So Confused and Conflicted (7)

[WshIKnw]

Hey, Sandy. Thanks for asking.

After some pursuing on my part (writing sweet things to my wife, or at least things that I hoped were sweet), my wife started talking to me again. Three Sundays ago (end of April), she wanted to meet with me. We spent about 3 hours together. We met for lunch. Something funny happened during this time. An old man by himself kept talking to us, asking whether she was my wife, telling me I had a beautiful wife, saying he was wondering why she wasn't wearing a ring, talking about things he wished he'd done differently in his marriage, etc. It was pretty comical because things have been a little tense between my wife and I. After I finished eating, she said, "Are you ready for some closure?" and I said, "What kind of closure? You know what kind of closure I want." She wanted to discuss the separation agreement and come to an agreement. I thought it would go better if we walked at a park and talked about it there. I thought we would both feel more comfortable than in a busy restaurant. We spent probably the first hour at the park talking "business" -- separation and legal stuff. In the last hour or so, she started to warm up, and I could see my actual wife "in there". She was saying things that made it sound like she was thinking about the possibility of a future with me (like wanting to know what my family thought about the idea of us getting back together), she was getting emotional, I was a little emotional, we were exchanging kind, loving words. I got a sense that there was a little bit of a "flame" there -- a chance.

On Tuesday, I tried to get her to join me for a free beginner's ballroom dancing class. She said she was having dinner with a friend, and might join me, but would not rush the friend out the door. W did not come in time to dance, but I did see her and her friend walk by and look at me, through the window. I later invited her to see a love story at the movie theater on Friday night. It was the exact kind of movie that she loves (the new Beauty and the Beast). She was wishy-washy about coming. I told her I would be there, and it wasn't a big deal if she didn't come. She came, and we were both early. We talked together until the movie started, and things were quite friendly. During the movie, she was sighing a lot. So, I was concerned that she wasn't enjoying herself. She was "exchanging looks" with me a lot during the movie, and at one point, when Belle leaves the Beast, and the Beast acted like he would never see her again, my wife looked at my sadly, and I wondered whether it made her think of how I felt when she left. It sure made me think of that.

To make a long story short, after the movie, we had dinner together, she was extremely flirty and seductive, and we went back to my (the marital) home and had a "lovely time". I then took her back to her car at the theater. The next morning, she wanted to go on a hike with me, with our/her dog. After we did that, we got lunch and went to a park and sat at the water and talked for a few hours. She was being herself all throughout this weekend. We both then went home to our own places to take naps. I then later invited her to dinner, and she came. She always dressed up nicely and put on makeup each time she saw me over the weekend. She said she could go for "it" again. So, we went back to the marital house again, and then I took her home. After Friday night, she talked about how she felt foolish about what we did, and after Saturday night, she said the same thing again. So, that's pretty interesting that she felt foolish about it, but did it again anyway Saturday night. On Saturday night, she said she wouldn't probably see me on Sunday.

On Sunday morning, she sent me a sad email where she shared with me a poem that she had written when we were together where she talked about how jealous she was of other couples that did things together that I wasn't doing with her, like coming home from work early enough to often go on walks together in the afternoon. She asked why did she need me so much in her life, when clearly I didn't need her. I told her I cried a little when I read it and told her that maybe I should have been reading her journals, so that I would have the complete picture of how she felt inside. I told her I was very sorry that she felt so unloved, and that I was a neglectful husband. "I don't want you to ever feel that way again, and I'm so sorry that you did for so long. I don't know why I thought things were fine." I then sent her another email and asked to to listen to Reb Bradley's Unraveling the Mysteries of the Female Mind (http://www.ultimatehusband.com/main.htm). I told her that I thought that talk really nailed the dynamics of our marriage, that the talk is mostly about the typical differences between men and women, and that he lays out what men should be doing differently, than what comes natural to them. She said she listened to 80% to 90% of it before deciding that he was just recapping. I don't remember whether she commented on it.

She later decided to join me for church. That was really great, because I had been for many weeks by myself, and I missed her so much when I was there without her. The service had an Amazing Grace forgiveness theme. ("Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I'm found. Was blind but now I see.") I felt like it was speaking to us a lot. When we exited, I let her lead the way, whether to avoid walking past the preacher or not. She asked which way I usually go. I told her, by the preacher. So, that's the way we went. We both shook his hand. He said, "Verrry nice to see you, W." She later asked whether I talked to him, and I told her that he had asked where she was one Sunday. I told him that I didn't know. And he said to call him. So, I did.

We then went and had lunch together, and then went to another park and walked around for a few hours together. While at the park, I took her hand twice, while she was stumbling on tree seed pods. Probably the first time since December that I had held her hand. We then went back to the church to take her to her car. Then we went our separate ways, and only spoke very little the rest of the night. Over that weekend, she talked a lot about getting back together, how she would want things to change if we did, and how we both wanted to take it slow and not have her move back in any time soon.

Monday, she called me while I was at work to tell me about a health problem of hers. Tuesday, she called me while I was at work to talk to me about going to cooking classes together. I asked her whether it was more for us to learn or for us to have fun. She said to have fun. Wednesday, we talked in the morning about something through text (I don't have my phone with me at the moment). But it was very friendly and felt warm and loving. After my ballroom dancing class Wednesday night (which I haven't been able to get her to go to yet -- I'm still on last week, just so we're clear), she wanted me to call her because I was supposed to replace one of her headlights that night. I called her and immediately noticed that she might be in a mood, with the way she said "hello". Turns out that she was, because I got out only about 4 or 5 sentences responding to things she was saying, before she said that she kind of hated talking to me, and it was just like old times, with her having to be "ultra specific" about everything she said, because I apparently like to be 100% sure what people are saying and what they mean, rather than having to infer things. She said she didn't really want to get together, but wanted to give me a chance to fulfill what I said I would do, and let me fix her headlight. For some reason, the "stranger" was back.

We decided to meet at the house. I'd get the bulb and she would get the food. When she arrived, she was much nicer, and we had a nice time replacing the bulb together. We then went into the house to eat (dog was with her). All I can remember at the moment from that night, was that she was no longer the sweet, loving wife that seemed so interested in the possibility of getting back together. But she was was the alien again, now saying things like, "are you sure it's not that you want me just because you don't want to date, or because you don't think you can do any better than me?" She was back to suggesting that we not be together, basically. I don't know what changed.

Thursday, she messaged me in the morning, and asked me to give her a list of several things that we could do together on the weekend. I think this was also when she added, "and ask your friend for some tips on how to woo a woman", which was a typical alien insulting thing to say. I gave her a list. She then said, "now pick one of the shorter things on that list". I asked her to eliminate some, and she chose to go watch the sunrise together, which I don't think we had ever done together, because I was usually not up at sunrise in the past.

We talked about going to do crafts on Friday night, and I said I would be at a restaurant for dinner, since I had some nice coupons to use there, where she was welcome to join me. She never agreed to go. I went there to have dinner. After 5 or 10 minutes of her not being there, I texted to tell her I wasn't clear whether we were on for crafts. She said she was running late, and had already eaten dinner. She arrived looking madeup nicely, and about 30 minutes late, which was okay, because she never agreed to have dinner with me. That went quite well. I think it was then that we drove around and she told me how miserable she was and how she shouldn't have came, and how boring I was. We went and got her some icecream. Later, we went back to the house to watch Netflix or something, and she was very sleepy and didn't talk much. She went to sleep. I was being very nice to her, rubbing her feet and her back, and she was acting like she enjoyed it. She later woke up complaining of feeling really bad and wanted me to take her back to her car, at the restaurant. On the way, she was super mean to me, talked about what a mistake it was to hang out with me, how being around me was miserable, and so forth. When I put her out, she didn't say anything as she got out of my car. She just shut my car's door. After about 10 minutes, she called and apologized several times, and said I didn't deserve that. She said she just didn't feel good. She said she probably shouldn't have had the beer with some medication that she was taking for a small health issue. The medication said to not have it with alcohol. So, I attributed some of this to her feeling bad. And that was very non-alien like of her to call and apologize a few minutes after having a fit. The real, sweet wife would have always done that, pretty much. When she called, she said she wouldn't likely be on for the sunrise watching, but she might be on for breakfast.

On Saturday morning, we had breakfast together, and things were a little bit standoffish with her, but she did get me to hold her hand a little. We then walked around stores, and as we did that, she warmed up. She asked whether I would buy her some fairly expensive pillows (probably just seeing what I would say). I said, "I will if you continue hanging out with me for several days and continue being nice." She later saw paint by stickers books and said she really liked them and suggested that my (our) nephew would like that for his birthday. I said I would buy her one of those books, as they weren't very expensive. We later took the book home, and worked on one of the pages in the book. We both enjoyed it, and she talked about really enjoying it a lot, and really turned into my old wife. She talked about how much she liked doing very low pressure stuff like that with me, and a very warm exchange was had between us, where it felt like we could be very honest with each other. A lot of hugging and kissing happened then. We then went and watched one of her favorite shows on Netflix, and she got very kissy with me. Then she was supposed to go hang out with a girlfriend that was coming to town to see her. So, I took her back to her car. She said she would miss me and didn't seem to want to leave me, but had a prior arrangement to hang out with her friend. I didn't see her the rest of the night, but I think I talked to her some later that night. On Sunday, she sent me a funny video at 4 something in the morning (which is odd for her to be up at that hour), and then later went back to sleep. She woke up too late to join me for church. I went alone. We were about to go to lunch together, but she called and said she had a [minor health problem, assuming nothing serious underlying] and needed to go to urgent care. I asked whether I could sit with her, and she was happy to have me go with her. It was very nice getting to play such a strong role of husband again. She was glad to have me with her. We then went to lunch together. There, she told me that all she ever wanted from me was for me to love her, and teared up. I told her that I always loved her. I just didn't always show it as well as I should have. And I told her that throughout all of this (breakup and such), I thought that was all she needed from me. We held hands some across the table. It was a nice lunch with her. I believe she was then very tired, and so she took me back to my car and she went home to nap. Not sure what else happened between us Sunday night. I think she called me that night, like twice -- once because she couldn't sleep. She refused my offer to read her some stories, which is something she used to always want.

On Monday (yesterday) morning, she said she didn't feel good. She was staying home from work. I offered to stay the day with her and keep her company. I offered to take her food, since she didn't have much to eat. But she doesn't want me to know where she lives and/or be in her house. So, she declined all of it, though she did want those things. I suggested that she should talk to our pastor, because he is very calm, compassionate, and non-judgmental -- that he would help her to feel better. I told her that I had a very nice time talking to him. She said she appreciated the suggestion, and that she had also thought of talking to him. She later called me while I was at work, which was the first time I have gotten a call from her at work, since like at least December. She was upset because one of her problems had worsened and it was scaring her. She then talked to her doctor and called me back to tell me that the doctor said she was okay, and not to worry. She then got much better throughout the day. She called me in the afternoon, and I then called her back, once I saw her call as I was leaving work, going to the dance class. She sounded really happy and good. I said I was going to dance class. She said she was going to class, too. And I said, "oh yeah? what class?" She was going to a shooting class for women. Her class ended up being canceled but she had a nice evening. She probably hung out with her girl friend. We spoke a little through text in the evening.

This morning (Tuesday), I texted her to tell her that I would love to go on a walk with her and the dog this evening. She said she was supposed to have dinner with her girlfriend tonight. She said maybe another time. She didn't tell me when would be a good time. I had to ask her what evenings she didn't have plans. I said "okay, how about we have dinner and go on a walk Friday night?" She said she thought she would enjoy it, but felt anxious about it. So, instead of saying "no", she would say that she would think about it. I said, "Sounds good. I'm curious why you feel anxious about it." She said, "I don't know. That's something I want to find out. Talk to you later." She then asked me whether I would ask my counselor to give her a recommendation of who she could see for individual counseling. I asked her to talk to my counselor herself, in case the counselor had any questions to ask W, before making a recommendation. It's interesting that W doesn't want to talk to my counselor, probably because she is my counselor. W said she might contact my counselor and talk to her. W then sent me an email about a TV show that she likes, and that's where I am now.

So, I'm trying to figure out why she is so "hot and cold". I bet you know a lot about that, Sandi. I have an appointment to talk to DB coach, Chuck, on Thursday night. It's like she's about the same as she was in December, when she was on her way out the door, after dropping the "I'm not sure I want to be with you anymore" bomb, except now she's talking about coming back, rather than talking about leaving. I'm just taking it slowly with her, and not counting any eggs before they are hatched.