I don't know, maybe I'm killing myself for nothing here, but it's so hard not to. H did call to say he'd be late last night and said he didn't want me to wonder, He wrote a check and I saw the amt recorded, it wasnt enough to buy cards and anything for OW, even a phone card. I still think the fact he called last night is good. H obviously bought cards like he said he was. H laughed this morning at my punishment quips; Monday H invited me to walk and was HORNY even if moody; none of the positives from last week have changed........... It's just HARD to have to see her and him in the same place at the same time. Plus that fact that it just dawned on me this afternoon that things were probably firing up between them at this time last year......yuck, my mind is wanting to get all fired up about water under the bridge. I did just have the thought though that I used to sit here and stare out my office window and cry all day....or fight back tears all day, and I havent done that for months.....so progress over all, I guess. S is on a more even keel now as well, he firmly believes his dad is not going anywhere and every thing will blow over, of course what child doesnt have such wishful thinking?
OK, my positive/negative posts from last week, as a last minute "strap it on" effort:
POSiTIVES: 1)H has never left home; 2)H has never said he wants a divorce; 3)H has told S he doesnt want a D; 4)H has said in a "round-about" way that he wants M to work ("don't you think that I'm hurt and disappointed and want this to work out too?), 5)H has said he's told OW we are "trying to work this out", 6)H is nicer to children than for a long time; 7)H is more loving to me than for a long time, with spontaneous little kisses, hugs; 8)H pays more attention to home/pets than for a long, long time; 9)H is starting to look for a new job; 10)H has stopped blaming me for everything that he sees being wrong; 11)H has more to do w/his family of origin than he had for some time; 12)H does little "acts of service"; 13)H makes time for us to do some things together..movies, walks, meals, etc, which he used to avoid; 14)H is home more; 15)H looks me in the eye and "chats" with me now; 16)I see "warmth" and sometimes teasing/happiness in his eyes now when he looks at me, I used to see disgust, disdain? 17)H still ML, sometimes really enthusiastically 18)H is closer to D...they hated each other for a while; 19)H has said numerous times he is trying to end it/"things are coming apart",20)H has said DB is working (in so many words..."i can see how this works, you just feel yourself being drawn back to the person) 20) H has said and says pretty often that he loves me, seems sincere 22)H makes plans for the future that include me 23)H refers to home as "my house"; 24)H has said he & OW are not seeing each other any longer 25) I've lost weight 26) I'm in somewhat better physical condition 27) I like myself better 28) I like H better; 29) H no longer swigs mouthwash and swims in aftershave constantly; 30)H's phone convo's w/OW don't seem to last hours anymore.
OH! something new to add: 31)H doesnt get his hair cut as often or spend as much effort fussing with it anymore; 31) H used to strike "body builder" poses in front of the mirror with his shirt off a lot....I havent seen him do it for quite some time!
NEGATIVES: 1)H calls OW on phone frequently/daily at least; 2)H says they "still talk and are still friends"; 3)H says "I know she'll always be there if we don't work out; 4) H doesnt ML as often as I would like and isnt as demonstrative 5)H hasnt put his wedding ring back on; 6) H hasnt told me it's over w/OW;7)H is hot/cold emotionally, and kind of unpredictable; 8)I have trouble managing the anxiety and fear that comes from the uncertainty.
frankly it wouldnt take much for me to become a basket case right now........deep breathing, I guess........... I could sure use any and all prayers or positive vibes or what ever (what ever good and strong!) anybody has to send my way right now!
Quote: I( H is big on boobs, to put it bluntly).....
I didn't know if it'd be okay to see "boobs" on your thread.
But now that it is...
SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS TONIGHT! Hot and sexy, confident. Prince Charles went after Camilla Bowles probabgly for that reason (the confident part). Princess Diana was amazing and beautiful, but didn't have much confidence, IMHO.
Be all of that. And get some roses for your window.
Don't be a basket case. If you need to be one, do it tomorrow when you are alone. Good luck, okay?
yeah, thanks! hey, I'm ok with boobs (although I might offend some one else, so I should probably tone it down, maybe I'm a little wacky today) My life gets ever more challenging and wacky, but maybe god is answering my prayers....Exec. director just called 10 minutes ago and asked me to introduce the speaker this evening.....so I get to get up in front OW and H AGAIN after yesterday....but maybe it's a blessing because is makes me have to focus my mental energy on something besides "them"....and makes me have to concentrate again on doing my job. ok.....thanks god, I think....I will pass on the kleenex tonight however. Maybe exec. director is trying to help me as well, she knows about this mess, is not pleased, and has been quite supportive of me so far (as long as I do my job!).....ladadeeladada....life goes on.....(from the beatles as I recall).....just saw H pull in drive from other office....gotta get ready........prayers all, please! thanks!
Hi deb, checking in on you. You are doing great baby. And boy, oh boy wiht that boobs and the sort of confidence you are showing, your H will probably think what am I doing chasing a burger when I have steak at home?
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Thanks so much all for your support. I have to get to another meeting, but thought I'd post real quick. Yesterday went fine....H was a little "grumpy" through the evening and after we got home, but he doesnt like those things anyway. OW sat down the same row we were on, across the aisle w/her back to us, where H would have to see her to look at speaker. Oh well, I sat between them so H had to see me any time he looked towards her (now, why would H think I know exactly what I'm doing?) Intro went fine, speaker did a good job and kidded with me a couple of times as he spoke..... I have to admit I watched for interaction between H & OW (gosh, do you think they thought I might?) and I got the impression they were avoiding eye contact of any sort. H had to get up to receive an award and would have stood right in front of OW, and he didn't look at her (I know, I was watching from where I sat!). Afterwards, several co-workers, including OW's supervisor, told me I did a good job and looked great. I looked in the mirror when I got home, and actually thought "I do look good" and I'm usually very self-critical and focused on the weight I still need to lose. H left the meeting first to pick up S11 at his friends, I had to stay and tie up some loose ends....I think OW slipped out the back door before H ever left. I don't know what physical attraction there could be, honestly to me she looks as plain as an old shoe. I don't know if that's good or bad. I try to make my self as different from her as possible, don't know if that's good or bad. She's kind of "dishwater blonde/mousey brown" haired with skin about the same tone, lighter eyes and dresses really plainly. I have dark hair, real dark eyes, and light skin, and i try to emphasize that and dress a little more "sharply"....don't know if it matters or makes any difference or H even notices. But then again, maybe that's part of what's behind his "you know exactly what you're doing" comment. ANYWAY, I not only survived, I think I sailed through the evening!!!!yes!!!!!!
Now I gotta figure out quickly how to tackly Atomic MIL's vow renewal plans for Saturday. I sure have no need to watch soap operas! Thanks so much to all of you for your support. I couldnt have made it without you!
As far as the OW - she may not be attractive in your opinion, but obviously she has something that is tugging at him. I am not the most gorgeous woman on the planet (not bad, though - and getting more hot with my weight loss!) - but I'd like to think my personality makes up for any flaws. And my kindness.
And get some roses for your window. 
