Next phase: Divorce and Acceptance

[Pax_luv]

Hiya Pinn,
Thanks for sharing your experience from your class. Yep- definitely something to think about. Truthfully, Im not sure where my "not good enough" mindset comes from. It might have developed through my relationship with ex. I mentioned it in an earlier post where the mc was trying to engrain it in my head that I would never be good enough for ex. I don't remember what ideoosyncrisies I had before I got involved with ex. I mean, I met him when I was 21 so i probably didn't have a firm grasp on who I was at all.

Fast forward to today, and I don't know if it's residual PTSD, not recovered from the severe rejection or what. This is going to sound really conceited, but from the outside, I bet most people would have zero idea I felt this way. I'm a confident, independent woman, well spoken, educated, good job, totally solid with the exception of the ongoing d, involved in the community, former pro cheerleader. I strive to make myself and the people around me better. I lead with love and compassion. On paper, Ive got a lot going for me. Seriously though, I don't feel worthy when it comes to men. I'm working through all my internal gremlins and I hope there comes a day when I can say- Hey- this guy that I'm really into..... He's lucky to be with me (and I'm lucky to be with him).

I have to be honest here. I think my ex messed with my mind big time. Like hugely! The more removed I am from the sitch, the clearer I see it. The other day I was talking with the paralegal as she had to go through 90 pages of text messages between ex and I. She said to me, " oh my god.... He's so manipulative!!!" She was stunned. I was not expecting the reaction I got from her. I actually feel bad because ex is quickly getting the reputation of being an awful human being. He's not a good guy.

I don't think anyone realizes the prison I was in.... Hell, I didn't know the prison I was in and I was fighting with my life to stay in that. How messed up is that?! <= but this is the stuff i can't talk about in a public setting because it makes me look like the crazy, bitter ex. I wish people knew more of the backstory. Maybe it would help me process it more, too. I never did share too much because I was fighting for the m and I would never air our dirty laundry or show him in a bad light.

Anyway, another late night and I'm rambling along. Ugh- just so much work to be done with myself still. I've said it before, but man oh man is self help exhausting. I wish i could be ok with complacency....ha just kidding!