"he does not have to hate you (but he may right now) to justify theft to "protect HIS MONEY"...He rationalizes or hides from far more than you realize. Please protect yourself and your son"
We always kept our bank accounts, credit cards everything separate for the most part. So he does not view it as stealing. He views it as "mine". I was always the saver and it made no sense that I had more then him since I went down to part time to watch son. He earned 2/3 my salary.
We moved in with my parents for a year. I thought it was to save money for a home. But really he had hidden credit card debt (i am not responsible for it)
After I retained attorneys (and was told how important they were and how much i needed them to protect me in lieu of mediation) , I was told by lawyers that everything was too expensive to fight for, no real guarantee either and would leave us both with little. I was told that he was most likely a bad spender and that all that money could not be recouped. That is until I researched these withdrawals (lawyers did not even look at the statements or even tell me that they had them until recently. Im the one that went thought them). Now I am not 100% sure anymore. I was in shock and more worried at the time over the safety issues regarding possible addiction.
He has no money. It is gone. A judge might enforce that ex pay me back some of it as it was unexplained depletion of marital assets. But no guarantee. I could spend a lot in legal fees, for judge to rule in ex's favor. Also, if he loses his job or spirals further downward (seems typical with an addict) I will get nothing and be out of those legal fees. Where I live the lawyers charge 400 to 500 dollars/hour. Every 5 minute email is charged as 15 minutes and costs me a fortune. It seems like they get paid just to scratch their head and think. Its crazy.
So yes. He is wrong. He should be paying us back that money. But I am seeing that with cases like mine, it becomes a matter of lawyers literally telling me they cant do much to help me because their fees are too high. That if we were talking millions, it would be worth it.
I am honestly glad that we are no longer married. I am glad that he was the one to leave. I have no guilt and will not struggle the way many spouses of addicts will. I have a chance at a real relationship with someone. My son will not grow up observing a really unhealthy dynamic.
But I'm still feeling deeply traumatized by it all. The way he left, the whole legal process, and the secret life he lived, and whether son will be safe in the future.
