As a few more days have passed, I want to ask if all this really was what it was or what you wanted it to be? By that I mean was this new R actually all of these perfect things or merely what you wanted them to be or hoped for? Perhaps no one knows. Others have already speculated that the reasons he gave may not be all of or even any of the actual reasons. There could be more or the actual reasons could be all different.
It almost appears as you see and feel the love of your life from a multi year R has left. Most of us see a short, budding R of a few months that just ran its course. You are there and we are not. Neither is right or wrong. I just see it this way - especially with the best friends comment. Are best friends made in three months? For sure it may FEEL that way, but is it really? When I think of my best friends, none hit that status in the first three months. Most I've known "forever". Some are not even in my life that much anymore but were best friends for a long period. One from about age 10 through about 25. Another from about 23 through 45. Yet another from about 25 to 45 and now somewhat building back again. Others more current. I'll bet your true best friends have been there for a long time - right? Might you and FF gone on to be best friends? Certainly. That's part of the process but is it even heathy to name a best friend so soon? People reveal themselves over time. It's that time that fosters the friendship. Just like now with a best friend talking you off the ledge from contacting him. Think of the time you did this or that, got in trouble together, cried together, went through an illness or a death or a vacation. That's the things best friends are made of. It takes time.
I have to think or perhaps just ask, are you grieving what was or what you hoped would be? I think it's the later. I think you are sad over the chance of getting what you want has left, at least with this guy. He may or may not have been what you were hoping for. In time I'm betting you will see you were not missing him, but what you hoped he and the R would be.
Not talking all about you now, but, I think this is how many people make mistakes. It's how the "he totally changed and became a different person" comes about. We've all heard and read those stories on how a guy just totally changed. Sure sometimes he does. More times he's always been the way he is, we just failed to see it through our rose colored glasses. Another poster here is seeing that after someone she thought was really great was found to be a serial cheater. The signs were just missed. That's why it takes time to really see who a true person is. They have to earn our love. No doubt we'll have better feelings about the future with some. I soooooo get that as you and I both connect with a small amount of people but when we do, it's a huge connection. I've had that where from the first day, it feels like we've known each other forever.
Okay now I'm just rambling. Keep posting! Keep allowing your friends to help. DO NOT contact FF!!!!!! Take all the time you need to work through this. And then take some time to learn from it and take steps to figure out how to change it in the future. You are still a totally awesome person G! In time you really will find your true match. FF just was not it.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
You put your heart out there. It will take some time, but eventually this will pass. And you will be happy again. I am glad that you have good support and realize that it is not about you. Only circumstances.
You say it takes you a long time to get over someone. But Ginger, We cant possibly know another person in a few months. We are mostly seeing the best of them. The illusions. Not who they really are. You did not know him, and he did not know you. Its not possible regardless of all the time spent together.
Is it really him that you are getting over or the way he made you feel during those 3 months? (loved, cherished, taken care of, flattered)
I suspect its the later, which is dangerous and makes you susceptible to all sorts of relationship red flags. Not necessarily from him ( I suspect he was just a romantic that was a bit immature and lacking foresight), but from predators that know how to target and create fantasies.
And if it is in fact, needing or wanting someone else to make you feel that way... what is that saying?
Lots to explore and learn about. But that's what life's experiences are for I guess.
I didn't say he was my best friend, I said we were close friends. My best friends are those of 20+ years (dayum, I'm old.
We were forming a partnership which was really nice.
What am I getting over? It's not the possible future. he was the one I was enjoying in the moment. I was enjoying the companionship, the partnership, thinking of each other, sharing each others likes and dislikes, talking for hours while cuddling, making dinner together..... life stuff. having experiences together. Building on an emotional intimacy. it certainly did not reach it's full potential. it is not possible in 3 months, I am sure. But it was a process I was basking in. Now it's gone.
That's what I am going to miss. That's what I am withdrawing from. The present. Not the future. I let myself stay in the present with him and I rather enjoyed it.
I'm sure I did not REALLY know him yet. But I was loving the process of getting to know each other.
That's the loss I am feeling. It's simply a loss that I need to get over.
I didn't think or say you said he was your best friend. It was this comment I was referring to:
"He's got one best friend and a cousin as a friend and he is close with his parents, but other than that, I was his closest friend."
I guess I substituted closest for best but it is about the same. Anyhow it was the fact that you should not yet be his closest friend at this point - and if you really were, what does that say?
The rest makes a lot of sense. However, you did seem to be looking ahead or at least jumping ahead a lot - like when he spoke of buying a house and it bothered you (at about two months) that he didn't mention or include the potential of moving in together as part of it. That's not living in the here and now.
Still I totally get it! I wonder for myself if im better off where I am rather than getting a taste of having a partner only for it to be taken away again. I can imagine the pain and what you are now gong through and it scares the crap out of me. It's partly why I admire you and your ability to go so all in. I wish I could do that a bit more. Scheeeesch and some think I'm too desperate to have an R? The exact opposite may be true. I need to change that and be a little more like you!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Still I totally get it! I wonder for myself if im better off where I am rather than getting a taste of having a partner only for it to be taken away again. I can imagine the pain and what you are now gong through and it scares the crap out of me. It's partly why I admire you and your ability to go so all in. I wish I could do that a bit more. Scheeeesch and some think I'm too desperate to have an R? The exact opposite may be true. I need to change that and be a little more like you!
Thanks for the admiration. But trust me, you don't want to be like me. To have the taste of a partner when you have been alone almost all of your adult life raising your kid on your own and having it taken away from you is goddawful. Especially when you really just meshed well with that partner. Don't be more like me.
It is natural to look to the future when you are with someone. But I was enjoying the building and present more than looking to the future. And that obviously needed to be done, according to why he left.
Thanks for all the support. I am in the acceptance phase. it is what it is now matter why or how and it can't be changed. So, forward I go.
Tonight I'm dragging mentally exhausted self to the gym after work then D9 has dance and I need to get some groceries and do something about the bomb that has went off at my house. I haven't had the energy to touch anything at home.
It's only been a couple of days...give yourself time, it will feel like a rollercoaster you're on right now and that's ok and to be expected. Now, this may not be the right time and I don't expect you to think about it now but it may be something to look at with your IC at some point...or not. I look at your past relationships and there is a series of guys who can't commit. Your H married you but was never emotionally committed to the R, your previous BF wouldn't commit and now FF doesn't feel he can commit. Hmmmmm. What I know about people, me included, is that we repeat patterns and often don't even realize we're doing it. So, when he time is right, give this some thought. This just came to me so I'm tossing it out...sorry, if it's not the right timing.
heavily discussed with my IC, lol. This was the one who wanted commitment. Who was looking for a wife, a partner a relationship, wanted the whole deal. This was clear from the beginning. In words and actions. She was happy I was finally going for someone who didn't tell me right up front the famous line " I wasn't looking for a relationship....."
The only problem is, in the end, he realized he didn't want to commit to me and my daughter.
"The only problem is, in the end, he realized he didn't want to commit to me and my daughter."
Perhaps. Or perhaps he said one thing while doing another? Who's to know for sure. Either way, it's easy to say anything but it's the actions that count.
You mentioning going to work out... I've been wondering about that. That's how you two met, correct? Is he likely to be there? if not tonight, sometime soon? And isn't his sister there as well? Are you/how are you prepared to address and face that? Plus, will D9 see him there? Are you ready for that?
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
