You guys aren't going to beleive this 4

[25yearsmlc]

If she did turn back and wanted to reconcile, what would be your non-negotiables?

Ie: how would you ensure you're not setting yourself up for another loop? Would your heart melt if there was a coffee shop re-run?

There needs to be some change in one of you for this to have a chance of working out IMHO...

THIS ^^^^^^^
so much of this sounds really familiar to your earlier posts and it's same old, same old.

If I had my recon to do over again, I'd make sure we both got IC, not just MC.

Plus I only saw what validated my choice to stay, so I overlooked a ton of crap that my kids now bring up as being lousy for them to see. A lot of that is on me, to a large extent.

Second, I'd have gotten some barometers to keep us on track or at least know when we were off track and how to get back on...

This ^^ takes time. I gave it my time, and we had 2 years apart. During that time, I used it for my own IC, but without h's involvement, I was flying blind to an extent.

Still, I was able to detach and that saved my sanity and helped me be present for my d's at home. I would like to hear much more about your d's, btw.

I don't see the^^ inner work happening with you guys. I'm so Sorry to say this but - I see you as simply running after your w, & tactically changing, and maybe reacting differently to her.

I thought calling your nods, "validating," for her was curious, btw. I mean, it sure beats over reacting I guess.

Maybe there's something healthier in between over reacting versus nodding...which you need an IC to help you with. How do you resolve conflicts with your d's?

But it seems as if it's always with a recon as the goal, not your own work for you or your d's.

I worry that your work is solely/mostly aimed at getting her back. Thus I'm not sure how it's helping you get stronger or to detach...or how real these changes are. I think if you two reconciled tomorrow, you'd be back here within a year. (I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, Thornton. Truly)

I'm concerned you are setting yourself up for either being pushed off her roller coaster

or getting back on.
- Your w cannot possibly be ready for a healthy m - with this many loops -and no plan to change.

Thornton I'm not sure you are ready either. The "concern she is having a breakdown" really hit me. You are looking at her text as very significant, never mind the behaviors that vary, and then inserting yourself as a possible asset or cure.

Thornton, I really support your efforts and goals. I hope you know that.

What can you do to become stronger and more detached?

Without true detachment, you are volunteering to be on her roller coaster and there are no brakes within reach.