180man Thread 4

[180Man]

Look within yourself.

Is it?

Why are you doing it? What are your expectations?

You can wrap it up in a pretty package and label it as "decent" or "opening up" or "something positive" or "reaching out" or anything else you think sounds like a good excuse. But to the wayward it is pursuit.

Actually, you may be hurting your own chances by sending these cards to the MIL and Step-MIL.
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Your wife knows you, and she knows the true intentions of you wanting to mail cards to her relatives...maybe better than you know yourself.
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If anything screams of pursuit to the WW.....that certainly does.

Check yourself. Are you really doing it b/c you'd keep in touch with them in 5 years even when you are remarried to another woman?

sigh

Well, when I posted this morning I was on the fence. But after reading everything you guys have said today, going to IC, AND talking to my hair stylist during my appointment today (she's about a year ahead of me in her divorce situation and we talk about our shitty situations...she seems to know what's up).

You guys are right.

To answer your question 25, I do love these women. They are my family. I don't have the decades of family experiences with them that you do with yours and I don't see myself being able to cope with attempting to keep in touch with them if I do have to move on to another R.

It's embarassing to keep finding myself in this mental place again and again just to have you guys pull me back from the ledge time and again. I'm trying hard to do all this work on me, but my brain sometimes just can't deal with this new reality. Honestly, sometimes it feels like she's just on deployment, like none of this is real, and that I'll drive down to the base one of these days and pick her up with flags and shít waving everywhere like any other return from a deployment. Fortunately these thoughts don't last too long, but sometimes I can't fathom this version of reality.

Thank you to the three of you for giving me a big slap across the face, I guess I needed it.

I doubt you'll listen to me b/c you don't like what I have to say.

Sandi, I'm sorry I made you feel as if I didn't value your opinion. I never intended that. In fact, a couple of months ago I read through page after page of your postings from over the years. I think I was really frustrated last time you posted on my thread because I was really having a hard time hearing what you guys were telling me and then you made a mistake thinking there was an OM#2 in my situation and the thought of that combined with everything else at the time was just too much for me. I also feel as if my writing style is too verbose and that, ironically, makes it harder for people to help me because there is so much to read through. So, that's why I started a fresh thread last time, it wasn't you. I'm sorry that I came across that way and made you feel unappreciated.

what would be different in the marriage, than before?

Well, I feel I have made a lot of progress since December. I know I'm not there yet, perhaps I'll never fully feel like I'm there, I don't know. I also know I am, like others here, more eager to resolve this sooner rather than later, despite knowing that it probably hasn't been long enough yet. We both need the tincture of time right now. But my brain fights this.

So what would I do differently? Continue going to the gym all the time. I was never fat but I got soft around the edges and I never fully apprecitated the significant stress relief that the gym brings me now. That would have helped me during so many stressful times at work, but instead my W had to watch me stress out at home while I tried to study my face off and pull my hair out worrying about if I might fail. Funny, she would look at me and say...in all of the years you've been doing this, how many times have you failed something? I would say...well, I failed an event once. Meanwhile my peers have failed multiple things over the years. So...the gym would have helped on many levels and I think it's one of many things that can help keep you well rounded and grounded.

Sex. I would do sex differently. I didn't appreciate the connection it brought us. I let it become routine. I was doing it for my pleasure, not for hers. But now I realize that it's not supposed to be like the trash you see on the internet. If I were to really just focus on her needs and pleasing her, that would change the dynamic completely. Not because she should be the only one to experience pleasure, but because by satisfying her, I would in turn be ensuring we are both satisfied. Not sure if that makes sense, but it does in my head.

Chores. Yeah...if I am home a couple of hours before she is, I need to take some time to clean the kitchen and sweep up a little bit. Get started on dinner. Acts of Service are one of her love languages and this stuff needs to be done anyways. She's not my mother. Yeah, I was really depressed last year about work and that made it hard for me. In fact, I still can't wait to get out of my current black hole of a job, but I'm making the best of it now. And I understand now that I can't just allow myself to get so sucked into my problems that it brings both of us down.

Negativity. PMA is something I need to work hard at. But I'm finding my faith and I'm developing my spiritual and philisophical sides and I know I'm susceptible to being negative, so I must actively fight against it.

I guess these are just a few of the things I would do differently. It's probably not enough, but I know I'm better than I was and I refuse to regress.




So...any of you need a mother's day card? I have two sitting right here...