Thanks for the feedback, I've been reading and really taking in what everyone has to say.
First, this isn't my first rodeo. This is not a rebound. I've been at this dating stuff for 9 years. I've never gotten pat 6 months, but I've dated, I've recognized who is right for me and who is not, I've had my friends with benefits which I cut off when it made me feel worse than good. I didn't go for that plumber who was interested in me, but I wasn't interested in him. I am the one who let go of exNG because he couldn't give me what I wanted. And yes, I looked far into the future with him, which was dumb. I spun for a while on that one because of how he began dating someone in the process of our breakup. It was very PTSD like to me. I took a good amount of time alone getting over him because I never have rebound relationships. I am not the type who goes from one to the other. It is not built in me. FF came when I was ready. I was truly ready. I was so trying to GAL to just deal with the fact I was indeed lonely. I didn't GAL because I was looking to meet someone. I needed to take up my time and the gym I joined was a great way. I was doing great, and into the second challenge walks in my instructors baby bro the girls all were like "yes, fresh meat!" (the girls in my class were mostly single in their early 30's. I was friends with them" I had said to myself "he's cute, but WAY too young". He pursued me. It was the last thought on my mind. We had the most wonderful magnificent first date. Yes, it lasted to the wee hours of the morning with talking. Continued on later that day. All his pursuit. four days into dating it was valentines day. he brought me flower, a bottle of red wine and a teddy bear that sings and says words like "you're mine" on the fan. he sent me a text that day asking if I would be his valentine and how happy he was that he met me and is living every second of getting to know me. Maybe I should have run then? I dunno. But it was felt really good especially after getting nothing for so long. Everything did bloom from there. We enjoyed every moment together. We enjoyed a vacation together a little over a month in. Just me and him for a week. Not one single issues. Just fun and laughs and connection and the best time ever. Things continued to go well. We were there for eachother, helped eachother out with things, learned a lot about eachother. We were dating. We were loving dating. We did many fun things together. It felt great to be truly courted. I did meet his best friend who loved me and thought we meshed well together. I didn't rush horribly. I finally dated someone. It felt good. I was doing things just about "right" Maybe the only "right" was not kicking him to the curb when he came on strong? Or letting him be involved with my D early (again, a matter of circumstance because for 5 weeks of dating she saw him every night at the gym, we were a small tight knit group and she exercised with us, she was our little mascot" I would essentially have to lie to her face every night and the kid is intuitive as heck, she was the one who guessed it.
I do disagree, jumping all in with my heart is a virtue, it's not neediness. It's a virtue I wish I didn't have, but one that is the make up of me. Discussed with my IC also heavily. She thinks what I have is a rarity and can be either insanely rewarding, or insanely painful, and unfortunately, it's insanely painful when it ends.
As far as the sex? No, I don't get attached at sex. The plumber..... I never told anyone here but I slept with him on the second date. It was sex, nothing more. There was no attachment after because I didn't feel that way about him. Sex did not make it any harder to end it with him. It does turn out I only really enjoy it when there is an emotional connection.
I do believe there is a lesson to take away from every relationship. This is maybe be very weary of someone who seems all in and gung-ho from the beginning. But I don't think I did anything wrong. That is a change for me. I don't think it was me. I don't have that foolish notion that if you care about someone enough everything will workout. he needs what he needs. I also learned to make sure the situation really is right. That there aren't unbeatable obstacles to overcome. I don't think it is unhealthy to look to the future. Why wouldn't someone? I stayed present, but of course I looked to the future, because of our fundamental differences, and you need to figure out if they can be overcome. I truly did live in the moment with him and I enjoyed the whole dating process.
With all that long windedness.....
He was posting he was "interested: in these events we had talking about attending. I kind of lost and just went off facebook all together. I found myself constantly on Fb looking for some signs, wondering if he was looking at me..... which I am sure he was, but I don't want to see in his life right now, and I don't want him to see into mine. I am not in a place to handle it. Unfriending him still leaves a bunch of mutual friends, and I don't want it. So I am taking a short hiatus while I get my head straight.
In the meantime, it's friends, school, gym, taking care of my home, reading, and whatever else keeps my mind off of him and keeps me busy and off social media. Work is difficult because my job is boring and my mind keeps wandering.
I think the crying for the most part stopped. There is just an empty feeling in my chest. I am depressed.
