Flotsam

[job]

I've been reading and following along on the conversation about the NPD and personality issues. Just as we put a label for odd behavior and the irrational behavior here as MLC, let's be careful in attempting to diagnosis personality disorders of our wayward spouses.

You may already be aware that as children and young adults, they do exhibit some of the selfish, self-absorbed behavior, as well as wanting everything to be about them while singing the song entitled "Me, Me, Me". They become infatuated w/someone and they pull out every little trick to get that person's attention, etc. and once the euphoria has worn off or that person can't serve their needs, they tend to break it off. As well as fighting and getting back together w/some people. Children tend not to like to share their toys w/others and do not like it when others get more attention than they do. They can become a bit mean to others when they see that the attention is being put elsewhere and not on them. In many cases, the behaviors that carry thru life as "learned" behaviors, i.e., just as Passive Aggressive behavior is a "learned" behavior. To them at a young age, it is for survival.

At midlife, those that can't cope and haven't learned to navigate the stressors of life during their quarter lifes' crises, they can and most of them will exhibit various symptoms of some personality disorders. The real question is this...think back... did your spouse always have these symptoms and you just overlooked them or did they come out to play during his crisis? If you say that they are more pronounced or came out to play during the crisis, then I would venture to say he/she may not have the true blue NPD or Borderline. Only a trained professional can tell you this.

Try to remember that your spouse has gone back to a time when he/she was emotionally stunted, most likely as a child or young adult. He/she has to figure out to face those issues and begin to navigate the process of growing up. Many of the behaviors and comments you hear are from his/her past. They really are trying to find themselves, the inner child is busting out and needs to grow up. So, yes, we do see a lot of personality issues and it's human nature to try to pinpoint which behaviors they are exhibiting.

BTW, it's only natural that you are searching for answers for their behavior. I did it too a long time ago. I read every book and article that I could find and at the end of the day, I realized that my xh had to figure things out for himself and that I would never find all of the pieces of the puzzle to figure him or his childhood out. I came to realize that I only had one life and I was going to live it to the fullest. If he ever work up, I would then cross that bridge...but he's still out there searching for that illusive happiness, while I am putting my focus on me and my life.

You and only you, can decide when you've had enough. There is no guarantee that if and when your spouse wakes up that he/she will be the same. Some will wake up and bring along some of the behaviors that they had during the crisis and others will be completely different and, there are those that never wake up and remain lost people. Both you and your spouse will have changed because of the experiences that you've had along the way...but we can't predict the future and again, you are the only one that can determine how long you wish to keep the door open and the candle burning in the window.

There are some books on the Recommended Reading Materials thread that may be of interest to you. Here's the link go the Recommended Reading Material:

Recommended Reading Material