180man Thread 4

[Jim1234]

Just know that you are not the only one who feels that way. I would say 99% of us go through the same thing, and hate it just as much.

[180Man]

Wife emailed me just now after nearly four weeks of NC:

180,

I know this entire process has been horribly difficult and I'm sorry
things have gone this way, but - as I said - I do think this is for
the best. I spent a lot of time thinking about what you told me last
time we met and I really think we're better off going forward with the
divorce. I know that this is hard to hear and - again - I'm sorry.

We need to decide what to do with the house and any assets we'll need
to divide between us. The paperwork below seems just to be a
preliminary declaration of what we jointly own - not a decision of who
gets what in the end. I'm forwarding you the blank forms at my
attorney's request below. (Please understand that I don't have an
attorney to try to "get the most out of you," but just because I'm
literally away almost every week until we deploy and needed help
with the paperwork.)

I'd like to know what you want to do with the house. As I mentioned
before, I'm going to stop contributing to the mortgage payment after
the payment on 01July - that will be 8 months of me paying for a
mortgage at a home where I don't live, which I think is more than
fair. At that point, I'll be deployed and shouldn't have to continue
contributing to a house where I'm not residing anymore.

As for my phone and my car stuff - I'm willing to pay for all of that.
Please just let me know. I haven't been able to get into our Verizon
account to pay off my phone or shut down the account, but will pay you
whatever amount you think is fair since I've stopped using it. Thank
you for taking care of my car registration, too. I really appreciate
it. As I said in person, however, I'm willing to pay for the cost of
the registration, as well.

If we still owe anything to the gardner for the lawn for the past 8 months
- let me know and I'll pay my half. I want the 8-month period to be an
even split, since I'm making July the deadline for me to stop
contributing.

I really, really hope you're doing well. You deserve to be happy and I
hope you are seeking that happiness right now. I'm just staying busy
with work and with getting ready to deploy - which, as you know, is a
full-time job.

Thank you for everthing - really. You've been a great partner all
these years and I wish nothing but the best for you.

-W

Giving her space and no-contact is NOT working. I know her, she is just going to keep pushing down this path. I can't do this anymore.

Meanwhile she has a new cell phone she hasn't told me about and doesn't know I know she continued texting the OM after asking for a divorce. This is also the first I've heard about July being some sort of deadline.

I was doing okay. Now I want to find a pistol.

[180Man]

And before you get upset, no, I am not suicidal. I just feel like complete shít.

[Thornton]

Ok slooooooow down 180.

Let me tell you a story.

The 1st time my W left me, she moved in with her mother. She told me it was over, that she no longer loved me and there was no chance she would change her mind.

We had a pet chihuaha that she left with me. This dog did not get along with ANY other animals. We knew we could never get another dog as long as we had this chihuaha.

Obviously, I was devestated. But I went complete and total NC.

About a month later, my mom tells me that W was posting pics of a new dog on Facebook. At this point I was NC but holding onto hope that she would come back one day. It turns out, the new dog was W's. She had gotten a new puppy.

The fact that she had bought a new puppy meant that she could never bring that puppy to our house because we had the chihuaha. I was absolutely convinced this was the final nail in the coffin. CONVINCED.

Through my pain, I stayed complete and total NC. Another month passed and I started getting texts from W that she missed our old church and things like that. I hadn't spoken to her in 2 months or even taken a peek at her Facebook.

Long story short, although I "Knew" things were over, I was wrong. She came back and explained how much she had missed me etc.

So remember, even when you are certain things are over, they aren't. Because you are still in the fight.

I know the despair you feel, it's the end of the world. But in reality, you have an opportunity here, 180. And so do I. We can become better men. And we can do it while our W's aren't around. They'd just be distractions anyway.

Keep giving her space, your story isn't over yet.

[180Man]

Thornton,

Thanks for the story. I have been trying to become a better man. Very much so. And I realize that if she were to come back tomorrow, that would impede my progress. I'm not asking her to come back before she deploys. I figure the deployment will be good for us.

But I have zero shreds of hope. Zero. You read her letter, she has been consistent with this message for months. She is not turning back. This is the second time I've heard her say "I thought about what you said...but...it's over."

What opportunity do I have? There is none.

Detach? GAL? Yeah, okay. That is impossible advice. I've been working on GAL like crazy...but I feel like complete trash when I get one email from her? This is what my M has become, one email a month after I forgave her for what happened?

[OwnIt]

180, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have been doing such a great job at everything. I hope that it will eventually pay dividends for you.

[Thornton]

Ok, let me tell you another story, 180. lol

Before I met my current W, I was married for 5 years to another woman.

I went through the same bomb drop with her and I was devestated. She left me and moved into a new house. What I didnt know at the time is she bought the damn house and left me to drown in the house she had with me. It was awful as I ended up short selling it.

Again, another case where she was finished. She bought a freakin' house an hour away. That should have been the final nail in the coffin, right?

I went NC and even started dating another woman (I do not recommend this as I had not healed from my marriage falling apart).

6 months later she is texting me, calling me, emailing me and threatining suicide if I didn't take her back. She is losing her mind!

6 months prior, I was the one wanting to die and chasing her all over the place.

By the time W started come back around, it was too late. I was smitten with another girl.

Point is, even when the WAS does things that make it seem impossible to come back from, NOTHING is set in stone.

The only constant in life is change. Nothing is ever set in stone.

[180Man]

OwnIt, thank you for the kind words. I felt like I had been doing okay...but today it feels like I just don't have it in me to survive this. I was making some good progress on a project at work before this email came in...I tried to keep working on it and I ended up leaving early.

Thornton...next time tell that story first. That one helped. Not that the other one didn't, it did, but I think I was too distraught a couple hours ago to process it well. I'm still upset, I still don't know what to do. I'm the only one that can help me be happy...and that's depressing as hell. Why is it that the woman I love and cherish has just given up? My friend tells me I'm an idiot if I think the A is over. I honestly don't know either way. She's an idiot if it's still going on! But if it is going on it, oddly, makes me feel better about the email she sent me. She's clearly not making good decisions because she's "in love." And if it's not going on...then...she must really hate me...or feel we could never fix things...or feel she could never face me every day without feeling guilty...or doesn't want to do the work...or a thousand other reasons that make me feel terrible.

[LITB]

180,

It is perfectly normal to feel the way that you did after receiving that email. Like a punch to the gut. It is something that I have experienced myself.

Is there hope for your M? Only time will tell, because nobody knows for sure. Personally, I used emails/convos like the one you received as motivation. Perhaps it wasn't healthy, but one of my goals was to improve so much, that my W would regret her decision. Eventually that wore off, but it served its purpose.

This email doesn't define you or what you need to do to overcome this. Your journey is independent of your W's journey. The future is unknown, so keep doing what is within your control. You be the author of your book buddy. I believe that you will choose to make it good.

Remember, slow is fast and fast is slow?

[180Man]

Hey LITB, thanks for the supportive response. I think there are two possible realities occurring with my W right now. The first, and most likely, is that the A continues. The second, which is still very possible, is that she's just done and running away.

Either way, I guess my path is the same, yes?

1.) Keep working on me
2.) Don't respond to her email
3.) Let the lawyers sort out the assets but instruct my lawyer to be cordial and kind
4.) Consider reaching out to her a few months from now once she's on deployment (recommended by my DB coach and 25...though I will certainly bring this up here again before doing anything)
5.) See what happens...

Right? In the mean time, I guess maybe it's time to finally take my ring off. She's extremely clear about what she wants right now.