Why are you so worried about coming off as controlling? Was this an issue in your marriage?
No, but recently since the crap hit the fan, I keep asking for her to keep in the loop regarding her activities. Those times she accuses me of being controlling and not giving enough space.
Sorry I haven't checked in for so long. So some things have changed. I'm not convinced she is still having an PA and maybe not even talking to him anymore. After multiple times requesting (and her promising) she finally removed the texting app that she promised.
I do keep seeing her drifting off to a part of town that she typically would never visit. The OM doesn't live any where near that area but I suspect he may be working up there. After I saw her go there 2x in the past month I followed her there the 3rd time (don't ask). I parked across the street from where her vehicle was. She was at a sandwich shop and had parked in the front. I couldn't really make anything out but I think she spent the whole time in her van with the window rolled down. There was a work truck backed in next to her and she was also backed in. This was a very busy location as it was lunch time. I couldn't see much from my vantage point. She was either sitting there on her phone or she may have been talking to the people in the work truck. After an hour or so she started the car up and left. I didn't see anyone leave the vehicle or anything odd. I was distracted and had to duck out of sight in my car so I wouldn't be seen. A minute later the work truck started up and left as well but it had 2 men in it. Still not sure she had been talking to them or not so no real conclusions could be drawn. I did follow the truck for a bit and neither of the men in it looked like the OM as far as I could tell.
She did call a few minutes later to tell me she had gone to that area looking for a yoga place that was evidently closed down and she never could find. In fact the first 2x she told me she had gone up there and then this time she did tell me as well.
Later that night I said that it was odd that she kept making trips up there and that toll tag reported each time as being between 1 1/2 and 2 hours that she was up there. They all just strike me as odd trips. I further told her that one of my friends who works in that area had seen her at this fast food restaurant in her van. She denied to me that she was ever there. I find that extremely odd...I asked multiple times and finally told her to cut the BS and stop lying because he saw her and her van there. She still denied it. I was angry at this point and told her that if I find out she is still having an affair, either an EA or a PE, then I will purse a separation or divorce. Further I said if something is still going on and you tell me right now about it that I would be more willing to work with her and talk through things. She continued to deny that there was anything at all going on and that she had cut all ties with him and was not seeing anyone else.
Anyhow, beyond that she has been more communicative with me and hasn't had any more late nights after yoga training or any other time. This past Saturday she actually came directly home. Sunday however, she did call to tell me she stopped at a Chipotle and had dinner with some of the gals from yoga. I do know she was there for a fact, but can't confirm or deny who she was with. She was there between an hour and an hour and a half. Nothing to stress about.
At home she has been MUCH more family oriented and has definitely been doing her part to assist with the kids and be more involved with them then she has over the prior 5-6 weeks.
Throughout the last few days, well really since Tuesday she has been REALLY chatty throughout the day sending endless videos and messages and being very kind.
I really can't tell if she is coming around a bit or just keeping me at bay. No relationship talks just light-hearted conversation. One of the things that attracted her to me was my joking personality and I feel like she is genuinely acting happier and laughing more often at my jokes.
So, in summary, I'm still in limbo, still not being trusting, still watching my back, still being a good dad and husband, etc. I told her yesterday I was going out for a bit. Just went for a drive in the country but she was definitely curious as to what I was up to and she sent me several messages...which I conveniently ignored. Trying to keep her guessing a bit.
BTW, I should note that if she was just sitting in her van texting or talking, that is actually pretty typical of her and is an escape for her. She has always done this even in good times. Not justifying just saying that is a definite possibility.
Having the window down in a busy parking lot also gave me some piece of mind that there probably wasn't any monkey business going on.
Still no answer from her on whether she wants to work on marriage and she still isn't very willing to discuss. I did give her an out during one conversation, the one after she had been on the other side of town. I told her that if there isn't any hope for us or she doesn't want me any longer, then maybe we should get on with things and start moving toward separation or divorce because I didn't want to live in limbo if she really wanted out. No begging, no pleading just stated matter-of-factly. She could only say that if there was no hope then she would have moved on already. She is holding on but maybe for only the wrong reasons - financially she can not support herself. Her parents are well off and they have a 4-5 extra bedrooms in their house but I don't know how accepting they would be of her moving back in. They know at least part of the story between us and also the OM. However, during that same conversation I also mentioned that I would be fair to her (financially) if she wanted out...not that I would have an option according to the court.
She still has not admitted to an EA/PA other than she confessing to hanging out with the OM that day I found her car at his house. That obviously can't be denied since I caught her there redhanded. Again she is sticking with the story of just going for a motorcycle ride with him to clear her head.
I am being driven somewhat by fear still. I'm really having trouble shaking that feeling. However I will say that I'm becoming more and more used to the idea that I very well may be on my own soon. I keep imagining myself being a bachelor and a single father. This has actually been very helpful to my mental state and helps me put fears aside as short lived as those thoughts may be.
I'll admit that I am in knowledge of where she is at a given moment. I'm not proud of this but I felt it a necessary step to know one way or the other if an affair is still ongoing. It's obviously not 100% if it's an ongoing EA, but does provide more concrete evidence of a PA. It was even suggested by my therapist (a former police officer) to consider hiring a PI.
My therapist could easily see how I was consumed with this need to know one way or the other. Meaning I NEED to know if something is still going on or not. She asked what I would do if I found out for sure there was still an EA/PA with the OM and I can confidently state that I will push for a separation at that point...which I believe I am ready for. Ultimately I think this would be a huge wake-up call for my wife and would push her back to me but I'm not also really concerned if it played out like that and would still be willing to live without her any longer. Conversely, if I find nothing going on between her and the OM, then I can take comfort and piece-of-mind that there is a better chance of reconciliation.
Again, I know my sitch hasn't been really going on that long at all, well at least not with there being AM in the picture if he still is. Only 2 months or so, but the way this has affected me and my children, is not something I plan on continuing. I'm generally a really laid back guy and I am tired of my wife taking advantage of that. I'm ready to either move forward or move on, with or without her. I do love her immensely and hope for the best but I will not continue to be a doormat or her plan B for long.
I am in much the same boat as you. Wayward wife, in some sort of affair, definitely emotional, POSSIBLY even probably physical (though can't definitively confirm beyond them having spent night together)... I have some ability to monitor her but am trying to not become obsessed with doing so. She gave me a "no contact" promise but has not yet provided me her email and social media passwords ("I don't even know what they are anymore, the apps just pop up on my phone"... "What can I possibly do wrong on facebook"... etc etc.). I probably made a mistake in not establishing transparency as a "boundary" when I did likewise for "no open marriage" and "no contact", but, either way, looks like we are facing a bit of the same sitch, there.
My take is not quite as urgent on this: Yes, it would be a nice sign if she would provide this (and I brought it up with mine last night, opened the door, and will bring it up again in a couple of days), but, at the end of the day, in this day and age there are about 10,000 different ways that a WW can contact her AP surreptitiously. (Create new email or other accounts, get a "straight talk" or other pay as you go phone using cash, even installing vonage on their phone so calls don't get registered with your provider. (And, if they're really slick, they can hide apps in the background so they are not easy to find in a cursory search.) If she's gonna cheat she's gonna cheat. My take has been to try to snoop/monitor in a measured way (although it is a bit easier with my W than perhaps with others because she is a truly inept liar and secret-keeper) while encouraging her towards more openness. I did get her to give up the "cheater phone" and she does leave her own phone lying around from time to time "unguarded". I told her last night when we were talking that she knows what I won't accept in our marriage (the boundaries), that I was thankful she had agreed to cut contact and do the transparency stuff she agreed to do, but that I thought the additional openness would be helpful to her and to us as we strive to rebuild trust. Remains to be seen if that resonates with her. But, honestly, and others may disagree here, the failure to turn over all passwords, etc., doesn't seem like that huge a deal. A true WW, IMO, might easily agree to do that and then just go out and get another phone and/or open up a bunch of new online accounts. I am going to push it a bit with mine but I did NOT establish that (passwords) as a "boundary." If she slips up, however, and has contact with the OM, any future attempts at reconcilliation (after I have done whatever I have to do to separate us) will darned sure include it.
My understanding is that with WWs who are just "giving up" an A and an OM will be in a surly sort of grieving process. I am only 9 days into this with mine, so I am sort of taking baby steps for a few more days, I think, until I see how it's going, and I did not establish full internet "transparency" (though I did insist the cheater phone go bye-bye) as a boundary. Now, if you did so, you may have to be more strident because once you establish a boundary you need to be firm in enforcing it or they all become somewhat meaningless.
Don't know how helpful any of this is, but thought I'd offer it up. My own sitch has some other weird/troubling overlays that complicate things, and i think I am in a somewhat tighter "spot" than you, but we shall see.
Remember that you can't control what she does, you can only control you. Don't obsess too much on the monitoring/snooping-- it can become consuming. Get out, GAL, be good to yourself.
Thoughts and prayers to you and yours.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
