No, I don't mean that I need externals to remove h as a factor in decisions, I just need time. When I do it for awhile, I feel a lot better but that nagging voice of "really, 25? You want to do that??"
Financially once things are settled, I'll be able to act on my own path better. (No money this month in the mail or bank, btw...)
His refusal to abide by court orders erodes my confidence in planning, and it feels very manipulative of h. Not to mention him quitting the "Greatest job EVER" just to be underemployed. (Yes I have a L and the thing that people do not realize is that going to court for contempt when his claim is that he's unemployed will either result in what I'm going for anyhow, at the end of July -- i.e. pay up--- OR it will not so there's no incentive at this point, in my taking him to court since we are already scheduled to go at the end of July.
his lawyer DID ask mine about a settlement or finalization and that has appeal to me
but I want it to appeal for the right reasons, NOT Just to get this over with...
As for whether my kids know what it's like to throw away a 35 year marriage, no they don't. Clearly. But they are entitled to their feelings too and they are angry at h and frustrated with me when I say anything remotely similar to an explanation for their dad's behavior ("stop defending him!")
I will sort out my feelings about it all, and will at least tell them to back off a bit, in time.
They want to help me, which I dearly appreciate. But some of their opinions are just theirs...not necessarily valid.
But some are valid, and there were things I hid from OBVIOUSLY and that is on me at some level. I'm mostly second guessing myself about the past but that won't last too long I hope.
AJM, No I don't think I'll be jaded with other men, (which is ironic, I know!)
It's like I don't think I could be THIS hurt again. So there's not that much risk.
Not b/c I'd hold back on love, but b/c I'm going through the worst thing now (along with mom dying and the sh1tty medical crisis last fall --okay 2016 was a lousy year for me, to be honest)
but I'm okay. Still here. Plus I usually believe that I'm a good catch and most men seem friendly to me. They flirt. But sure, when the man you marry and bear children with ends up choosing a place and "adventure" and OW over you, it cannot help but hit our egos at a deep level...lots of work to fight that - and I'm trying.
more later...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
