WW won't separate

[resolut]

In the meantime until Friday what are you doing? Moping around the house lamenting your troubled marriage? I'll bet your WW is not doing that. She's out living it up. People who mope around the house are not very attractive. You need to start real GAL right now. Go out and have a blast. Join a gym and start getting in shape. Be someone that other people might be attracted to and not feel sorry for.

Yes I'm working out. Lost 15 pounds. Running about 15 miles a week. I am on the GAL track and not sitting around at home. And yes I get the part now about not looking for sympathy from her.

[TxHubby]

In the meantime until Friday what are you doing? Moping around the house lamenting your troubled marriage? I'll bet your WW is not doing that. She's out living it up. People who mope around the house are not very attractive. You need to start real GAL right now. Go out and have a blast. Join a gym and start getting in shape. Be someone that other people might be attracted to and not feel sorry for.

Yes I'm working out. Lost 15 pounds. Running about 15 miles a week. I am on the GAL track and not sitting around at home. And yes I get the part now about not looking for sympathy from her.

That's awesome! Stay the course with this. Actually, crank it up a notch.

[resolut]

I've been feeling a lot of anger for the past few days towards my W for the mess she has put us in and its not good for me.

And yes basically I have accepted that the marriage is over at this point. Like I said though on @TxHubby's thread though, I count it as a real defeat if the A continues and we get a D. I'm not a quitter and especially not one on a marriage that I've been in for over half of my life. Three affairs is devastating but I'd much rather be able to end the marriage if my wife will choose to end the A and go into MC and we can find closure. There's little change of this happening but I can try.

So I'm not going to rush things but let them happen from here.

Meanwhile, I'm joining a running club, going on a trip with my kids this summer and fixing the house up because we're going to need to sell it.

[resolut]

Be kind to yourself! And think of what you would tell a friend. Do you really want this person back as they are? Until they show you they are committed to you, are remorseful, and willing to do whatever it takes to repair the damage, then the answer is quite simple. NO! You do not.

So please trust me--I have come out on the other side--analyzing their every move will not bring them back, and it may push them further away. It tortures you and your self esteem also. So take the focus OFF of them and take care of the person that matters most. YOU!

I hope this is ok but I found this quote over in BuWave's thread and it is helping me so much right now. I wanted to quote it because I don't want to forget it and I want to center my life right now on myself and my kids. I can't control my WW. she has hurt me and still is hurting me. I'm getting an upgrade out of this process one way or another. She doesn't deserve me staying in this right now but I am.

[resolut]

Unexpectedly my W came to me today and said she wanted to discuss the D. She has not yet met with an attorney and doesn't understand the process very well or mediation. There was a lot of mistrust in her in what I was trying to convey. I told her to go meet with an attorney and get her questions answered.

Then the conversation really turned. She began to realize as a SAHM that she's going to be financially devastated if we D. She has no job or income. She began feeling very hopeless at this point. She broke down sobbing. She still is keeping a wall up about the A or any plans regarding that. Frustrating.

I didn't set an ultimatum but I did say there's a way back at this point if she goes NC and ends her affair. We can work on the MR for six months or so and re-evaluate. I'm willing to do MC if the A is ended and there's no contact.

I'm willing to move to D now if she doesn't change or in 6 months. I'm not assuming I want her back but I'm willing to try.

I didn't get an answer on that but I didn't get a no. I'm not hopeful. She's still in her fog I think.

I'm going to ease off and let this conversation sink in. Give her time to talk to an attorney. I'm going back to focusing on my life, running, praying, being with my kids and enjoying my life. I'm trying to take BluWaves advice and totally ignore what she's doing. If it's important then it will be a clear action.

[resolut]

I woke up this morning and went for a walk. After about a mile in I started to feel like I want to move on from my W. Like TxHubby says, the marriage is tainted and I just don't know if I can live in it even if she decides to come back. On my walk I was really just struck by how wonderful it would be to meet someone new and develop a new relationship. It is hard to imagine having someone to talk to that is interested in me for a change.

I don't know how to trust or interpret my feelings currently. This isn't how I was feeling yesterday and I know it is way too early to be thinking about dating another woman while I'm still within a marriage, even if it is to a WW.

I just can't shake the ambivalence.

[Thornton]

It's all apart of the process as you begin to detach. The more you detach, the more you will start to think about the future in a good way.

[resolut]

Thanks. Then I am making some progress then myself.

My wife though is making no progress. During our discussion about D it was inevitable that the A would come up. She still puts up a wall about the A. Won't admit to it. Claims I don't understand. Am I tracking her car? I am not I tell her. What difference would it make? I know where you're going and who you are with I tell her. Etc, etc.

I just don't get it. The A is in plain site now. Its not secret and she won't admit to it or acknowledge my pain. How wayward can you get?

I feel like I need a suit of armor against the ridiculous things from our M that my wife accuses me of. When this first started I actually believed her, lost a lot of sleep, had anxiety and was very hurt. It took me a while to reflect on her accusations and realize they just aren't true. Just not humanly possible for me to have treated her like that. She's projecting on me I know.

Anyway, I just needed to write some of these things down. Looking forward to a run tonight, then a school event and then visiting my sons college this weekend.

[resolut]

Still struggling today. After a week or so of feeling stable myself, I'm cycling back into anger and it doesn't feel good. I like the days when I feel good about myself and I believe in there being better times ahead. I don't know what shifts.

One thing that I'm really concerned about right now is one of my older children catching on that something is wrong with my W, Her behavior is just obvious. School is almost out and I have one coming home from college. If they ask where mom is I'm just going to say I don't know. Go ask her. Text her. Its past time in our situation to tell them but of course my W has no intention of mentioning she's in an A and I have no intention of protecting her.

[resolut]

Sort of out of the blue my W took a step back towards the R tonight. She apologized for the pain she's caused me. We also talked a little about the R. There was physical touch that hasn't taken place in months. She's still confused and in her fog but I can see a change. I'm guarding myself though as I want to see actions from her.

I'm going to keep on with what I'm doing. Focusing on me and my life and happiness. I'm going to be kind and validating. I'm also going to be giving her more compliments here and there. I'm trying to evaluate what's not working and to try new 180s when I see them.