25 yearsMLC 10 years late I FILE part 2

[AJM]

No, I don't mean that I need externals to remove h as a factor in decisions, I just need time

I hear you. For me, I described it as perspective. It has taken me much longer to get that perspective than I'd like, but nonetheless I think we're describing similar things. I get it.

As for whether my kids know what it's like to throw away a 35 year marriage, no they don't. Clearly. But they are entitled to their feelings too and they are angry at h and frustrated with me when I say anything remotely similar to an explanation for their dad's behavior ("stop defending him!")

I will sort out my feelings about it all, and will at least tell them to back off a bit, in time.

Could I clarify that and make a suggestion? What I was getting at there is that you should be careful listening to others, your children included. And for the same reason. They are hurt and want you to be ok. I'm not suggesting their feelings aren't valid. Not by a long shot. I think they hurt as much or more than you do. They had NO choice in this at all. They have every right and then some to be angry and frustrated. To feel like their foundation in this world that helped them understand it, was ripped out from under them. It's tragic at the very least and very very sad.

I wouldn't think at this point you're trying to defend him. Rather, I read in your posts that you are trying to make sense of things. And just for fun, you're going through some tough times without your life=long partner, who by the way, pulled the rug out from under you in a long game. I think you could maybe add being destitute to that list and you'd have a royal flush of a hand. Oh wait...

You're right when you say that nobody could hurt you more. There isn't a person on the planet that could. There likely never will be again because you've proven you can take the hit and get back up. Not to say you can't love like that again and be hurt again. You can and you should and you will.

But some are valid, and there were things I hid from OBVIOUSLY and that is on me at some level. I'm mostly second guessing myself about the past but that won't last too long I hope.

It is those things you hid from, that I think you may want to dig into. Why? So that you can have peace with your choices. Side note: I see countless people, myself at one point included, that either conciously or sub-conciously determine that they'll never date or get involved with someone like "that" again. If you ask me, it's not that simple, 25. You were attracted to him for a reason. You did things for a reason. You hid things for a reason and you hoped for a reason. Maybe you hoped beyond reason. Maybe not. But if you take the time to understand those things about yourself, when you're able, I think you'll be better for it. And if you tell yourself it's ok to make those choices, you'll be fine regardless of the outcome, I know you'll be better for it.

Don't kid yourself, 25. It's a big injury. My conselor at the time described it as an IED type event that I neither expected (I didn't) nor defended against. At least, I didn't actively fight against it in the scheme of things. Why? Because it wasn't about me. I couldn't see the problems come up until they had already surfaced. She made sure of that for some reason I'll never know. During that time, my grandfather, who raised me as his own after my mom died when i was a kid and my father lost his marbles for a while, died of alzheimers. Shortly after, my grandmother was diagnosed with the same. Just for fun, my only sister, whom I'm close with, was diagnosed with brain and spine cancer. My father died. My daughter decided to blame me for who knows what and hasn't spoken to me since. And to add the cherry on top? My work was actively trying to fire me for unknown reasons. During that time, my son was taking very expensive medication and my insurance changed. They wanted about 10K a month for his meds and I could barely keep the job or pay the bills at the time. I got into an accident (cop said not my fault, but it totaled my car.) And while all this was going on, the ex was playing games with the lawyers (paid for by her mom and OM). Ex and the OM were harassing me and my kids to the point I almost filed with the county. I was in the suck for sure.

For perspective, there were also a lot of good things going on in my life. My good friends moved in with me for a few months. They're like my second family now. My son and I are very close. Closer than before all of this. My sister is doing fine. Later, the manager that was harassing me, was fired instead...I felt vindicated. He also later (years) apologized to me for his behavior, which was nice. I got a new and more interesting job. My kids both went off to college. I made a lot of new and dear friends. I have a roommate who is a close friend of mine. I dated some great women. Some for longer than others. I also had some fun and wild times with a few others. I bought a different car that I fixed up, and repaired the totaled car (that was costly but...) and gave it away to a friend in need. She was worse off than me. I became a leader in my church again. I taught confirmation to middle schoolers. I got a degree. I kept the house. The list goes on.

And you know what I see in that? I see life. Not good or bad, 25. Just life. I learned to not be bitter or angry. I also learned that some things are worth being angry about and that it's ok to do so. I learned I'm not unique in what happened, even though it felt like it at first. And that helped. This forum helped for that reason.

I learned some things are out of my control. No matter how perfect i was, or how good at negotiating or how careful or how... you get the picture. I learned that it's ok to be me and I learned that my actions won't always lead to the outcome I'd like - others have a say. I learned it's ok and that it's my life. All of it. The highs and lows and the in betweens.

I get it, 25. Time and perspective are important as is being careful to not allow damaging things to come from your mouth. They'll remember you for that and they'll need that example of strength grace at some point in their life. I know that from experience as well


Peace,
AJ