Thanks Rottz, I'm holding on to the thought he didn't want to look at her....he sure as heck avoided it. Lord only knows what they talk about on the phone all the time????Go figure! Oh well, I made it through just fine, thank heavens. I feel like I get a little stronger every time I get through something like that....kind of like jumping through a ring of fire. Neither OW nor H looked like happy campers last night. H was kind of rushed & irritable last night & this am....maybe that's good, maybe OW is making him irritable? heheheheh
Thanks BnB for the encourgagement!!!!I think she's more like bologna myself, but obviously there's something I don't see. I just gotta try to be the steak (and the lobster)
I know dfb, obviously she has something H finds attractive, I havent a clue what it is. She justdoesnt seem the type H would go for, but then I don't know her well, either. but who knows? I wouldnt want to be her if I could....I think I have a lot more going for me! so, we shall see....on and on the story goes! Rottzilla mentioned H not wanting to look at her last night, and I swear he looked like he didnt want to...I think I can ususally read him fairly well.
H stopped by my office on his way out....he's tired from 2 12 hour days in a row, and has a sinus headache. Probably no fun and games tonight, sigh. actually I'm tired too... H was talking about having to do paperwork on Sunday, since we'll be doing his folks thing all day Saturday. That stinks. I just hope he's really going to work, and not to see OW. Did I ever mention that H stays awake more/better when we watch movies on Sat. night now? I wonder if this is another sign he is telling the truth about not seeing her. the not swimming in aftershave and mouthwash and cutting his hair every 2 weeks and "bodybuilder" posing in front of the mirror make me wonder (make me hopeful he is being truthful is more like it)....I don't know, does this make sense to anyone else?
I still gotta figure out quickly what to do about MIL's sneaky plans for vow renewal on Saturday...actually it's about as tough as being at meetings w/H and OW.
whew, I'm tired tonite to, guess it just hit me later than H, yesterday was his 2nd long day in a row, today is mine. I was just reading a thread I stumbled on "tips to newcomers to piecing" and found all kinds of good stuff there....It helps so much to know that I am not the only one who struggles with issues of trust and needing reassurance and grief at the loss of the "exclusiveness" of your M....I just hope someday I can get to where those wise folks are. I'm copying a post of Betsey's here so I don't lose it, I havent found slowly today, and this is so much in tune with my sitch. "I know so many of the things that work (relaxing, spending time together, listening more, etc) and so many of the things that don't (constantly looking for the next issue to solve, too much churning, acting like a time bomb, etc).
Relax. Appreciate. Observe. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Let yourself be loved. Open. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful. Share. Smile. " Oops, that was Sage's, another I wanted to "keep" . I'll try to find Betsey's tomorrow.
I find myself really longing to ask H for reassurance his A is over tonight, and needing to bite my tongue. maybe I will find that post before I sign off and copy it and take it with me.
this is the one I need to copy and carry with me tonight. "Thanks, Sage! Here's the post I made to Slowly yesterday, regarding the issue of understanding our spouses who are grieving over losing OM/OW:
Slowly--good point! It IS difficult to change a behavior when it's been a way of life for a long time. But this leopard has successfully changed its spots, which makes it possible for you too.
About your H and his feeling the need for closure with the OW, I can understand your disbelief but have to reiterate this strongly: let him do this. It will head off any resentment toward you if you start calling ultimatums.
I was the one in my M who had an EA and doggone close call with a PA. And I can also say with absolute certainty that if Mr. W. had told me to end my friendship with OM, I would have left and not considered his feelings. The fact is, I was getting something from OM that had been missing in my M for a really long time. I was loathe to put myself in a position of not getting what I needed.
I'm not justifying my actions, so please don't think I'm advocating this position. I just know that I needed to close that door in my own time and fashion. I finally closed that door for good a year ago (yes, several months after Mr. W. left). I lost a really good childhood friend because I allowed some boundaries to get fuzzy.
Anyway, if you give him the time and space he needs to process what she meant in the grand scheme of things, I think you can really benefit from the experience. OW is a symptom of a problem--not the cause and not the cure. Let him grieve and process... then you'll know for sure if he comes back it's because he wants to be with you--not out of obligation or guilt.
Hey Deb - You did shine, well done you I totally agree with the what works/what does not work analysis - trying to solve the next problem makes us feel useful, though doesn't it? Betsey's pointer is excellent - what will we replace the problem-solved high with? Without the replacement, backsliding is inevitable, I reckon.
I know from experience, each time I have asked H about his EA, it has backfired and caused a separation between us. While he is still healing from the guilt and hurting me (yes, he has to heal from that as well.) is not the right time to bring it up. It makes my H feel as if he is under constant surveillance and can't win. He has told me it is over, and he feels that when I accept him at his word, I am showing him the faith and trust that he longs for.
That's not to say there won't be plenty of questions for when we ARE healed from it.
Also, when I DO bite my tongue, we always wind up having a nice time. Well, those nice times and good memories are bringing us closer together. So, what's wrong with that. Sometimes when I bite my tongue, I think later, "tonight went so well, we are so close. What would have happened instead if I had brought up her ?" Well, you know as well as I do what would have happened. Fight, bad feelings, withdrawal, etc. Why risk it?
If it doesn't bring you closer to your goal, don't do it.
I totally agree with the what works/what does not work analysis - trying to solve the next problem makes us feel useful, though doesn't it? Betsey's pointer is excellent - what will we replace the problem-solved high with? Without the replacement, backsliding is inevitable, I reckon.