, I can't believe he won't return to the same place he is now - all over again! He may think, just like he apparently did in the first place, that he can fit into an existing family. He will only figure out for the second or third time that he can't.

We can't stop you nor should we but as your friend I have to tell you how bad of an idea I think it is to go see him again so soon and expose yourself all over again. It's almost like a drug addiction and the drug is calling you back, pulling you in. Don't allow that to happen.

As for your IC, I totally disagreed with her advice on D and again disagree with some of her latest comments. I don't know her - you do. I just know that many ICs are more damaged than the patients they see. We all know how important finding the right marriage councilor is and how many bad ones are out there. I can't help but think she is bringing her own personal bias to your situation. I agree with her that people could be together 10 years and still not be in love. TOTALLY AGREE. But how can you truly be in love after only a few months with someone you don't know yet? To me that's not true love - that's infatuation!

I do agree with her that you are not all wrong in this. Opening yourself is not wrong. Wanting what you want is not wrong. For me and seeming others here, it's the pace of it all. She disagrees, but she does so with many, including other R experts.

I just mostly don't want you to hurt even more and going to see FF has a great potential fir that to happen. You had a friend talk you off the ledge a few days ago on this. I hope she does it again.

Seeing you in so much pain both makes me feel really bad for you and scares the crap out of me. You've gone from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows in only a couple of weeks. I'd really love to feel the highs with someone some day again but am not sure the risk if the lows is worth it - for me that is. I remember how bad I felt after my BD and just don't ever want that again - not for you or for anyone. Sadly, that's not how life works. I'm sure everyone here will support you whatever happens, I just hope you'll take a step back off the ledge again and let more time pass before you go meet FF. I don't see you getting anywhere near the closure you are hoping for.