My take is not quite as urgent on this: Yes, it would be a nice sign if she would provide this (and I brought it up with mine last night, opened the door, and will bring it up again in a couple of days), but, at the end of the day, in this day and age there are about 10,000 different ways that a WW can contact her AP surreptitiously. (Create new email or other accounts, get a "straight talk" or other pay as you go phone using cash, even installing vonage on their phone so calls don't get registered with your provider. (And, if they're really slick, they can hide apps in the background so they are not easy to find in a cursory search.) If she's gonna cheat she's gonna cheat.
I'd like to respond to this statement, b/c I've seen very similar words from other LBH'S. First of all, the above quote is absolutely true!
I want to go on record as saying that the purpose of transparency is not to make a spouse stop cheating. Someone who is determined to cheat will certainly find a way to do it.
Transparency is a plan to support both spouses. It's a method of restoring assurance and trust to the betrayed spouse. It also aides the wayward spouse in avoiding tempting contacts with the AP, b/c she has nothing to hide from her H. Without full cooperation from the wayward, transparency will fail in healing either spouse. Transparency comes after the WW agrees to end her affair.
The H needs to have a reference point where he has drawn a line in the sand, and the wayward has agreed to end the affair and to have no other contacts from that point forward. It is not necessary that she feels happy about it. However, it is necessary that she agrees to do it, in an honest effort to withdraw from the addiction of the affair, and to regain her H's trust. This is the part that she has to understand. Otherwise, her resentment and rebellion will override the purpose of transparency, and she will claim the H acts like a prison warden, a spy, etc. She will balk at not having privacy, and she'll twist and turn it around until the H begins to feel he was wrong and should apologize for not trusting his WW. My point is that he needs to understand transparency, himself, before he attempts to present it to her.
Some men require a detailed account of the W's day & night. I believe that could be overdoing it, and it's not going to last very long before she'll balk. I tend to doubt these WW's who want to send photos every 15 minutes prove where they are or the activity. I do not know enough about all the new apps or how a H could verify his WW wasn't using them to contact her AP. As previously stated, she could find a way to contact the OM if she chooses to do it. The H is not to stand guard over her all the time, or constantly asking for proof of her activity.
Before ever bringing up the transparency word, a H should know where he stands. She should have to make a choice. She either chooses the M or the A, but she should have both. She either ends the affair and communication with the OM.......or separation occurs. If the H doesn't intend to separate from the cheating W.........why even bring up the affair in the first place? And........if she refuses to be transparent, he should accept her refusal as her choosing the OM over him.
Transparency does not have to last forever. In the beginning, and until she is through withdrawals, the H should verify her phone activity. From time to time, he will look at her messages. As he becomes more assured she is being honest, he will not verify as often. Over time, the verification will become less and less frequent.
If the H catches her in a backslide, then he has a choice to make. They can start over again or he can call it quits on the M. Here's the thing to remember while she's going through withdrawals........every time she contacts OM (see messages, hears his voice, sees his name, hear someone else talk about him, sees his photo, see him across the parking lot, etc. & etc.) it yanks her back to the starting place of withdrawals again. It is kind of like a drug addict can't have one more hit.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
