Sandi, you mentioned all those were ways that a WW could end up back at a starting place. I am not at a place where my W would agree to no contact. But if she was I know for certain that my W has screen shots of photos from his FB page and has written at least 3 poems about their sexual experience on her phone. Could that there keep her in a permanent withdrawal? And if so how would I address that situation.
Absolutely, those things could keep her emotionally attached to the OM and craving contact with him. The hardest part for her will be getting him out of her head. Looking at any keepsakes from the affair is like a drug addict getting a fix. In order to break the addiction, she has to stay clear of the things that will trigger her desire to reach out to him just one more time. Each time she succumbs to the temptation, it sets her back. It's not fun for her, b/c her desire for her MR feels dead, and she sees it so impossible to revive. (We can give you ways to show support with this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ later).
Let me ask you something, b/c the last part of your quote implies your W volunteers to end the affair and stay in the MR. So.........you have not approached her about the OM or what you would need to stay in the M? I need to refresh my memory about your situation. Until then I will answer based on a decision to approach your W with the news you cannot remain in a MR of betrayal, disrespect, and mistrust.
Transparency is nothing more than a cat & mouse game, if the WW has not agreed to end her affair and work on the M. And let me add one more thing, just b/c she agrees does not mean she'll be honest. I suggest the H does not automatically believe the MR has reconciled just b/c the WW ends her affair. Some WW's will end the affair (b/c it was about over), but also inform the H she will not work to save the M.....and wants a D. So, be mentally ready for almost anything.
Even if the WW agrees to end the affair and do the necessary work to revive the MR.......the H should be very careful about assuming their relationship has reconciled. She will have a very tough process ahead of her (if she genuinely goes through the necessary work). Until she has gone completely through withdrawals, don't assume the MR has reconciled mentally/emotionally.
Withdrawals can last for months. However, as long as she's proving to be trustworthy, then you and W can work on your friendship. You can incorporate a lot of fun activities. It doesn't need to be all gloom & doom, if she's trying to do the work. If she is doing the things you asked for (transparency, deleting all texts, photos, social media tags, and any other avenue she and the OM used to contact each other)..........then you could tell her you want to encourage her and help her through the withdrawal process. Many people are not informed about the addictive hold an affair can cause. They don't really know what to expect after ending an A. Remember, she will initially respond to her mental state, and a period of depression usually follows the end of an A. The span of time the depression lasts, varies. When your W is calm and she is showing an attitude of willingness, you should be able to convey information you've read on the topic of affairs. Cadet's signature line says, "Knowledge is Power". If the W knows the emotions she feels are very common following an A.......then hopefully, she will understand that those feelings will pass. She is not doomed to sadness and despair for the rest of her life. This post is too long, so I may have to carry this part of the discussion to a later time.
I tried to put these actions into steps, but I'm too wordy! Not even sure I dare try to number them. Anyway, let's say you are ready to break your silence about the affair.
1. You have sufficient proof (or your W confesses) of an affair. No matter what type of affair (EA, PA, IA), you have decided you cannot stay in a M of betrayal and mistrust. For you, it compromises the integrity of the M and your dignity.
2. [u]Therefore, you draw a line and tell her that you will not continue to live in a M of dishonesty, disrespect, and betrayal.
3. You present her with two options. (A) In order for the M to continue, she immediately ends the affair and blocks all contact (directly and indirectly) to the OM, his family, their shared friends, shared hangouts, app sources, and connected workplace. In addition, she agrees to being transparent and commits to the necessary work in restoring respect in the MR. (B) If she refuses option A, then she finds another place to live and files for divorce.
There are no other options, although she may try to force one by telling YOU what she'll do and not do. Well in that case, you need to be ready to separate. If she refuses to end all manner of contact with the OM,..........and refuses to commit to necessary efforts in restoring the MR..............then separation should follow, unless you want to live in limbo. Most WW's will try to drag it out as long as long as they get benefits from both sides.
4. If she agrees to option #A, then you can explain what you will need from her in order to build trust in the MR. In other words, you briefly explain your transparency plan.. Frankly, I believe there are other important factors that should be included. Such as you finding a qualified therapist who supports couples healing from affairs. Also, having your W sleep in the bed with you (just sleeping, initially).
But now listen........if she is hostile, screaming, etc. before you even mention the word transparency, then I suggest you wait until things are calmer. If she picks the second option to go with OM.......there's no point in giving her all this stuff about transparency.
The main target at this percise moment is for her to choose the M or the OM. Don't try to present everything you've learned in DBing (as some H's want to do) b/c it's overwhelming, and it's not really the time. She has a choice to make. I don't recommend time & space for her to think it over. Most WW's have dragged out the time, and still tell the H she doesn't know what she wants. That's not how this works. She either chooses her M or her A. She can't have both.. If she wants OM, then she needs to pack her bags and go to him. If she wants to stay in the M, then she needs to calm down and listen. You must stay in control of your emotions as you explain the purpose of transparency. Don't raise your voice, but do say the words with determination.
Be alert about her claims of how they will just resort to "being friends". She cannot be friends with the OM.........no matter what! Be alert to any proposals she makes, that doesn't line up with your options.
She is the one who betrayed her H, so the burden of proof is on her, and it comes through her willingness to be open with her H and show him that she has nothing private or secret from him. This is not to imply there is no work for the H. They will have individual work, as well as couple work. Her work may look nothing like his work, especially while she's going through the painful process of getting back to a healthy place.
5. Once you have explained what you will need from transparency, tell her she needs to begin right now, by deleting and blocking everything that was associated with the OM. You need to watch with her as she deletes and/or destroy things. BTW, if she has passwords, she needs to give them to you. The first time you are blocked, you'll know she has private/secret things from her H.
Needless to say, none of this should begin late in the night. If you approach her about the affair........choose a time when neither of you have been drinking, are stressed with other distractions, or physically exhausted.
Sorry for taking up so much room. I have difficulty finding an end!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
