You W sound like me, she convinced herself that she was doing no wrong and we were having a amicable split, instead of her running off with OM.
In Hoos' case, the marriage was deeply troubled and by his own admission, his wife's essential needs were unmet, for years... Hoos, she's not saying she wants to "run off with OM" from what I'm reading.
Did I miss something?
It's also like they can't match their behaviour with their own moral or values so have to write a story in their mind to make them feel better about what they are doing.
Every one of us, LBSers included - has a narrative. Even in solid marriages, views differ. And in retrospect we find our own views change too...
We have to keep the focus on ourselves, our roles & our mistakes, and
NOT what we think they think... Besides, the spouse who leaves justifies their choices, AND THE spouse who stays, justifies their choices.
Doesn't make the choice right, but it is fruitless & time consuming to expect our views to change theirs. Equally fruitless and time consuming to fume and judge what we think they think...believe me, I've wasted way more of my life on these pointless activities than I care to admit.
We do what we do and tell ourselves we have a "good reason" for it. Human nature.
Have strong firm boundaries, don't agree to tell the story her way. She need to see the consequences of her actions, she is in a dream world at the moment, where she can leave you to be with OM and she has done nothing wrong. Hoos cannot change what she believes about her actions,
all he can do is become the best Hoos he can become, and hope the changes he makes in himself are of value to him, and someday perhaps noticed by his w.
As for having "firm boundaries" - I often wonder what that means, exactly. How is he to enforce them? As for his w "needs to see the consequences"...maybe I'm not reading that comment correctly.
But the words of my DB coach - a real Godsend if I ever had one - ring truer now, more than ever -
"It's Not our job to teach our spouse a 'lesson' or show them the consequences of their actions. Life does that for them."
This^^ keeps us from playing God or punishing,
*it keeps our energy & focus on ourselves and the work we have in our own moral and emotional sandbox, * and for those who want to save their m's, it avoids putting obstacles in the way of reconciliation.
No walkway or wayward spouse has ever returned to their marriage or "fell back in love", b/c of shaming or punishing from the LBS.
That ^^ point is often lost here, in the midst of our pain/anger from betrayal...we are so hurt and so angry, we want to lash out. We want to blame and hide...
In my opinion, when someone is here trying to save their marriage AND they want to change/improve themselves...that ought to be the focus...
(and IF the "piecing" stage comes along, a whole lot of other issues can be addressed then...) Boundaries are for protecting Hoos, not stifling his wife. There's a difference.
Hoos, you have been brave and honest about doing your own work in your own sandbox.
I applaud you for that. You are a strong man with a humble heart, a level head on your shoulders, and a deep fatherly love for your children. That is what it takes to do this.
The reason I know in my heart of hearts that you are going to be more than alright, eventually, is b/c of the harshly rewarding journey you are making inward.
Bravo
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
