It wasn't so much about what I would get in return. I thought she was testing me to see whether I was a desperate pushover -- was I respectable or not. My wife isn't a taker at all. But often these days I'm not dealing with my wife. I'm dealing with a stranger that can be cruel.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
It wasn't so much about what I would get in return. I thought she was testing me to see whether I was a desperate pushover -- was I respectable or not. My wife isn't a taker at all. But often these days I'm not dealing with my wife. I'm dealing with a stranger that can be cruel.
But you don't think buying her time and her being nice to you with pillows doesn't look desperate?
....and you didn't buy the paint by number book for HER. You bought if for your nephew. Her heart does not seem like a taking one. It seems like a giving one......
^^^this...
Take in what we are seeing and telling you, please.
You say often that you "wish you knew" better, but when we say "watch out for your old ways" you act as if you are being attacked, and you shut down. IMO that has to change b/c my guess is, that it plays out in the marriage as "when Wsh does not get his way, he punishes/withholds. "
Saying you'd buy her something IF SHE...is clearly manipulative. I want to support you but this is so clear to me I'm not sure how else to say it.
I'm also not clear from your earlier posts where you were being taken advantage of by your wife.
Did she pile on a lot of debt behind your back, or did an ex girlfriend do this to you? Or your parents to you or each other?
How or why is being "taken advantage of" such a huge fear in you? How big a fear is it, compared to losing your w forever??
Look , Wish, you are being given a HUGE opportunity most LBSers never get...(truly!)
Use it wisely and lovingly, to show you are a better/different h.
From where I sit, I'd worry a lot LESS about being taken advantage of
and focus a whole lot more on showing true change in yourself.
Otherwise she can check off the list -
"I tried again, b/c Wsh said he changed and my needs were a priority - (but his fears of 'being taken advantage of' ruled, again, & Wish was the same old..."
I just think she wants to be loved fully. She wants to trust that you will fully love her and not attach conditions to it.
So, what do you want to do?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
. She asked whether I would buy her some fairly expensive pillows (probably just seeing what I would say). I said, "I will if you continue hanging out with me for several days and continue being nice."
You said you wanted to make sure you didn't seem desperate. Pillows in exchange for hanging out with you and being nice doesn't appear desperate to you?
But you don't think buying her time and her being nice to you with pillows doesn't look desperate?
I don't understand.
the bribe looks desperate, not being loving or generous.
The bribe and threat to withhold are what look manipulative and desperate and FEAR based.
I fear looking desperate
I fear being taken advantage of
I fear being alone & lonely
I love my wife. I want to show her more that I love her.
I fear losing her again.
She expresses love, needs and wants, to me, AND
-- I choose not to give them UNLESS she rewards me. I do this out of fear. This^^ is how I see your internal thought process.
Wish, help me understand where we are missing the truth, or help yourself see it.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/10/1702:32 PM. Reason: Combine posts
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
....and you didn't buy the paint by number book for HER. You bought if for your nephew. Her heart does not seem like a taking one. It seems like a giving one......
[color:#3333FF] How big a fear is it, compared to losing your w forever??
From where I sit, I'd worry a lot LESS about being taken advantage of
and focus a whole lot more on showing true change in yourself.
I know your thread is about to lock and I hope that you start a new one.
I did want to add to what I think 25 is trying to express.
In your shoes, I imagine I would not have bought the pillows for her. In fact, Im fine with your decision not to. Its not that action that we are harping on. I dont want you to take from this that you should do everything your W asks or give her everything that she wants. I dont think laying down and catering to her every whim will get her back.
What we are focusing on is the words you said as the reason WHY you werent buying them. 25 and Ginger have probably said the reasons why thats a problem much better than I could. Please read their posts with a mindset that isnt focused on the pillows themselves.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/10/1708:28 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
we all want to avoid pain and loss. We all do, although there's no such thing as life without pain or life without loss.
Maybe you are trying to avoid vulnerability in the m, but it's impossible if you want to love and live fully. Like wanting to learn to fly a plane or drive a car but not wanting to ever crash...
You can't fly or drive without risk.
Brene Brown has written about shame and vulnerability and what she calls "wholehearted lives" and love. Learning to embrace our vulnerability and moving forward anyhow...
Check out her podcast or books, b/c they are enlightening & moving.
Her books are based on empirical data, not just how she feels/thinks.
You may get a whole lot of her work
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
