On Higher Ground

[Brubeck]

Hi HaWho,

I was thinking about how all our marriages die a different death. The live-in MLCer is a horrific, drawn out Alzheimer's death.

You got me thinking about this one, because my W is also a live-in MLCer. I don't how quickly the fog set in that sent your H into the MLC tunnel (my W took about 3 weeks). Maybe the "drawn out" death is the dying of the LBS' hopes. Dropping the rope takes longer than we'd care to admit, while they checked out fast & long ago.

Your sitch involves a spouse who says they're done with the M, but hasn't done anything significant to resemble moving on. Your H has gone through car repairs, the food paranoia, the survival tactics stuff and the constant depressing music. He hasn't done anything to actually build a new life for himself (even the new furniture in his dorm room doesn't count, that's just a cosmetic change of scenery). My W is the same. Most of the changes they make are really just distractions. It gets depressing to watch - even from a distance.

Anything resembling vitality in the H came up when he saw his "MLC bestie", thus indicating he wants to live a life with the Viagra loser where it's always 5 o'clock. Of course you're "shifting" - your H believes he can really transform himself into a Jimmy Buffett song.

Today while I was at work, he texted me to say the kids had practice (which I know) and was I coming home to make dinner??? (I make dinner every night.) Just weird.

I guess that's temperature checking. He feels your recent pulling away and he's telling you he's paying attention that you're still there. He wants you to be invisible until he becomes invisible to you, then he wants assurances that you're still there, holding the family fort together.

I'm just thinking about your sitch and rambling. The "slow death" comment has got me thinking about my own sitch as well.

I'm not telling you to give up. I'm just observing that right now you seem to be shifting from a phase of fascination with the train wreck (while finding humor in it), to realizing that this person in front of you is STUCK - and they can't see it.