On Higher Ground

[HaWho]

Thanks Bttrfly and Job.

Guests have gone and dust is settling. The last few days the guests were here were weird. On Saturday morning I woke up to make them breakfast and entertain them. They were early risers and big breakfast people.

Afterwards I was blow drying my hair when I hear h coming up. That in and of itself is noteworthy as who knew he even remembered there was a second floor. He was not around for breakfast and of course the guests were trying to figure this all out. H popped into the room and said he picked up x food and I should make it for them. I could care less. I told him we ate hours ago. I was very flat. He is days late and a dollar short. He said I should make it tomorrow AM. I tried to be cheerful but I feel over it all.

Then I noticed a text from him from hours earlier saying he was out on a walk and picking up food for breakfast. He said to text him if he was missing anything pertinent. Of course I never saw it as I was too busy cooking for the guests and entertaining.

The next morning (their last here), as I was making breakfast h asked if there was time for him to take a walk. I said do whatever you like and meant it. I could care less. Seeing him with his MLC bestie forced me to see something I just can't unsee.

He decided to stay and then as I was 99% done with the meal, h went to grab forks and knives but announced it: "OKAY! Forks and knives." I just ignored it. It was so obvious that he was reading my being over this all. The guests seemed confused, too. Then, h really showed how lost he is. This being their last day (they were leaving in hours) h asked: how did you sleep? How is your bed?

Umm, that is a question you ask their first morning not their last. And if their bed was awful, what can you do about it as they are leaving? Awkward all around.

I do feel after processing it all for a few days, that I have felt things shift in me. I have struggled with how do I move forward when he is still "here?" Answers came when I saw him chum around with his loser bestie and by seeing how self absorbed he was when the guests were here.

He is so not the person I agreed to marry. I was thinking about how all our marriages die a different death. The live-in MLCer is a horrific, drawn out Alzheimer's death. I suppose the vanisher who disappears is probably like a freak catastrophic accident?

Anyway, it became clear that I need to put more distance between me and him. I have felt a shift within me. Things became clearer. It's like when you go for an eye exam and the doctor switches between all those lenses. Is A better or is B better? I can some clarity in my sitch. I just see how I carve out more of a life for me.

Last night I made cookies. The kids and I were up in my room hanging out. H called up saying his stomach hurt and jokingly asked if I put cyanide in the cookies. I gave a pat answer but found I could care less. He's already accused me of murdering him and I know it was not my cookies that caused his stomach ache. I am so careful with all his allergies, I don't even think about it anymore. It's just the way I live. I paid him no attention.

Today while I was at work, he texted me to say the kids had practice (which I know) and was I coming home to make dinner??? (I make dinner every night.) Just weird.

Tonight H was talking to the kids about something for a while. I wasn't paying too much attention. H asked my opinion; a first in a long time. I answered but found myself thinking about how do I get myself out of this mess with the least amount of ripple effect on my kids? It feels like some kind of tricky medical procedure.

Since family left I have seen him doing various acts that I know I should validate. He has been announcing that he is doing them! Like he'll go to do something for the dog and say (very loudly): "OKAY, come here dog so I can do x for you." And then he does it right in front of me like it's a TV show I am watching. But I just don't validate. I see the guy chumming with his MLC bestie and remember the replay and I am just over this nonsense.

I want to be living in the real world not on fantasy island.