Leaving it up to God (but still interfering!)

[Coly23]

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Leaving it up to God (I think!)

Thanks Job, for linking my thread, you are the best!

Story so far - H has been gone a year this month. I decided to do a 180 (a suggested by DB coach last year but I was not ready to take that action) and sent him a text last week after six weeks of no contact and told him that I hoped he didn't think I was holding his things hostage in the house and that he can come and pick them up anytime he wanted. H responded that he did not think there was a hostage situation and asked if I wanted to go for coffee at the weekend.

My mind started working overtime wondering why he wanted to meet. I though it might be the big D, OW, sell the house etc, etc. Altair, said she didn't think he would talk about any of those things and she was right. Just general chit chat. I pushed at the end of coffee and mentioned about when he thought he would come over to get his stuff. He stammered and wasn't quite sure. Then I got a text last night that he would come over today and to leave a key. I panicked and became all needy and clingy and was about to send a very needy, clingy text this morning when OwnIt grabbed me by the shoulders and made me pull myself together!

When I got home from work I noticed he had taken all his suits because I said it was a shame that all his expensive suits are just sitting in a wardrobe. I noticed he did not take anything else but he tidied up his clothes that were in the baskets in the wardrobe and folded them away neatly.

I really do think he might have lost it! The only reason he has taken his suits is because I suggested it. I don't really understand! I told him he can keep the key for the time being and he thanked me. I would rather he just took his stuff without having to make a big deal of it each time.

I feel better about it than I thought I would. It's just fear of the unknown that makes me panic but at the end of the day it's just clothes. D was upset that I suggested he takes his suits but then she also thinks he has gone mad when she saw all the clothes he had left behind folded neatly!

What does this all mean? He is definitely still way down in the rabbit hole or is he? I have been reading Alisuddenly's thread from 2008 and for a year her H held her at arms length like my H is doing to me although her H did communicate with her a lot for a few months and it was looking positive. However the reason he was confused and indifferent towards her was because he was weighing up a potential OW and eventually he took the plunge. So all the time she thought he was moving towards her he was having an EA which then turned into an PA. All that time she couldn't understand why after 9 years she did not affect him at all. The reason why I am mentioning her sitch is because I still think H might have OP in the wings waiting and that is why I do not affect him when he sees me.

I know that I feel stronger today than I did yesterday but its such an uphill struggle. But I know all I can do is keep moving forward. I still love him with all my heart and miss him terribly but I know I will be okay. I also know and have to forgive myself that every now and again I will backslide but that is the only way I will learn.

Thanks for reading guys. I appreciate your patience with me!

Happy Tuesday everyone!!