my comment about "Disclosure" does not mean you need to do that, NOW.
It's general advice, and better applied for m couples or couples in piecing...
I don't know what your porn/intimacy issues were - and am still not clear on who is deploying near your wife, or the OM, or you, etc. Are THEY going to be close to each other?
In any event, I do have a few questions.
Re the birthday card and MIL cards//
I'd do nothing for your w's birthday - b/c that is about HER and your feelings for her, which she certainly knows.
If it's about the anniversary and you are bidding goodbye to the m but with a decent feeling about it when it was good, then keep it brief and don't sign "love". Understand this is NOT for her to look at you differently
-but if it does - it will not be due to you sending a card about the anniversary. I tend to think anniversary cards after divorce are only okay if there were kids involved, b/c it validates the beauty of what was created by the m, even if the m ends...
I tend to disagree (rarely!) with Sandi on the inlaw card, but I don't know your r with your MIL.
In my case, my inlaws have been in my life longer than my own dad was, and I do not want to lose my connection to them.
I can honestly say with certainty that sending my MIL a birthday card does not reflect a desire to pursue my h. MAYBE at worst it reveals a desire to look above reproach and negate whatever I fear h is saying????
But, I also know that she's my kids only grandma now and she's a loving woman I've known quite well for over half my life. I love that woman and to a lesser extent, my FIL.
I also love my h's brother and his wife. They live an hour from me, now. BIL will always be like a brother to me. When d28 and d19 visited at Christmas, we went to see BIL and his wife.
We had a blast. BIL and I barely spoke of h or the divorce. Maybe 5 minutes & it was BIL who brought it up...I felt validated but did not feel that BIL was going to call h and try to talk h out of anything.
180, my situation is a much longer m and we have children who are the only grandkids and only nephew/nieces for my BIL/sister in law.
So that's ^^where I'm coming from.
Check yourself. Are you really doing it b/c you'd keep in touch with them in 5 years even when you are remarried to another woman?
Because if that ^^ is not true, then consider the card a grateful farewell card and mean it (without saying so).
But if it's really to keep the pathway open to your w, I'm not on board.
No one is suggesting a scorch and burn policy here. But I do feel a huge longing and pursuit thread in here.
Last questions.
IF somehow, your w returned tomorrow and said "let's make it work"
what would be different in the marriage, than before?
For now, just address what you would do differently... Specifically
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
