Lurker ready to ask for help with WW/WAW sitch!

[25yearsmlc]

"You yourself were wayward and abusive, (per you,) so naturally she's not too interested in risky conversations."

Absolutely a fair assessment. She still doesn't feel safe when we talk because of our negative interaction cycle. We're the classic pursuer/distancer. Through the last 3 months post BD we've improved very modestly but still get trapped in it whenever anything major happens.

I definitely have been focused on her infidelity and I think that's largely because her lying and being unfaithful is my only real resentment with her.

"don't judge her by the worst thing she's ever done" --- Matrix

(You might want to look up his post to Bluewave on her thread...seriously, it'd be a great idea to do that.)

Matrix had a wife who had an affair. They reconciled but he would or could not let it go...even after she did everything to compensate for it. ( I don't know if he had the same issues to work on in himself as you do, but he was not flawless)

and he held it over her head like the sword of Damacles and he resented her mightily...
for a long time... and over time, naturally she got tired of having to prove herself repeatedly and being punished for her one big mistake. She was hurt by him losing sight of his own shortcomings, and just honing in on the one big negative thing she did...and his never letting go of it ---till finally, she let go of him...

So your wife has done ONE wrong to you, and that is your focus, correct?

But you are here trying to save your m... so think about ^^that, okay?

And hey, dig deep. Because if you don't think you can forgive her, then let her go now. I mean, why waste time on her end or yours? Move on...

but you may Also want to examine how or if forgiveness was modeled in your childhood...


She's been an incredible and forgiving and supportive partner our entire relationship.

So she has set an example you don't want to follow or don't know how, or what?

I get that you want to feel safer than you do now, I feel like "boundaries" you are harping on are also set ups for failure and I am not sure they'll help you attain your goal. In fact, what would you say IS your goal?

Her worst marital trait to me is that she doesn't like to talk about her feelings but a lot of that is certainly a byproduct of my being unsafe to talk to.

are you reading this^^? Runrec, you have to own your stuff to work on and though some will say "Affairs are always wrong", in my opinion they are not all alike.

I know you are in a pain...but you have to Stay in your sandbox and do your work.



All that said, I've leaned more about what constitutes a boundary and understand how I was attempting to control her with "boundaries" rather than actually communicating what I needed to protect myself in the marriage.

SHE doesn't feel safe in the m, which you admit you are the cause of.

But here you are talking about what you need to feel safe.

I get that, totally. Your ego took a huge blow...but do you have any thought about what SHE might need to feel safe with you, given that she doesn't?


When we had our talk today about the trial sep I told her "my only boundary is marital faithfulness. I don't want to control you at all,

sorry but, these^^ things don't match. You can tell her YOU won't live in an open marriage and then stop telling her what you don't want HER to do...and then pretend it's not about control. To me it looks exactly Iike control.

Look - despite whatever semantics are at issue ^^ here, the bottom line is you are setting yourself up for more heartache -and losing sight of your own work.

So, You are here trying to save your m, or to stop your w from an affair?

but I can't be in an open marriage and I couldn't take the pain of another affair." and I left it at that. I'm literally in sudden death overtime here,


how do you think you could have restructured the conversation so you don't now feel you are "literally in sudden death overtime"? Do you see anything you might have done differently?

so I just have to hope she honors that boundary but not let the anxiety consume me.

the second part is what you control...

It'll either happen or it won't but this entire thing is out of my hands now. I can only work on myself and make myself the best possible version of me I can be.

correct


I figured mentioning it once and dropping it constitutes a 180 since in the past I would have dwelled on it, and felt the need to reiterate and speak specifically.

There's NO need to repeat it.

The more you issue ultimatums, the more you corner yourself into a spot you don't really want

and frankly, I'm not even sure you are really seeing the big picture here.


Here is what a woman here on these boards, once wrote to a LBH. (He wasn't her LBH). Anyhow, the LBH wondered why his WalkAway wife had not yet broken it off with OM and returned to the marriage, bc he had finally made a lot of needed changes & wanted to reconcile.

See if this resonates with you, or if your w could someday have written the letter...


Dear LBH

When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than.-

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H.

Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes. So, I can see where your W is coming from.

When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated, does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.

And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.

Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope. You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants - and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to "win".

Even today you admit that you are not sure that you don't just want to "win".

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her - and really have recommitted to her, but you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell.