WW in PA: Threaten to tell kids? Confront OM?

[hoosjim]

Slight update. I had been going to to talk to her about internet "transparency" as well as possibly MC (she had mentioned this in our last talk) last night, but she went up to bed early, again. And in the guest bed, again. I went in and asked if she was still awake and she kind of mumbled "no." So I just said, "Okay, try to get some sleep, goodnight" (she hasn't been sleeping very well.) As I walked out, she kind of perked up a little and said "did you want to talk about something?" and I said "no, it can wait until tomorrow". At which point, she asked again but I again put it off. So, today, after she leaves for work, she calls me from the car five minutes into her drive (she hasn't called me from car for a few days, now, not since we had the "NC" talk), has some nice small talk, and asks again what I wanted to talk to her about last night. I gently put it off again, saying we could talk tonight, that it was nothin "bad", and that I wanted to talk to her face to face and while she was awake. She was a little pout-y about that in kind of joking way, saying "well, if you don't want to talk I guess I'll just have to watch all the cars go by and cutting me off while I'm trying to get to work." So we talked for a couple of more minutes and then I broke it off "so I could finish getting ready." A little more background here is that her AM and PM drives HAD BEEN her primary contact times with the OM, where she had long-ish talks with him, including some very flirty and even explicit stuff, and during which he made her "laugh alot" (He IS a very funny guy.) She is not currently getting those conversations with him.

I am NOT taking the above as any kind of positive sign. I just find it interesting that she is so interested/eager to find out what I wanted to talk to her about. In the past, and through this whole process, she has typically dreaded MR talks with me (and has told me so: "Oh, here he comes again, what is it going to be this time?"

My plan, unless someone talks me off the ledge, is to bring up both of these topics tonight or, if the situation does not look ripe, tomorrow at the latest. 1) Transperancy, in the positive sense that we are working on rebuilding trust, that this is something ALL married couples should have (and always DID have until the advent of social media and internet) and that it is not monitoring (if she tries to say it is that) but actually almost the opposite-- something a couple gives to each other rather than something they do to each other. If there is transparency there is no need for monitoring. ANd 2) Counselling: I know some would say this is probably premature, as I don't think I have full remorse and personal accountability from her, yet, and quite clearly based on her Sunday drive-by the OM is not out of her head, yet. However, we (and she brought it up) discussed counseling for, I think, the fourth time since we started having difficulties, (only the second time since BD in january, though) and each time I have not followed up. Following up and at least giving it a shot would be a 180 of sorts for me. OTOH, I worry about counselling being a) emotional "pressure" for her b) another opportunity for to perceive me as "pursuing" her (although my intent at this point is to say I am not 100% certain myself at this point and need to find out if we can restore the trust enough, etc., to reconcile) and c) just a box-checking exercise for her to speed up her exit from the marriage. That's a lot seemingly stacked against the idea of counselling right now... However: I have a really good counselor, pro-marriage, with whom I have spoken previously and who has a philosophy I think my W would not find pressuring (this counselor is also a sex/intimacy therapist who believes that that level of relationship can be restored-- in fact that it HAS to be restored in order for their to be a viable marriage-- once lost) and I feel like my wife, who is in a place where she wants to see if "she could even want to try to work on the marriage" might benefit from the counselling. I also have a very strong feeling, due to a number of bizarre "coincidences" that led me to this therapist, too lengthy to go into here, that this person has a role to play in my marriage before all is said and done... and that therapist in particular thinks it could be beneficial for us to come in at this time.

But I am still torn on the timing of of the counselling thing, as I am on the balance to strike between "pursuit" and "distance". It was lack of pursuit and lack of intimacy, over many years, that got me into this fix in the first place. Backing off completely now seems like it might not be that awesome a plan. So I think I am going to broach and move ahead with trying counselling, while, on the home front, not actively pursuing her (and perhaps just pretending not to notice and not even mentioning again her bedroom absence) while at the same time being available and responsive, in kind, when she reaches out.

Really feel like I am walking a tightrope, here, and don't want to give the OM a chance to worm his way back in (her birthday is next week which will be an ideal opportunity for him I am sure he will try to leverage), but don't want to overbear her and push her away. We had a brief period (3-4 weeks) of steadily improving relationship and warmth, during which I was GAL-ing and she had distanced herself from the OM, but that all reversed when they reconnected in late March early April. Now, she's apparently (though not certainly-- I can't check everything) distanced herself from him AND from me at the same time.