NYGal: Together and Doing the Work

[25yearsmlc]

Stormchaser

I love hearing this!! There are few DBers who reconcile AND then post here. It's so helpful. If and when you can, just a post letting the newbies and in Piecing, - that it can improve, will help.

Storm, I'm not familiar with your story. I apologize for giving out a piece of advice that may not apply to you specifically. So please take this with the spirit in which it's written.

If I could go back in time to my own recon, here's what I'd do differently ---once the recon had begun...


First, i'd insist we both get IC. We went a few times to the same MC we had seen during the M. And I would see a T on my own. H was "too busy with work" and besides, he was home.

We never really got to the bottom of how h could feel okay about his choices for long time away from our kids and me, or what the underlying issues were in him to steer him in such a destructive way. Looking back-maybe I didn't want to see how he saw me or our family, or whatever existed/exists within h.

I'm not saying all ^^that could have been fixed. But 10 years ago, who knows? I'd have known it was over a lot earlier. Or we'd really get to the bottom of what was eating away at him and I'd have had sufficient information to make my own choice. Maybe We could have made changes or different choices.

Early in our recon, h's mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. So we shelved a lot of piecing. We did attend Retrovaille (I still think it's an excellent program) and h made progress in a short intense weekend. Naively, I felt as if we were "cured" b/c I saw sincere remorse in h...

But we didn't follow up with Retrovaille's subsequent sessions, ("it's too far, needed a sitter, logistical issues" and blah blah blah. I'm shaking my head at that decision).

I was naive enough to think we were all "past it" b/c I saw real regret in h and h was not in Alaska. Then we went into crisis mode for his mom.

Other issues existed, but are beyond the scope of my main point.

**The other thing I'd do differently is get specifics about HOW we'd regain what we once had & how to know when we were on/off track. Other than overt fighting, there were no "signs" for us. We didn't really identify what the underlying "same old" stuff was!

We needed some type of barometer to better guide us for how our r was doing.

In short, IC for each of us as individuals, (esp the WAS) and agreed upon measurement "tools" for our m.

That's^^ what I'd do differently if I had it all to do over again in my situation.

I do not know if it would have changed the outcome, but I know I lacked enough info to make an informed decision, and ended up making a poor choice somewhere along the way.

(((Storm, bravo.)))