Lurker ready to ask for help with WW/WAW sitch!

[RunRec]

"You yourself were wayward and abusive, (per you,) so naturally she's not too interested in risky conversations."

Absolutely a fair assessment. She still doesn't feel safe when we talk because of our negative interaction cycle. We're the classic pursuer/distancer. Through the last 3 months post BD we've improved very modestly but still get trapped in it whenever anything major happens.

I definitely have been focused on her infidelity and I think that's largely because her lying and being unfaithful is my only real resentment with her. She's been an incredible and forgiving and supportive partner our entire relationship. Her worst marital trait to me is that she doesn't like to talk about her feelings but a lot of that is certainly a byproduct of my being unsafe to talk to.

All that said, I've leaned more about what constitutes a boundary and understand how I was attempting to control her with "boundaries" rather than actually communicating what I needed to protect myself in the marriage. When we had our talk today about the trial sep I told her "my only boundary is marital faithfulness. I don't want to control you at all, but I can't be in an open marriage and I couldn't take the pain of another affair." and I left it at that. I'm literally in sudden death overtime here, so I just have to hope she honors that boundary but not let the anxiety consume me. It'll either happen or it won't but this entire thing is out of my hands now. I can only work on myself and make myself the best possible version of me I can be. I figured mentioning it once and dropping it constitutes a 180 since in the past I would have dwelled on it, and felt the need to reiterate and speak specifically.