Well, first night alone. I'm not going to initiate contact while she is not at the house. Even though we had a really good day with laughing and jokes between us, she still left. Her expectation is that I will, at some point tonight, get upset with her, text her, ask her to come back or say I miss her. When I don't I know she'll be surprised (she was shocked when I didn't become emotional when she said she was going to be sleeping elsewhere for a change). I'm actually excited to change, because to be honest even I didn't like how I used to react.
I asked her if the was OM, and she said if there was she would be with him. She tells me all the time she doesn't consider us together anymore.
I don't know how much more she could plainly draw a picture for you. Sure, you continue saying you don't believe it's an affair.......but have you ever heard of self-denial? She tells you it's over and will be staying with the man she recently met for the first time.......and she doesn't even want her baby b/c he's inconvenient. Is there a particular reason you have for not seeing what is in front of you?
Let me tell you a true story. There was a couple that married and then split up pretty quickly. However, she was expecting a baby girl when they broke up. Sometime during that little girl's teenage years, she discovers where her daddy was living and leave her mother to go stay with him for a while. Well, long story short, they did not have the "natural" parent-child bond. To that man who had never seen her or make contact with her......she was a pretty, young woman living in his home. The story ended with them having an incestuous relationship.
I can see the same scenario with your W and her half-uncle who is her own age. They don't feel like family b/c they never knew each other. If it was some other guy, would you stay home and raise the baby alone, while your W went to stay with him? Would you tell her you don't want her thinking she's not welcomed back? I mean, she plainly told you if there was another man it would be him. She is not the first woman to go to a "relative's" house in order to get closer to the man.
Have you met him and his wife?
What are the ages of you and wife?
Do you have parents or siblings? Any family living close by you? Why did you spend all that time at her family's place?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm sorry but this comes across clearly as an affair from the outside looking in. There is some research into something called genetic sexual attraction, there is a small subset of reunited relatives who bond very tightly and incestuously when they come together. Your wife is abandoning her husband and child to "sleep over" at a married man's home who is her same age. Uncle or no, there is an affair.
Read up on something called the Westermark effect, when closely related people are raised apart there is no chance for the Westermark effect to set in. Your wife is, in the very least, having an emotional affair. She is swimming in dopamine and oxytocin and deep in the "fog."
Boundaries need to be in place, bare minimum get some sort of schedule set up where she has 50% of time and responsibility with your son. If she refuses then document every time she punts her duties. She wants a strong, assertive husband? Then continue the outward detachment (not reacting, not begging, not pursuing) and in the meantime document the date when she moved out, keep track of the hours she spends with your son versus over at the OM. She is not fit to mother right now and you MUST protect your son.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
So, I've been down the affair route with her, and there is not one (at least, if there is, she's hiding it very well from me and his wife). We hang out with them almost every evening, I've met him, hung out with him, his wife, his kids, everything. There is an unnatural attachment, but it's not an affair, at least, AFAIK. If it ends up being there is an affair, oh well, I tried to discover it and failed, she's gonna do what she's gonna do.
She came home this afternoon, I hadn't texted her once (besides to reply to her texts) and as soon as she saw me she came over, gave me a very tight 30 second hug (which hasn't happened in months) and then asked "what did you do today? I haven't heard much from you today." we talked for a bit, and it's been a pleasant evening. This is probably the most dramatic change in my behavior she's ever seen, so I know she's wondering.
Tomorrow she's spending the day with our son and I'm going to go to church and do some things for myself. But I am encouraged by today.
Oh I should add, she's stayed at his house before, as have I. he has a spare bedroom. I seriously do not think they are having an affair, but she's definitely in that "fog" and it's not a normal or healthy relationship. Her relationship with him is a big part of why this happened (at least, I feel it is) and so I treat it as if it was an affair.
I am 25, my wife is 23. Our son is 2. her uncle is 23, his wife is 22, and they have a 4 year old and 8 month old.
The reason I was visiting my wife's family alone was for a multitude of reasons (this was the first time I've visited alone). To bring my son up to visit his grandparents and aunts, my nephew's birthday, to help my SIL with some stuff. My wife didn't come because she had just been visiting them alone, she didn't want to deal with her sister's drama, and she wanted time alone.
Well, I need to keep getting better. After hanging out with my wife and her uncle and his family at our house, I blew up at something that he did that I felt was inappropriate. I asked my wife to come to our room and got upset with her. I said that if there is something going on between them to let me know and we'd get divorced if that was what she wanted. She said there is not, swore up and down and I believe her. But I could tell I had ruined the progress I'd made over the last few days. I texted her later and apologized for blowing up (but not for getting upset over the behavior).
When she comes over today, we will see what happens. I bought her a mother's day card and small gift from our son, and I haven't texted her at all (usually I would bombard her with texts). Her relationship with her uncle is definitely a problem for me but I don't know how to deal with it, anytime I say something she says "He's my uncle!" and she feels there is nothing inappropriate at all.
Her relationship with him is a big part of why this happened (at least, I feel it is) and so I treat it as if it was an affair.
How?
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So, I've been down the affair route with her, and there is not one (at least, if there is, she's hiding it very well from me and his wife). We hang out with them almost every evening, I've met him, hung out with him, his wife, his kids, everything. There is an unnatural attachment, but it's not an affair, at least, AFAIK. If it ends up being there is an affair, oh well, I tried to discover it and failed, she's gonna do what she's gonna do.
All that I can determine is the "affair route" you've been down is you quizzing her about the R with her uncle, and her lying about it. You "choose" to believe it, but even your eyes are seeing that their R is not normal.
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After hanging out with my wife and her uncle and his family at our house, I blew up at something that he did that I felt was inappropriate. I asked my wife to come to our room and got upset with her. I said that if there is something going on between them to let me know and we'd get divorced if that was what she wanted. She said there is not, swore up and down and I believe her. But I could tell I had ruined the progress I'd made over the last few days. I texted her later and apologized for blowing up (but not for getting upset over the behavior).
My question to you is why are you hanging out with him and his family? Why are you having them over to your marital home, as if everything is just dandy?
I think you need to be more specific about what you know is not quite right between your W and her uncle. What did he do that was inappropriate?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are right, I am choosing to believe her that there is not an affair. If there is, it will come to light eventually, but I've accused her enough of one and she's denied it enough that I can't keep going down that cheese-less tunnel.
She told me today that she intends to make her move to their home permanent, they told her she can stay with them. She said it is because I got angry with her over their behavior last night (which was what seemed to be inappropriate touching), but I think she was already planning this. I'm just going to continue getting my own life and going as dark as possible.
She come over last night, collected her stuff, and I helped her load it up. We then all went to dinner for mother's day, which was awkward and painful (she texted me at dinner that she was having a hard time fighting back tears).
After dinner, I told her happy mother's day, and left. This morning she came home before our son woke up and crawled into bed with me. I've been avoiding her since.
How the woman I love more than anything in the entire world, and that I thought loved me, turned into someone who will do anything to get away from me because I'm apparently just that terrible is just soul crushing. I'm staying strong, not showing her any emotions (She said that I always react with emotions and so that's one of her core belief's about me that I'm trying to shatter) and not begging. But I just want to kiss her and for things to go how they were last year.
