Here I go again on my own...

[25yearsmlc]

Ginger,


Not to nag, but if you have not watched "Under the Tuscan Sun", please do. Or see it again.

No, NOT the cliched "messages" -though I love the scenery & film for all of it.

There are some gems of wisdom in that film.

The R she had with the hot guy from Portofino Italy, Marcello, is the one who helped her get "back on the saddle" (I don't know another way to say that..."get over the hump"??)
Remember how she said she was delighted she "still got it!"

Her r with Marcello was not a long r, but it was intense. In the film it seemed to break her heart to have it end.

(*She had already had her heart broken when her long m ended in divorce, which is what led her to Italy in the first place.)

I thought Marcello's comments about the R ending were spot on, and in retrospect very honest.

The end of that r and how HE saw it, eventually sank in to me and maybe to her, I think. And the whole experience helped her get perspective and prepared for the real thing when it came along.

FF might be the Marcello of your life. Ginger, You CAN feel passionate LOVE again!! And your D can bond with a man who is not your exh.

Yay!! Isn't that a net gain? Stepping back, can you see this as a good experience at all?

IF you knew 4 months ago what you know now, would you refuse to date him?

Secondly, What would you do differently if you met him 4 months ago AND dated?


He's young and he is in major transition, and the r has run its' course. H planned poorly, as far as not wanting a family yet, and then dating a single mom.

Still, I don't see it as a failure unless you think you went too fast, which is a learning point for you. (You know, you can change how you engage in a R, you don't have to say "it's just how I am" if you don't want to.)

Here's a relevant question -

My T has hammered it into me that I "cannot marry the first guy I date, even if I think he's perfect".!!

Okay...she really stressed this^^ a lot to me, so, I get it.

Since I didn't plan on dating soon when she said this, I have to assume it's a pattern for people who leave long term m's, to remarry too fast. It's reactive dating. NOT dating is also reactive, imo.

Does that mean the first 3 (?) guys I date, are a waste? Should I tell them?

Should I say, "thanks in advance for getting me closer to the REAL man I'll end up with, but it can't be you..."??

Sometimes I imagine wearing a sandwich board saying "available for dating as precursor to finding the right one - and it's not you..."



In other words, I have to see these as learning experiences, even the crappy ordeal I'm in now. Otherwise I'll make no progress. I won't learn about what I need from a man who is healthy and well suited for ME. Heck, I won't learn about myself!

Much as I wish we could "learn hard life lessons" from things like winning the lottery

it seems like pain is the touchstone for transformative change in our lives. Or not...

To me, these experiences of yours are not failures. Unless YOU lie, cheat, carelessly hurt another OR fail yourself in some way - then these are gems and memories that might be bittersweet, but nonetheless sweet..in time

I'm rambling but does any of this ^ Make sense?