Jumping Rope

[giftd]

Old Thread

Today was hard; graduation. Emotional roller coaster from the speeches and general realization that she wasn't there. Friends, family and her family supported me with texts and calls. Received a text from her halfway through the ceremony "Congratulations on your graduation. I hope you have a wonderful day."

All I could do was be angry, which made me sad. I wanted her there, we both sacrificed for me to get this degree. I initially wasn't going to walk, I didn't for my high school graduation. Figured it would be a good test of my anxiety coping and a good 180 to show off a bit. Felt good to shake the hands of the professors.

I find myself hoping she feels bad, feels guilty for not being able or willing to take time off working 80+ hours a week to come to something that means this much to me. I went to both of hers, undergrad and masters. She couldn't do one... Anger is so easy. It pours out. The sadness that follows just drips.

Starting basket weaving tonight. I've had the stuff to do it forever and just haven't. Too much rain to practice archery.

[RDS]

If nothing else, congratulations on getting your degree. No one can take that away from you. If nothing else it will be something you can look back on to see an accomplishment you were able to overcome in very difficult circumstances.

I won't even try to sugarcoat her not being there with you. That [censored].

[giftd]

Thanks RDS.

Her father called today to talk. Said that the whole family (mother brother him) all went and made the 3.5 hour trip to see her for dinner on mothers day. Said she refused to talk about anything in her life. Essentially sat in silence while they made awkward conversation to try to draw her out. He was pretty upset about it. She really is pushing everyone in her life away right now. I feel like I need to treat her like an addict, addicted to avoiding. She's still working 80+ hours a week and I'm doing my best to NC. I'll talk to counselor tomorrow but it really feels like it's going to be a long time before she can even talk to anyone.

Next step is to get a decent job, looking for something in science now that I have the degree done. I've had this crappy job that gives unreliable low hours for a couple years now. I'm keeping on my life plan with or without her. Still, I'd much prefer she was here to enjoy it with me.

[giftd]

Counseling today went ok. While I still have work to do on listening skills, I've confronted my anxiety and depression and am in a much better place. I've analyzed the relationship and the places I went wrong that I could have controlled. She made clear that the changes I've made have been good, but there isn't much else to do. I can't keep searching for changes to make when the goalpost keeps being moved, it's not healthy.

I'm looking at my future and what I want. It's essentially the same life plan as it was before. Next step is to finish this last online class so they will send the degree and get a lab job. I've been applying like a madman. It's really one of the last big moves I have and I need a job with coworkers to increase my social network.

I talked about moving with counselor as well, whether I should tell Wife when I move or just start moving. Wife's taken most of her stuff, everything left is "ours" including the pets. She seems to have no trouble leaving them where they are since she couldn't even stay the night I asked her to watch them. Working 80+ hours a week doesn't really leave time anyways. Counselor thinks just moving changes nothing if I'm not getting rid of anything (I'm not) and I should just do it. It's a part of my life and a necessary step with or without her. New surroundings might be good for both of us anyways.

After hearing how she essentially sat in silence with her parents at dinner and isn't responding to anyone's texts, it's clear wife's angry at everyone, acting like a child most of the time. The only feeling she seems to let in is anger, she avoids everything else. I have to focus on not playing the game... We decided that 3-4 weeks of NC is what's needed. The timeline is set because it helps me stay focused on it. Also because when I did this last time she mentioned that I had stopped talking, counselor suggested that I call tonight and ask if she needs more space (the answer will be yes). Then I make clear that I can give that to her but I'm not giving up, all without having expectations... I'm going to have to write something out.

I'm not looking forward to this conversation, it feels like giving up if I'm honest. I still love her and believe we can be happy together, I don't want her trapped in a loveless relationship. My hopes usually come through as expectations and push her away.

Things I'm working on: being more assertive/more of a leader, getting a job, finding a place to move, taking care of the pets, hobbies (basket weaving, painting, some woodworking, fishing), setting more of a routine with my day so I don't revert.

[giftd]

Called last night when she'd be out of work, she didn't answer, I didn't leave a message.

Sent a text this morning saying I would like to talk for 2 minutes, would be best. She called a few minutes later. I asked if she needed more space from me. She said "what we've been doing is fine". I said that I am just trying to make sure I give her what she needs right now. I don't want her to feel trapped. She congratulated me on graduation and asked how it went. I guess my friend sent a photo to her. I said it was fine, very long. She said she was proud, then reiterated that she can need space and still be proud of me. I just said thanks.

I started to move to end the conversation at this point but she asked about a move out date. I said we didn't have one yet (we do, I just didn't want to talk about it now) and asked why she wanted to know. She said she wanted to get her stuff out of the way and had to plan ahead to do it (no mention of the animals). I didn't reply to this and said that I wouldn't be calling or texting for a while but I'm here to talk if she wants to. I ended with I hope you are doing ok and she said "I hope you're doing ok". I said I'm doing just fine and I could hear her choke up a bit. I then said have a good day and hung up.

It doesn't feel good. The friends I had been preparing to do this with said it went well, I'm not in a place to see how it really went. I'm kind of just looking at it as a way to do what I say. 3 weeks of no contact. Honestly I'm pretty scared I'm going to lose her completely during this time. Stubborness is her superpower. Sometimes we call it determination, other times it's just her being pigheaded.

[Thornton]

Don't worry about her stubborness. I've been through this before a few times and I thought my W was the most stubborn, prideful person on the planet. Both times she came back to me in tears.

She'll come to you if there's a chance things will work out. She will slowly start dropping hints and gradually start talking more about the relationship.

Keep going with NC. I know how hard it is.

[giftd]

Thanks for the support Thornton. I've read your threads and know you've been through a lot. Everything just feels pretty hollow right now, I'm sure tomorrow I'll see some positives.

[giftd]

So I got an email about setting up a phone interview today for a job. Phone interview went well and they are going to email a time for a formal interview next Wednesday. It's a micro QC job for a big company and the pay will be a lot more than I've been making with a lot more hours.

Feels pretty good because I need this to get everything else to fall into place. Knowing where and when I work allows me to schedule extracurricular activities that require commitment (athletic activities primarily). I'll also be able to figure out better where I'm moving to. Part of me hopes she sees that I've done all this and it shakes her up, but it's been the plan the whole time.

Knowing I can't contact her now that I've told her I'd give her space is actually making it slightly easier on me. I know that I've essentially given my word and to rebuild trust, I have to keep it. Maybe I'm twisting this but I'm viewing it as almost a 180, not that I was unreliable before but she's built that up in her head. Breaking her expectations of me while building up my life.

[RDS]

Good luck with the job interview.

[giftd]

Interesting day today. Got up late, been having a hard time sleeping with the warm weather. Had a bunch of calls from my friend/roommate and his girlfriend. Had to rush over to the hospital as he had an accident and absolutely destroyed his ankle. She didn't know what to do and he wanted me there to translate doctor speak and be there for him. Was a long day and I'm realizing now with moving coming up and some of my GAL plans involving him I'm quite alone right now. He spends all his time over at his girlfriends and we mostly talk on the phone, now the plans for the summer are mostly blown up.

On the plus side, I was able to drive into the city alone, find the hospital I haven't been to before, then find him in the emergency room all on my own. This is a big showing of the work I've put in on my anxiety. Things I'm not sure I would have been able to do 2-3 years ago. Then I drove his girlfriend home so she could get things and the car, through a beer festival going on in the city. Progress.

I briefly talked to my wife's father. He is with her mother at the camp where her grandparents stay during the summer. I miss working on it to get it opened up. I did get to share my exciting day and the job interview with them though. I left out the part where if I get it I'd be making almost as much as she is (when she has a masters degree) with 40 less hours worked a week. Realizing that has given me a bit of amusement.

Biggest problem I've had today though, was talking with the doctors. They all asked who I was and told me what a good person I was for being there for him when he needed me. Said that some people don't realize how good the people in their life is until they are gone. HRNNN! Choking up again. 4 months ago, I know my wife would have been there if I needed her. Today, I honestly don't know what she would do if I ended up in the hospital. That's not an easy thing to think about....