Here I go again on my own...

[Ginger1]

Thanks Dawn. I know this is all about him, but yes, I feel like my daughter and I aren't good enough for him. And that is one godawful feelings. Especially when I let him so far into us. And I do know that we are so worth it and wonderful.

I always thought after the trauma of an affair and divorce, any other break-up would be a drop in the hat.

But no, with every one, my heart hurts more. It gets weakened, not stronger each time.

I need to see my IC before I kill you guys with all this stuff. She fit me in on Thursday. I need her. She's like a mom.

[Ginger1]

Which brings me to how my dad is trying to be there for me, but in his usual fashion he has to lecture me about how he knew it things wouldn't be good with a younger guy and all this other stuff. Then he calls me yesterday to see how I am and says "You know, me and stepmother were talking and the end of this relationship is a good thing......." I said "dad, DO NOT DO THIS NOW" He stopped thankfully. But I am sure he will pick it back up this weekend.

[25yearsmlc]

apparent rejections always always feel personal. Heck, sometimes they are.

Not so much in this case however. FF was eventually honest with you about what he wants in life. An instant family is not on his radar.

"SHOULD" he have known earlier? Yes. He should (and I guess now does) know that he's not cut out for dating single moms. Period. He's done it twice now.

He's also living with his parents which is a red flag to me but maybe I'm too materialistic or just a lot older.

Point is, I'm not sure he's cut out for parenting anyone other than himself, soon...

So in a sense I guess it's "good" that you found out so early in the R, as opposed to 2 years from now....(I know that it's hard to feel "good" about feeling bad).

So I guess I get your dad's point (?) but wish he'd tell you that in a year...

Anyway, just a thing my MC told me years ago about dating when you have kids at home.

No specific time line, but a guide.

"Don't introduce your kids to OP until you are about 3/4 of the way into thinking 'this one might last & be permanent'---and give your kids 'reasonable' veto power."


I inquired what reasonable veto power was. MC said if your kids veto every OP b/c they want you to reconcile with your ex and you KNOW that won't happen,

it's not a reasonable veto power. Or if they hate all tall guys, etc.

But if they get an off vibe from or discomfort around the OP, even after a few interactions, I think the MC meant to give the OP the boot.

Obviously if the OP has any child raising issues and cannot contain them long term, they'd be bye bye too. I imagine it compounds the potential abandonment issues to have several mother/father figures leave your life - I mean, I assume that's what MC's point was.

In contrast, my favorite brother was single for 6-7 years after a particularly bitter divorce & custody battle. He eventually remarried a woman of substance, I'm glad to say.

But while single, he'd introduce his 3 daughters to almost every single woman he dated. Including women with kids of their own.

I always felt like everyone was auditioning, (& mind you, my brother is not a jerk, so who knows what jerks do?).

But he introduced those single moms to his kids like he was always trying to do a Brady Bunch thing and he would rush it, and it was...kind of weird. He's very successful and smart and handsome, but he'd rush it too fast too often. (According to him, he Wasted so much time and money on the wrong women).

I recall one woman he dated had a son, which my brother does not. (I know my brother would like very much to have a son).

SO They were at a family function awkward for us b/c we had to be "normal" as a family, around the new "candidate".

Anyhow, It was VERY early in the r, and her son told my brother he would miss seeing him during the week b/c brother was going out of town. My brother replied that he would miss the little boy. (Not sure what else brother could say but he probably meant it at the time.)

Now, just for the record, I KNEW in my heart, my brother was not going to marry this single mom. No fault of hers, but not a good fit. I also knew that a r was forming between brother and this little boy and it broke my heart to know that in time, brother would stop seeing this woman and her boy.

Yes, me and my sisters all said the same thing about not playing with little one's hearts but brother said that was how he'd figure out if there was a good fit.

SMH...but hey, my brother is human. He's a good brother &a great h and dad, so I guess he's allowed to be wrong. (I mean, I still think he was wrong but it's water under the bridge now, and I love his 2nd w).

So that is one extreme to avoid.

Oh, btw, He remarried a woman with 3 d's of her own, and they've had a child too.

Now brother has 7 daughters...just saying.

Ginger,

don't stop believing.

[Ginger1]

FF was honest with me about whatt he wants in life, but here is the kicker that has me spinning a little.

I again was obsessing going through the text messages. He got mad at me for not sharing something that I told him about (that I did want to have kids, I realized that after a pregnancy "scare"). after I told him shut the door on this without talking to me. He says "I never gave you a chance? I told you what was on my mind a after I started thinking about it!?!

So, within 24 hours he had these thoughts and made the decision. It shows me how much he really values us. Enough to throw something away for thought and feelings that happened in 24hours. Wow.

It shows me the true immaturity. Not to mention doing it BY TEXT.

[Georgiabelle]

G,

I'm sorry you are sad and upset. I hope this doesn't sound bad, however, i offer up a differing opinion. I think frequently people end things not for "the reasons" they state. My gf's xbf broke up with her because "she wasn't fun on vacation and took too long to get ready." This was after a off and on several year relationship. The reality is it probably didn't fit( to him) and he didn't know how to articulate it. Things went fast with FF but you were still super early and getting to know each other. I don't think that text was the "thing."

Hugs.

[Ginger1]

G,

I'm sorry you are sad and upset. I hope this doesn't sound bad, however, i offer up a differing opinion. I think frequently people end things not for "the reasons" they state. My gf's xbf broke up with her because "she wasn't fun on vacation and took too long to get ready." This was after a off and on several year relationship. The reality is it probably didn't fit( to him) and he didn't know how to articulate it. Things went fast with FF but you were still super early and getting to know each other. I don't think that text was the "thing."

Hugs.

No, this happened after he broke up with me. he just learned I DO want to have another kid and I knew this for a while but I didn't share. He was emphasizing on how when he broke up with me, he let me know his thoughts the day after they came to his mind ( and the decision a day later). So, thoughts of all this were pondered and decided on in a 24 hour period.

But hey, maybe he's just not into me all of a sudden. Good be it.

I'm just spinning. I always spin after these things.

He did what he did, in an inmmature way, but he chose to do it and now it's over. My shock factor is still there, but I am sure it will subside soon.

[DonH]

Okay, here are some more thoughts, in order of importance (pretty much)

First and foremost, you are not wearing us out - not even close. These have not been rambling thoughts. It mostly all makes complete sense. In fact you are making remarkable sense given the pain.

I guess what keeps hitting me is the speed of all of this. I get that's as much about me. I jump into nothing, take my time with near everything, go slow and steady, don't do well with change. That's me but then again that's a lot of things. You can try to get rich quick and a few do. But the risk is huge and it often does not work out. The best way to wealth is slow and steady. It's much the same in love and clearly with what went on here. You both went all in right away. Is it then really a shock that FF jumped out as fast as he jumped in?

This is a lot about age and where he is in life - especially still living at home with mom and dad. He's still figuring out life. He just is and that's okay.

Why kids always think it's about them I can't tell you but I know they do, they just do. So D asking and I'm sure still thinking this somehow has to do with her is very much in her head. And let's be honest, she's not wrong! Sure it's not HER in specifics but it's any child. That's part of this. It's the attachment and her thinking, why does every guy I like come and go, my dad, previous BF and his daughter, now FF. It's in her head. Please continue to reassure her it's not her. She will need that.

Then there is this... D9 is not going to be D9 forever. In a few short years she will be able to stay by herself for a few hours. You can go to dinner with a guy or a BF or even go to a BF's house for a few hours. It's not that far away and certainly not in 9 more years. Then a few years after D can stay alone for a few hours, she will be off on her own. She will want less to do with mom - like near all teens do for a time. This again will not take until she is 18. While you'd certainly hope family likes a new guy, it's no longer a true deal breaker. So things will change quicker than you think. Even if you do want to wait, it won't be a 9 year wait - only a few years.

And yes, I do think it gets harder as time passes. Is it the more it happens or just more the age of it all? I think it's more the age. That's what I see anyhow. The older you get, the less risk you want to take. Find me someone in their 40s that does one night stands near the level they may have at 20. It may still happen but it's rare. When I was in my 20s I swear near every date involved a kiss. Not near the case at my current age. Things change. People change as they age.

Is he hurting like you? Who knows? Maybe yes maybe no. I still come back to the fact that neither of you are really wrong here. You two are just not a full match. I think that's what your dad is getting at - right or wrong and bad timing aside.

The good thing is, the benchmark for getting over someone is 1/3 the time you were together. I was with my exW 15 years and can say it took near 5 years to be fully over it. Here's to one month for you to heal! The thing is, if you get back together that will start the clock over too. Hard as it is, your best decision is to stay no contact. FF may try to jump back in as fast as he was out. It won't last. You don't have to like or even agree with the rules of the game but dating is a selection process. I think you are fighting that. You don't want to date 20 people to truly find the one. You can't change the rules. Lol. You don't have to like them you just can't change them. Right or wrong FF is trying out different people to see what he really fits with. As long as he's honest, that's not wrong. It's more foreign to you G and not what you like or want. But it's how life goes.

Again, this is not about you - not at all. This is only about FF and you don't match his list. You will match someone else's. I'm certain of it!

I'll shut up now.

[Painter]

Ginger, I am so sorry you're hurting. And I'm very sorry for your D, too. I hope you can do something fun together to take your minds off this for a bit.

I wonder if maybe FF got scared with the pace this was progressing at. It's not an unusual fate for a new R that is this intense.

I don't think you have to wait a year to introduce your D to someone you date (or wait until she's 18 to date!). But you don't have to introduce them as a partner very quickly and allow emotional bonds to form between them, either. It's not an either-or situation.

Next time you meet someone you like, I think getting a sitter and limiting the time you date would be ideal. When you know you are an all-in person, limiting time and GALing like crazy can be your savior (I'm an 'all-in' as well, but getting it more under control).

I'd wait 3 months or so to introduce a person you date. Having a strategy can make you feel more in control, too.

[Georgiabelle]

Hi G,

I hear you and I understand this is a poop sandwich. I'm simply saying sometimes people are looking for a "reason" for what they feel or think. People say things during break ups and after and sometimes they are legit and sometimes they are just words. And besides, it's different after a date to text someone "nice to you but I don't think this is a fit. Good luck!" Versus spending time with someone and sending a (sorry-everyone can flame me) "dramatic" text for the sake of making it about himself. I'm sure FF is a good person-I just think think some things reveal much about ones' character at times.

I'm sorry you are spinning. I know you are hurt. Hang in there! You are funny, smart and a great lady.

[25yearsmlc]

Not to hijack

but DonH, please dear God don't tell me it'll take a 1/3 of the length of the R to get over it.

That would put me in my 70's...