KGirl - new life, new stuff #2

[Maybell]

Yes, My Guy and I have been dating for almost a year and a half. He's very sweet.

I have no secret. I got lucky finding him and I've been lucky with how patient and generous he is and how willing he is to see my best parts. It hasn't been without bumps. It's just been two people who want more or less the same things and are patient enough to not give up on each other.

I did not start dating until Mr. Fantastic had been out of the house for a year and a half. I actually time when I started dating from when I screamed "I need space!" And slammed the front door on Mr. Fantastic. That's when my healing from all that began. Well, it's when I began expecting him to do some work on the relationship in order to get me back, and when I stopped expecting him to actually make the effort. I signed up for match about a year after that, and I really just signed up as a way of finding out what was out there. I got lucky that it only took a few weeks to find My Guy.

I thought I was pretty well over Mr. Fantastic when I started seeing My Guy but the truth is I have discovered pockets of hurt and grief and anger over time, even as happy as I am with My Guy. One doesn't negate the other. My happiness with My Guy doesn't heal me from the wounds Mr. Fantastic inflicted.

One thing I've learned in my year and a half with My Guy is that I am still absolutely, 100% as much my own person as I was during the time that I was alone. It took a while to figure that out. I was very anxious and a little needy during the first, I don't know, 10-12 months? I wanted him to commit and recommit and I wanted to feel married again even though I barely knew him.

He was absolutely committed to taking things slowly (in some ways). He is a person I have been able to learn healthy relationship habits from. I can be myself around him, 100%. I started a really demanding new profession when we'd been dating about 3-4 months and he's stood by me absolutely through tears and meltdowns and utter exhaustion. We can have arguments and work our way out of them constructively (I'll be honest, I sometimes enjoy the arguments because in many ways they bring us closer). He does stuff for me all the time, little things. He holds my hand, all the time. I look up to him on some things, but without feeling like I'm less than. Because he was totally inflexible about taking things slowly I had the space to understand how to be myself in the relationship and that has brought it up to amazing. Our lives interact so wonderfully now. We help each other. I know about the stuff he's got going on and he asks my opinions about it, and I share my stuff with him and appreciate his perspective as well.

I have absolutely no illusions that if I somehow lost this, it would be easy to replace. But I think if I did lose him, I would be better equipped to be single than I was when Mr. Fantastic left. From that perspective, My Guy has been enormously helpful to my healing. I appreciate that. A LOT.

K, if you aren't ready to be single then it will be hard for you to find that kind of relationship. There has to be space for YOU in the relationship -- do you know who you are yet?

Don't doubt that you are lovable and that there is someone out there for you. But do be willing to invest some time in yourself, even while dating. It's the best thing you can do for a good relationship.