WW, wlc, Waw or What?

[Btrow]

25, thank you, not only for the input to my thread which is a relatively quiet thread due to me not posting much, but for your general care for all posters here. Even if you are going through the same hopeless stuff we all are, you still have time and energy to offer support and advice to others. And have done it for like forever.

Although I don’t post much, I still learn from replies in others’ threads.

I can see why you'd want to believe this^^^ and why your w would not.

I have not heard of anyone hearing voices who did not have drugs in their system (obviously not your d) or a psychiatric disorder. My MIL had those symptoms and was periodically treated and hospitalized for it. It's treatable. I'm just saying not to assume it's all about the divorce. Hearing voices is not like having trouble sleeping.

Not to alarm you, just to say check it out fully and sooner rather than later.

Went to see a child psychologist two days ago and it went well. Nothing serious wrong with D10, but a diagnosis has to be made when going through that process. I don’t remember the exact term (also I’m not sure I’d be able to translate it into English anyway) but it was something in the line of “temporary situation-based disorder”. At the end of the meeting, the psychologist asked if we were ok with that, or if we wanted a follow-up meeting in a months’ time. I said I didn’t need a second session but XW (yes, now I’m about to enter the favorite hobby of lbs’ers, mind reading) hesitated when agreeing. I’m almost 100 % sure she was either about to say something like “I told you so” or “happy now, now YOU got D10 a diagnosis on her medical record”. Anyway, through the family counselor we are signing D10 up for some girls group where other girls of divorce hang out doing stuff together. Maybe it will do her good to tell her story to others, and hearing theirs.

Still no non-children based contact between me and XW at all. It’s kinda weird. They leave with a final salute of “hey lets be best friends forever”. She even told me back in December that we could have “family” dinners each fortnight when exchanging kids, and go clothes shopping for kids clothes together. She even told the family counselor just a month ago that she’d like to be my friend. But not one single time has she even asked me how I was doing, or told me I looked good (lost 70 something lbs over the last year, dress better, grown an awesome beard, sun tanning once or twice a month, I actually look the best I ever have since I was about 20), asked about my family or anything. Great friend material there.... Not that it bothers me, just a testament of what they have become..

First “personal” comment in 6 months actually came yesterday. D3 called (from mummy’s phone off course) to wish daddy a happy birthday. She was on speaker and at the end of the conversation, XW actually also said happy birthday. Little more mind reading here, but her voice is “unnatural” when speaking to me. Don’t know if she is afraid of my reaction to whatever she says or what the cause of it is… Nevermind. Mind reading gets me nowhere, I know.

I spent a whole lot of time wondering about MLC versus WAH (time I'll never get back) and realize now that since your course of action is the same, it's pointless to wonder.

I think Your real question is how much hope there is...

Labels aside, from what I can tell, your w is going to need the divorce and time "off" to reflect and face the damage, and feel both the ups and downs of her choices, to figure things out. Like a puzzle you cannot do for her.

My suggestion is to Release her to her "mission" and go on yours. I think part of her inner narrative is that she can come back to you "later" and pick up the pieces , along with "the kids are resilient."

Yep, the amount of time I’ve spent googling and reading message boards looking for answers I know I’ll never find, will never come back LOL. My wondering if I’m dealing with a walk-away or a wayward, is more or less me trying to figure out how much self-blame I should have here.

I guess a walk-away has somehow been neglected by the spouse for “ages” where a wayward is dealing with other issues that might not relate as much to the spouse, as to him/herself. I feel as if I’m unfairly punishing XW if she is indeed a walk away. Maybe I’ve just been majorly blind to her needs. I’m fairly sure I have not, but then again, aren’t everybody here?

Not that I directly punish her, but she knows that I will not be friends with her (I’ll soften up on that when OM is out of the picture, if ever – for my own dignity I HAVE to punish her for instantly dating the guy after D, whom I suspected her to have an affair with the last 6 months of M).

I have told her not to ask me to babysit for her or any other favors regarding the kids. For example, she believes we should share their clothes (which is soo much easier, I know) but I have told her that I’d prefer they have my own wardrobe of clothes for them here, and she can keep her own set there. Also I’m sure she’d like me to send her pictures of the kids so she can see what they are up to when they are with me (she sent me a picture of D3 some time ago) but I’m not doing it. No way. If she wants a life without her kids every other week, let her have it. Just stuff like that, no serious punishment, but I could be a bit easier to co-parent with, I know.

I do think you need to act mysterious with your w as much as you can, however. Not at the expense of the kids (they need you to be their rock), but otherwise.

Don’t worry about the kids, they couldn’t wish for a better daddy. Trust me on this one. If they somehow had to choose only to live with one of their parents full time, at least 2/3 would choose daddy.

I am following others advice on being slightly mysterious, don’t reply texts instantly, don’t answer the phone the first time she calls etc. Don’t share personal information whenever we meet regarding kids exchanges etc. Try to look “sharp”. Some of that mystery went down the drain some time ago, though. I met this woman in a bar (in a town 24 miles from here) and we made out (not sure I’m translating correct here, but you get my drift I’m sure). Met her again a couple of weeks later, same thing happened. She was sweet and nice to talk to and I told her my story (upon her request). She actually asked me if I was ready for a new relationship, which I told her I was not due to me not being over my XW. Realized later that night, that her best friend is a close co-worker of my XW… Annoying little world we live in…. So maybe XW now knows that I’m not over her…

not sure what you mean or are asking. Do the WAW's ever return to have decent m's again, with their former spouses OR the APs?

About 6-15% of marriages are between former spouses, btw. (Depending on who does the survey). They tend to fare better the 2nd time around and report more depth and contentment.

As for marriages that began as 2 extra marital affairs, they tend to have higher divorce rates...it's already 75% for 2nd marriages, and I think the ones that are based on affairs is just over 80%.

Is that what you are asking?

Yeah I know the percentages. They mean nothing to me. Has no influence on my future what so ever. But as mentioned above, I have spent way too much time googling the last couple of months. Also there is an 18 year age gap between XW and OM, and marriages with ages gaps of 20 years have a 97 % higher risk of ending in divorce (I assume that percentage roughly can be transferred to relationship break-ups as well).

In addition, even if I’m almost 100 % sure XW and OM had an 6 month EA before D, I’m not sure she sees it as an affair. So I’m not sure the extra martial affair statistics apply here.

I'm not sure she will ever come back, and even if she did, it wouldnt be easy. Cause I'd have to ask her to get a new job due to her hours not being very family friendly, and she loves that job more than me, so....

On a more positive note, I ran my first 8 km race two days ago, for 21 years. In a good time also. Imagine my surprise though, when I saw OM on the 4K start list…. Luckily, I didn’t see him there. I do all I can to avoid going to the center of town where chances of meeting him or XW are quite big.. (town is populated by less than 10.000) and the one time I go there, off course…. My boss however, asked me to point him out and he would punch him in the stomach, yeah I have a great boss LOL

Anyway, enough for now.