My wife and I have been separated for over 2 months now. She initially asked me to leave for a period of 2 weeks, which the next day she extended to a month, and set up marriage counseling for us with the goal of being saving our marriage. After 4 weeks of therapy she said she no longer saw a future for us, in the next session 2 weeks later she said she wanted steps to make our separation more permanent.
We have a 1 year old son.
She has been very clear in every way, but has not said the actual word divorce. The fact that she has not said divorce causes me great difficulty in accepting this.
Her issues with our marriage are my passiveness, convict avoidance, and lack of leadership. She feels that she has built the entire relationship and it is no irreparable. I have begun addressing these issue aggressively in therapy and owe a lot of help the the book ... She sees it as too little, too late. She had asked me to address these issues in therapy 6 months ago, which I attempted but was not focused enough or successful enough as I was also dealing with the stresses of a bad job, being a father, and sole provider of our family.
I do not want a divorce. I understand I can only affect change in myself, but I am looking for any advice I can find.
I have read The Divorce Remedy and have been following the 180 approach to my interactions with her but it seems to have no effect. I am considering that I need to do another 180 and be more open and honest, communicate more than I ever have before and hope beyond hope.
Please help.
Last edited by Cristy; 05/12/1712:02 PM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Focus all of your time, effort and energy into being the best jason35 and Dad that only a fool would leave. These changes need to be made for you and your precious child. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
My current approach to my wife isn't working. I feel like on some level what I need to do is stand up to her, call her bullshit, be fully honest and open and when I do she will regain her respect for me. This seems counterintuitive to the Divorce Remedy approach but it would be a true 180 for me. But it seems it could also end poorly.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I think I'm in the anger phase. I mostly angry that she has given up, wants to call it quits. We had a rough year with a newborn and I think we can turn it around but she doesn't see it and isn't willing to try and see it. I'm doing my best to show my changes and she only sees where I still haven't changed.
Thanks. I think I'm in the anger phase. I mostly angry that she has given up, wants to call it quits. We had a rough year with a newborn and I think we can turn it around but she doesn't see it and isn't willing to try and see it. I'm doing my best to show my changes and she only sees where I still haven't changed.
Any chance she is in post partom depression?
This will pass with time.
Oh and stop being angry - it is not your fault, other than the 50% of making a baby. Anger is not helping your sich.
She started being treated for post partum depression last September. And is currently taking Lexapro. She had a breakdown where she talked to me about some of the issues she felt I needed to work on for our relationship. I started going to therapy and working on issues related to my anxiety. Things were bad and then they were getting better slowly. Until they weren't. I switched jobs in Feb and missed several sessions as a result. She said this was the reason for the separation. That I didn't communicate this to her, that I wasn't working on the right things in therapy, that our relationship wasn't an equal partnership. She is a very type A assertive person and jumps to take the lead, which I'm ok with, and i always thought she was until all of the sudden she wants me to be a different person in many ways. And I cannot argue that the ways in which she thinks I could improve myself are valid, I also think she had unreasonable expectations for how fast one can make significant changes. It's all very frustrating.
She says I make her always feel like the bad guy and as a result she feels narcissistic and doesn't feel good about herself as if she is emotionally abusive in our relationship.
