Still looking for feedback on if I should reach out to my wife this weekend after our most recent NC of 4 weeks. Just something short and positive, nothing about the R or the past. I feel like it would be a good idea, but my vision may obfuscated by attachment. 25?
I doubt you'll listen to me b/c you don't like what I have to say. However, in case someone else has tuned in......I will tell you how the card giving, birthdays & anniversaries, and breaking contact looks to a WW. It's pursuit! You can wrap it up in a pretty package and label it as "decent" or "opening up" or "something positive" or "reaching out" or anything else you think sounds like a good excuse. But to the wayward it is pursuit.
Actually, you may be hurting your own chances by sending these cards to the MIL and Step-MIL. When they mention it to your WW, she will see it as you just wanting to be on the good side of her family. And b/c of the resentful mindset of the WW, it doesn't usually set well when the LBH tries to kiss up to her family. Where as you may find positive reasons to do these things, your WW will see negative in your actions. They aren't called wayward for nothing! Your wife knows you, and she knows the true intentions of you wanting to mail cards to her relatives...maybe better than you know yourself. The only way I would say to do it is if you were always the one who picked out cards for them on Mother's Day and signed them, and you intend to continue doing this every year in the future. But as for sending a birthday or anniversary card to your WW........seriously?? Have you considered how it can make a man look pretty desperate to do those type of things when his wayward wife is trying to D him? Yes, it is pursuit!
Initiating contact is not a good idea, IMO. If anything screams of pursuit to the WW.....that certainly does. Instead of her wondering if she's making the wrong decision and/or she may be throwing you away......you contact her, and it assures her you are still there, being her backup plan.
180man, I'm sorry you are going through this pain. I really am. It tears me up to see all these LBS's who cannot believe their spouse has turned into this selfish, hateful stranger. I try to help by telling them the patterns and mindset of a wayward, but it's up to the individual to do the tough stuff. They keep hoping their situation is exceptional, and that their wayward wife is different than other WW's. I wish I could tell them they are correct.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
